Just trying to make you understand...

"I think I had lived an incredibly American life. Boy if I could just achieve X, and Y, and Z everything would be OK. I think I got very, very lucky. I got to have a mid-life crisis at like 27, which at the time didn't seem very lucky...now it seems fairly lucky. Nothing before or since has ever been that bad for me, and I'm willing to make enormous sacrifices to never go back there....When people jump out of a burning building it's not because they're not afraid of falling any more, it's that the alternative is so awful. Not going back there is more important to me than anything. It's worse than any kind of physical injury. It just feels that every axiom of your life turned out to be false, and it was actually nothing and you were nothing. It was all a delusion and that you were better than everyone else because you saw that it's all a delusion. Yet you're worse because you can't function." -- David Foster Wallace

When you hate yourself, it's hard to feel remorse because your expectations of yourself are already in the shitter.

I should feel special. A lot of people pay a lot of money to feel as numb and disconnected as I do without even trying.

I'm so tired of being this way

Dissociation