Currently My Favorite Song in the World

This is totally a "listen to the words man" song! I love it. You all need to download Amos Lee's 3 albums.

The Most Ridiculous Thing You Will Ever See

Racism in America

I've been called a "nigger lover" more times than I care to count. If you know me, you know my first real girlfriend was a black girl, and that one of my closest friends through my teenage years was a black kid.

I am sure this sounds like white guilt, it's far from it, it's simply not being racist.

That word, I hate. It's strictly, 100% ignorance, and there is no justification for it's use from a white person. My favorite argument is the ol': "Well, they can call each other it..."

Granted, but HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT IT'S A FORM OF EMPOWERMENT TO THEM??? The Jews do it too. Jewish cartoons embrace their stereotypical physical appearance. The soccer club I support, Tottenham, used to be, and still is (just less so) bombarded by anti-semitic chants at every away game they play. The area in which they play used to be heavily-populated by Hasidic Jews.

Away fans used to throw holocaust chants, wear swastikas and physically beat Tottenham fans. Here's a charmer Chelsea fans use: "Gas a Jew, Jew Jew, put him in the oven, cook him through." Even last year, away at West Ham, Tottenham and their fans were greeted with: "I'd rather be a Paki than a Jew."

What did the Spurs fans do? They turned it around and made it a badge of honor...empowered themselves. The supporters of Tottenham turned it around, and began to call themselves "Yid Army" and call the players, none of whom were Jewsih, "yiddos."

That's the same with black folk. They are faced with this type of racism every day of their lives. Can you at least let them turn that word around on us and use it for a little bit of empowerment? It's an absurd argument used by people who don't realize the oppression that blacks have faced and still do to this day in this country.

And then I got this incredible e-mail from my mother that makes me want to move to Europe...anywhere but a country in which rhetoric by a "leader" like this is possible, and agreed with (my retort in italics):


by Patrick J. Buchanan

Barack says we need to have a conversation about race in America? have we ever had a public discourse on race? I'm sad for you if you think we don't need a conversation about race...let's hear Pat out though.

Fair enough. But this time, it has to be a two-way conversation. White America needs to be heard from, not just lectured to. OHHHHHHHHH....Holy Shit! Are you fucking kidding me? WHITE AMERICA NEEDS TO BE HEARD FROM!?!??!?!?? ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!?!?!?!??!?!!? I can't believe this is true. WHITE AMERICA NEEDS TO BE HEARD FROM. Turn on NPR, CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, NBC, CBS, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, etc....the list goes on and on and on and on...WHITE AMERICA NEEDS TO BE HEARD FROM?? That may be the most out of control, for lack of a better term, FUCKING IDIOTIC thing I have ever heard. Awwwww, poor old White man feels like nobody is listening.

This time, the Silent Majority needs to have its convictions, grievances and demands heard. And among them are these: Silent Majority...White people as the silent majority is the most disgustingly false premise I could ever imagine. It's almost too much to wrap my head around...Whites as the silent majority!!!! AMAZING!!

First, America has been the best country on earth for black folks. It was here that 600,000 black people, brought from Africa in slave ships, grew into a community of 40 million, were introduced to Christian salvation, and reached the greatest levels of freedom and prosperity blacks have ever known. Why doesn't Pat just say "call me sir boy, if it wasn't for me you'd still be in Africa?" Can you give me something a little more tangible than Christian salvation? Like, you lynched and hung tens of thousands of us, could you maybe throw us more than, "maybe you can get to this place called heaven. A place nobody even knows is real, and a place Pat Buchanan sure as hell isn't going to see if it is real."

Obama ought to go down on his knees and thank God he is an American. Or Pat's gonna give him a whooping.

Second, no people anywhere has done more to lift up blacks than white Americans. Untold trillions have been spent since the '60s on welfare, food stamps, rent supplements, Section 8 housing, Pell grants, student loans, legal services, Medicaid, Earned Income Tax Credits and poverty programs designed to bring the African-American community into the m ainstream. Thanks for the handouts asshole. How about job programs in the inner-cities? You're a Christian man right Pat, ya know, "give a man a fish...teach a man to fish, yada yada yada." Instead of wanting praise for the handouts, how about setting up permanent solutions? And seriously, these programs were not designed "to bring the African-American community into the mainstream." These programs were all developed on their own merit, like most legislation, to get votes. Earned Income Tax Credits have benefited a hell of a lot more white people than blacks. By the way, how fucking vague is "legal services" and "poverty programs?"

Governments, businesses and colleges have engaged in discrimination against white folks -- with affirmativ e action, contract set-asides and quotas -- to advance black applicants over white applicants. If these programs did not exist, do you realize how much worse it WOULD be? If we're all created equal Mr. Buchanan, a tenant you believe through your faith as well as your public service, then why don't we all have the same opportunities? Do you think we do? Discrimination against white folks? I seriously am ashamed to be white after reading that...discrimination against whites!!! INCREDIBLE. Come here Mr. Buchanan, even to economically depressed Buffalo. Drive to Clarence, drive through East Amherst and then drive through the East Side of Buffalo. Then look me in the eyes and tell me affirmative action and quotas have really give us white folk the short end of the stick...Drive through your suburban Virginia neighborhood in your Mercedes. You've been handed everything you have in your life...Never worked outside of the government or the media. How can you possibly imagine what inner-city life is like? You are a disgrace.

Churches, foundations, civic groups, schools and individuals all over America have donated time and money to support soup kitchens, adult education, day care, retirement and nursing homes for blacks. And far more white folks are in nursing homes on Medicare than there are black folks. YOU DRIVE A FUCKING MERCEDES AND LIVE IN AND LIVE IN A HOME THAT'S WORTH MORE THAN $3 MILLION. (1) Maybe drive an American car, (2) maybe even grab a Toyota Corrola and throw the extra $50,000 at one of said "charities." HOW HOW HOW can someone live among the excess that he sees every day in D.C and Northern Virginia and not fight THAT? Instead, his cause? DISCRIMINATION AGAINST WHITE FOLKS -- ARE YOU SHITTING ME???

We hear the grievances. Where is the gratitude?? This is abhorent. Sickening. Gratitude for fucking what? For the chance to run for president? Thanks Pat. Is that it, you want a thank you? Look at the country's penal system. It's not a coincidence, though I am sure your opinion is that blacks are genetically disposed to crim, but it's not a coincidence. It's a sledgehammer to your head showing you that THERE IS A SYSTEMATIC PROBLEM IN OUR INNER-CITIES....AND YOU WANT GRATITUDE!! Thanks, I guess, for BET and the NBA?

Barack talks about new 'ladders of opportunity' for blacks.

Let him go to Altoona?and Johnstown, and ask the white kids in Catholic schools how many were visited lately by Ivy League recruiters handing out scholarships for 'deserving' white kids? What??? I will guarantee you the school systems in those towns BLOW AWAY anything you will find in any major city in this country...They don't need recruiters from the Ivy League, there are so many advantages inborn in them just by being white that these "recruiters" obviously are a shot at maybe college recruiters bringing black athletes to their schools? I really don't know. It's a terrific paragraph, terrific for it's "What the fuck is this crazy old, entitled white bastard saying now? quality.

Is white America really responsible for the fact that the crime and incarceration rates for African-Americans are seven times those of white America ? Is it really white America 's fault that illegitimacy in the African-American community has hit 70 percent and the black dropout rate from high schools in some cities has reached 50 percent? YES. Yes it is, yes we are. Take some responsibility. We're only 40 years removed from a time when segregation, both legal and illegal, were going on. It's kind of a small sample size Pat, especially considering we raped and pillaged Indians for far more than 40 years when our ancestors came here. A BILLION A MONTH is going to the military efforts in the Middle East. A BILLION DOLLARS A MONTH....Do you think that money maybe would make a difference if it were invested in the inner-city school system, and devoted to job programs in inner-cities?

Is that the fault of white America or, first and foremost, a failure of the black community itself? It is clearly the fault of those in power over the last 50 years....What color have those people been?

As for racism, its ugliest manifestation is in interracial crime, and especially interracial crimes of violence. Is Barack Obama aware that while white criminals choose black victims 3 percent of the time, black criminals choose white victims 45 percent of the time? Do you think maybe it's because they resent the innate advantages we have just for being white? Plus, DO SOME MATH ASSHOLE. It's called per capita baby...a fairly basic concept to grasp. Proportion wise, there are more of us out there. It's basic math...250 million white people, 40 million black people. It's as simple as playing the percentages homeboy. Plus your number is so unbelievably innacurate that it makes me feel embarrassed for your family and friends that you are such a liar. A little Google and a little common sense goes a long way.

Is Barack aware that black-on-white rapes are 100 times more common than the reverse, that black-on-white robberies were 139 times as common in the first three years of this decade as the reverse? Are you aware that when slavery was alive, white-on-black rape was 10,000 times more common than black-on-white rape was? This is patently false (a) and (b), the paragraph essentially sounds as if Barack is to blame for all of these rapes. It's weird, he forgot about the atrocities going on in Iraq...Maybe that'll be in his next open letter to Barack?

We have all heard ad nauseam from the Rev. Al about Tawana Brawley, the Duke rape case and Jena . And all turned out to be hoaxes. But about the epidemic of black assaults on whites that are real, we hear nothing. Because there is no epidemic, you're fucking insane. We would hear about if it were an epidemic you sensationalistic, hyperbolic ass. You are a member of the liberal media, report on this epidemic, show us some stories...let's see it...It would definitely draw in viewers, so show proof of the epidemic. Just because you say there is an epidemic does not in fact make it so...I think there is an epidemic of 60 and over American fascist blow-hards who have no factual basis for anything they say are do, but are getting a little insecure that black people **GASP** may in fact be equal to them.

Sorry, Barack, some of us have heard it all before, about 40 years and 40 trillion tax dollars ago. Heard what all before? Pat, I would love you to swing through Buffalo, or I'll come down to D.C. We can eat at a soul food restaurant in West D.C, and then we can drive through Northern Virginia to see the social structures that your generation has set up in the past 40 years to lead to this "epidemic." It's nobody's fault but your own.


Be a better friend, Do they let racists into Heaven?

Here is a quote from Mr. Buchanan from "This Week With David Brinkley": " "If we had to take a million immigrants in, say Zulus, next year, or Englishmen, and put them up in Virginia, what group would be easier to assimilate and would cause less problems for the people of Virginia?"


I will end with a quote from an ex-coworker of Mr. Buchanan's who saw his bigotry right up close and personal: William Safire, who was on Nixon's speech-writing team with Buchanan, says "Buchanan is an extremist whose anti-Semitism would rank at level four or five -- on a scale that has Adolf Hitler at 10 and Black Muslim leader Rev. Louis Farrakhan as a seven.."

Creative Writing

Back in 2001 I took an advanced Creative Writing class at Hilbert.  Our final exam was to do a poem, or literature reading, of between five and seven minutes.  It had to be original stuff.

I had two good friends in class, and the poetry reading was held at The Screening Room on Sheridan, in front of a good amount of complete strangers...but alas, they sold alcohol there, so this was going to be a breeze!  The entire English department (all of my past, present and future professors) were in attendance, but they were indulging a tad too, so it wasn't super high-pressure, but it was pretty awkward.

So, me and my two dudes, Jigga (his initials were J.Z, so I gave him that brilliant nickname) and Paul.  We hit it hard.  A small round table that ended up just littered by empty Labbatt Blue bottles.  This was a room filled with women, and gay men.  We may have been the only three heterosexual males in attendance.

The artist formerly known as Sarah Wagner came to see the train wreck with Kristin.  Combing through my stuff I found one of my original works, and I must say it brought the house down....If bringing the house down means bringing a room full of people to dead silence.  Here goes...Langston Hughes forgive me:

2B a Monkey

I want to be a monkey,

How great that would be;

I'd spend all damn day

Swinging from a tree.

You wouldn't have to buy clothes

To look all slick;

All you'd have to do is smile

And you'd get mad chicks.

2B a monkey,

It would be great;

I could use my feet

to masturbate.

This is Shel Silverstein-ish if he were an absolute pervert.  I got an A in this class.  The other poems I read were thieved directly from 2Pac's book of poetry.  

The entire class, all semester, we had to share creative pieces, and every single piece I wrote was about the exploits of me, Big Jay, Jersey Joe (aka Guido), and Schieda water-ballooning and egging people...I changed the names to protect my fellas, but I think Dr. Hughes was on to me.  I remember after sharing one piece, he suggested branching out from "suburban bacchanalia."    

I'll get drunk and post the emo poems that are in this book I found...they are horrendus.  Sadly though, they absolutely show the pre-cursors of depression.  

Johnny Mac

When asked by the press corps how many homes he owned, McCain DIDN'T KNOW. Now this is two-fold. He's old enough to have Alzheimer's, but the bigger reflection is his smugness...."I'll have my staff get back to you on that."

We need more golden spoon, entitled people in the White House right? Gotta love it. How many people does the private jet he's been flying in for 30 years seat? Is the new one bigger than the old one?  

And for a guy so adamant about being a maverick, spear-heading campaign finance reform and honesty in politics and government, we don't know one ounce about his finances because he has that all hidden under his wife's name.  He doesn't know how many homes he has, a question he flat-out didn't want to answer.  He knows.  But if he came out and told the truth, he wouldn't be this bullshit, "every man" candidate that he is setting himself up to be.  It's so wonderfully hypocritical that this maverick is just more of the same garbage we've all grown to despise in government.

Matt Wertz

Thursday was an amazing night, except for one small part...nothing crazy, just buggy.

We (Tinny and I) went to see Matt Wertz and Gavin DeGraw in Rochester. We went to see Matt Wertz mainly (we left after 2 Gavin DeGraw songs...he is a potty-mouthed pervert we discovered) and we were basically two of the five folks in the crowd who knew Matt's music at all.

I found Matt Wertz's music after hearing his song "Red Meets Blue" on Brandon McCarthy's (a then pitcher for the Chicago White Sox) MySpace. I iTunesed the rest of Matt Wertz's music and loved it all. Until Amos Lee came into my life like two months ago, I would say Matt Wertz was my favorite current artist (especially since Third Eye Blind hasn't released an album since my niece has been alive).

So it was great, being the only ones in the intimately sized crowd who knew Matt's music, and like, we knew every word. I know most people have those "holy crap, he's looking at me moments" at concerts, but seriously, I'll get to it, but he WAS looking at us, as it turns out, he was looking a lot (since we were singing all of his words and since Tinny looked delicious probably). Tin and I even looked at each other at the same time after homey winked at us (the wink probably meant for Tinny!!).

After his set he went down to his merch. table to do some meeting and greeting, and we met and greeted. He was so unbelievably warm and just incredible to talk to...like ridiculous. He asked us about us, asked about my shirt, I told him I was torn up because he didn't play "Red Meets Blue" and he laughed, shook hands and was just this ego-less, positive, amazing guy.

The part where it comes in that he "was totally looking at us dude"? He said to me, with my shirt zipped up as you see in the picture below, "I saw you guys during the show, are you from Kansas?" "I said no, just a fan" he then said he was from Missouri but noticed the shirt, and we made out for a little bit (part of that story is not true).

I had my Kansas shirt on for the show but it was well-covered up by the time we met him. Also, during the show he stopped and asked if the one kid in the crowd went to Vanderbilt because he had a Vandy t-shirt on.

After we got THIS SHITTY PICTURE taken of us with Matt, he asked Tinny what her name was again, said thanks so much for coming to the show (and you could tell sincerely, sincerely meant it), and we were off.

The buggy part? NEVER TRUST A STRANGER TO USE YOUR DIGITAL CAMERA!!! ESPECIALLY A FEMALE STRANGER....here's why:


Stand still, hold the button halfway for a split second so the camera can focus, then push it down to take the pic -- IT'S SIMPLE. An otherwise perfect pic is kind of crap now. We would definitely print and frame this bad boy, but in a city that is the home to Kodak, this Rochester be-atch couldn't take a good pic (we have a really good camera) if her life depended on it. Seriously though, if you blur your own eyes a little bit, it looks crystal clear.




I got this somewhere through my reading and healing, and I love it....In prayer and meditation so much is focused on US. We pray for strength, we pray for our loved ones, or for an answer, or for Michigan to beat Ohio State (although FAR MORE maniacs pray for the reverse). What about sometimes just telling God "thanks for giving me such a phenomenal day"? Today was one of those days.

Joey's wedding Saturday was one of those days, and ya know, I've had more than my share of blessed days where I have had amazing experiences that so many people never have even one of.

What Is It That I Do

Real quick wanted to post a link to what exactly it is I do for rotowire as far as soccer writing is concerned.

http://www.bigsoccer.com/index.php?pageid=wire

Those are the updates that I write. I would say I do 70% of them, and any MLS, American player abroad, or updates on Portsmouth, Tottenham, Hull City and West Brom I also do.

I also update into a lot of areas that I find lacking because I am an anal perfectionist. For example, on that page, they are all mine except for the Mikael Silvestre update.

BTW -- The USA Men's team opened up qualifying play for the 2010 World Cup with a phenonemanl win in Guatemala. It was more or less a street fight with both teams receiving red cards, our goalkeeper (Tim Howard) getting kicked in the face, Eddie Lewis, our veteran winger got elbowed in the face and had to leave the game after they could not stop the bleeding, and Heath Pearce also got a nice elbow in the face. Riot police were on hand, the actual Guatemalan National Army had to escort the U.S into the stadium, and it was just nasty. But we won for the first time ever in Guatemala. Yo Quiero to punch Carlos Ruiz in the face.

Judging Little League

There are a bunch of old crummudgeony sports-writers and talking heads who despise the amount of coverage ESPN and ESPN 2 devote to the Little League World Series. These are the guys who never played competitive sports, but sit in judgment of all athletes, resent them for how much money they make and think the internet is the death of sports journalism.

It's Monday at dinner time and Saudi Arabia is beating Canada. Byron Keturakis is at-bat for Canada on ESPN-HD. He's 12, it says he wears his left sock inside out for good luck, and he will have the recording of this at-bat for the rest of his life. These kids are so excited to be on the same network that showed Josh Hamilton's ridiculousness at the Home Run Derby, and the same network that shows their heroes. They are all super good kids, which tends to be the case with kids who play Little League, and the joy they get from seeing their highlights on SportsCenter and seeing themselves in HD has got to be amazing. Imagine if that was you at 12 years old.

I guess dudes would rather watch re-runs of gambling addicts playing poker. That sends the kid a good message right? You don't need to go to college...exercise?...intellect? Forget that, just get good at playing poker, get lucky, and you can be like one of the other low-lifes who have found fame through their arrogance and social ineptitude (seriously, Daniel Negreanu is a celebrity?? What is going on here?).

It's fifty times worse than the race card, it's the "what about the kids?" card. Every cable news network talked about Janet Jackson's tit for a week, while preaching "what about the kids?" How many kids, much less adults even noticed the damn thing? These kids can flip around the dial and see live autopsies on Discovery Health, but we think showing their Little League games on television is going to send them the wrong message?

We're showing all of the games from Williamsport now?? "What about the kids?" They are going to get full of themselves and start to showboat. OH MY GOD!

As I type this I flipped to CNN just to see the news. It's a story about how the Shia militia in Iraq used Mosques as torture chambers, buried people alive, be-headed innocent Sunnis off of the street and just decapitating and abandoning folks at random. This is the programming alternative? You're outraged at Little League World Series coverage? Go fix the mess your President made in Iraq instead of killing the joy of 12 year olds playing the best game in the world.

The kid for Saudi Arabia's nickname who just came up was "Lil' Papi." That rules. I don't think "Lil' Papi" is going to skip going to college, turn to crystal meth and wind up in jail because of this (that WILL happen to at least half the team from Canada though) . I think he'll tell this story of being on ESPN, playing baseball when he was a kid, for the rest of his life.

THE WEDDING

...COA and I. I believe he is going to be Obama's V.P

Dude, all I know is, I can dance.

The L.V Crew without JoPo. Must have been sleeping under an ironing board that night.

Joey Keller. He once ate Gummi Bears out of somewhere on a female's body at my house.

Me and Hlavaty. He loves music that 56 year-old women love.




Two writers. Inspiring me to get my shit published.



T-Unit and the lovely couple

It's called a siesta people. Leave it alone.

Pfender and Me. Only posted for how incredibly drunk I "look"

Dom and Christene kicking it all off in the limo.

Gnome drinks 40's. I drink 40's.



TEAM KEV!!! (worst dart team on the planet)

Just another in the long-line of women Gnome and I have shared.

The D

Every year I have to make my pilgrimage to Comerica Park to see the Tigers. This time it was for Tinny's birthday and also because I ain't got shiiit else to do.

Their season is slipping away slowly but definitely surely. They can't pitch, they're barely scoring, and they're just torturous to watch. In a lot of ways they were more fun to watch in 2003, because the 2008 Tigers have playoff talent. but no heart.

Wednesday night. they lost 4-3 after a failed 3-run comeback in the ninth that was ended with a Brandon Inge K with the tying run in scoring position. A Vernon Wells grand-slam was all Toronto mustered, but it was enough...And oh yes, wonderful, wonderful rain delays:


Thursday was an afternoon game and Tinny's birthday! The Tigers best pitcher this season, rookie Armando Galarraga, was on the mound and was phenomenal...But the Jays took a 1-0 lead into the 8th inning. Detroit scored 5 in the bottom of the 8th, earning Galarraga a much-deserved W and I was jacked.


So, we got on the road to come home, but had to take some Ralph pictures...Eminem rapped about Insane Clown Posse being a bunch of suburban Detroit posers who haven't seen, and I quote, "a f***ing Mile Road south of 10." Just to prove Ralph is not a poser, we did this:


Ralph is in fact on 9 Mile Road in the D, and in fact is not a poser. We would have gone to 8 Mile, but Ralph does not enjoy being stabbed.

While on 9 Mile we had to buy a Detroit staple, something they used to sell in Buffalo, and for some reason I don't think they do any more. FAYGO baby...Grape Faygo is in fact the greatest soda ever made.


And then the boredom of our second consecutive 4-hour drive in 2 days struck Tinny.

The Bay Area

We're going back to San Francisco in September....Primarily to see Amos Lee at The Filmore, but also because San Francisco is a very possible end destination for me. The Bay Area is incredible (other than Oakland), but hell, if I ever live out there and start to miss Detroit or Buffalo, I'll just go drive through downtown Oakland.

It just so happens that the Raiders open up on Monday Night Football against the Broncos while we're there. I HAD to get tickets. When will I ever get the chance to see Broncos/Raiders in Oakland? Much less Monday Night Football! All that is missing is Ronwald. The tickets came today, and I thought what came with the tickets was OUTSTANDING:





I'm officially scared, but a little bit of me wants to wear some Broncos gear. It's not suicide if a Raider fan stabs you to death right? At least then my life insurance policy of like 70 grand would pay out...(Throw that in a savings account and we MIGHT have enough to pay for 2 weeks of classes for Brady at Notre Dame.)

I wish the concert was before the game instead of the day after because I may be infirmed. GO BRONCOS!

MY BOY

I'm just watching the Tigers game and got excited when my dude hit one out of the park....He is up as we speak with 1 out and runners on 2nd and 3rd......and he took a walk!! I am in love with this man. Best.Centerfielder.In.Baseball. Polanco steps up after Curtis and smacks a single into left...Grandy is the f'ing catalyst.

Faith

I manned up and held the man, Evan Gryzmala. Previous to this I was just a baby dropper, but Evan is the most incredible little thing I have ever seen...and yeah, he's wearing a Marshawn Lynch onesie.



Tinny and Evan Grizz....Is that a mohawk I see???


Me, the proud parents, and Evan...He's saying "what up?"


A better look at the Marshawn Lynch jersey and the mammoth hands of Neal holding him....As Danielle's Dad was saying, holding a baby can melt even the biggest of dudes.

#48

In studying, each day something is gained.
In following the Tao, each day something is lost.
Lost and again lost.
Until there is nothing left to do.
Not-doing, nothing is left undone.
You can possess the world by never manipulating it.
No matter how much you manipulate
You can never possess the world.

-- Lao Tzu

It Does Get Worse

It's funny, the lyric from Counting Crows, "it's 4:30 A.M on a Tuesday...it doesn't get much worse than this."

Wellll, it's 4:17 A.M on a Tuesday, and it is pretty bad. If it does get much worse than this, I don't want to be around to see it. I'm done. I am the point where I'm just looking for my punch card and once I find it, I'll grab it and punch out of this bitch.

I'm at a breaking point...How many breaking points can someone honestly get to? I can't do this anymore. It's been more than 4 months of my life living with this. It's so unbelievably hard for me to live most days that I don't have words to explain how it feels. I don't know how else to say it. Think of the worst day you'd have to go through, short of those transcendent days where you find out you've lost someone close to you.

Just a day where you wake up, and genuinely don't feel like doing a god damned thing. That's my best day.

Kristin was gone for 3 days, Friday to Sunday. I came home Thursday from Cleveland at around 9:00 and I didn't leave the fucking house until Sunday when she was already home...And when I did, it was a shatter to my psyche. Just more of the bullshit of living here. It reinforced to me that I am making the right decision, but at the same time, it makes me want to not be part of this world any more. I had the strength to leave the crib, and take part in the world, and it fucking ended in shit. Why even bother?

Friday night I grabbed my keys after getting out of the shower. I could feel "it" coming but I thought meeting friends at the bar was going to be the trick. I broke down, on my knees, literally, crying on the floor, for no reason. I was going to see people who genuinely love and accept me...I didn't make it out the door. We weren't going to get hammered, just people were looking out for me and wanted to talk, and I don't feel worthy of that. I don't. I just don't...They should leave me alone. You all should.

So, I cried for a good chunk of Friday night, and when I wasn't bawling, I was just numbly existing. Same with Saturday. I woke up and just go through life numb. I like Tiger games, I like the normal stuff, but to say there is a cloud hanging over everything in my life is an unbelievable understatement. I enjoy the game, I enjoy my roadies, but there is this feeling of an impending finality to it all. It's going to be over, and then back to...DEPRESSION. YES!

That shit isn't worth it. The occasional good hours are covered in a black sheath of grim finality, and the moments when I'm not jadedly enjoying myself, I am numb, just waiting to get my 11 hours of medically-induced sleep...or existing because I am supposed to. (It is officially 4:30 A.M on a Tuesday as I type this).

Want the rest of that depressing lyric? It's pretty phenomenally bleak...."In beds in little rooms in the middle of these lives which are completely meaningless." I'm tortured and I don't understand how to get to the end of this without doing something drastic. Is drastic this Michigan and then whatever trek? If it is, then why do I cry every time I get into bed with her?

It's like sitting in Cleveland, in beautiful weather, but knowing that the game would end and I'd have the drive back home waiting for me, and the waking up to myself on Friday morning to get to. I know there is just impending shit, and that's what life is...it really is. Life is just a string of impending shit.

If life is glorious we should do what makes us happy right? This construct of greed, and more, more, more and doing what other people think or say you're "supposed" to do is a mother-fucking lie.

I want to watch the Tigers play every single game in person (insert your own example of what life would really make you happy). That can't happen because of the practicality of life I suppose right? You don't want to go to work in a cube. Who the fuck does? It's all an ends to a mean...but what mean? Substance or surface? Mostly, 99.9% surface for most of us.


"Why am I fighting to live, if I'm just living to fight
Why am I trying to see, when there aint nothing in sight
Why am I trying to give, when no one gives me a try
Why am I dying to live, if I'm just living to die?
someone tell me why" -- TAS

Rock Bottom Keeps Getting Deeper

Just when I think it can't get worse, it does.

Friday night into Saturday morning, I could not sleep. Like, could not, I mean, physically it wasn't happening...The light switch was stuck on "on" and nothing I could do would make it get to "off,"

It's 6 o'clock in the morning, and the sun is up amid thunderstorms and rain. Metaphorically the sun never really rose for me. It was still really dark eventhough it was daylight, and I was still awake....Crying...Hard. To me it was still Friday despite it being Saturday for the people in cars driving by the apartment.

The suicidal thoughts came raging back, as vivid and as real as ever. I journalled and cried, and could not get out of my head what a mess I am. I went to take some of my Klonopin and had a handful in my hand ready to just go at it, finally see what an attempt is like. I put most of them away and took 2. Maybe the suicidal attempt is this profound depth that I need to reach before it can all turn around? I've thought a bunch of times that I was at rock bottom, but nope. Weeks later, rock bottom is deeper and harder than it was last time. This was as close as I came to a realistic attempt and I wonder now if I just didn't do it because I'm smart enough to know that the amount I had wasn't enough to do the trick? I don't want my stomach pumped, I want to die to kill my pain.

This can't lead me back to BryLin...Nothing there is going to help me with this. I want to throw all of the pills out and do this, heal, holisticlly. The meds, other than seeming fairly ineffective, make me feel like such a waste when it's time to pick up the script bottle and take some more. Even looking at them I have to shake my head. Taking these meds make me FEEL depressed just from the shear standpoint of I HAVE to take them.

Taking them is like a sledgehammer to my psyche. Having a good day right, "don't forget to take your meds that were prescribed to you for your suicidal depression." Lovely right?

I should wear a wristband, like a Livestrong bracelet, that reminds me I have major depression...but the bottles really do the trick. Maybe a hat? A t-shirt? I guess wearing my Tiger's Pudge Rodriguez t-shirt can serve that purpose...because seeing him in Yankee pinstripes is suicidally depressing.

What got me feeling a little better today was, again, music. I don't know that anyone out there rightfully could dislike Amos Lee's music...He's got to be one of the best songwriters I have ever heard, and his voice is so damn good it frustrates me! His song "Supply and Demand" while meditating was spot on...here are the lyrics:

Somethin’ gotta give with the way I’m livin’
Seems I’m gettin’ down everyday
The more I strive, the less I’m alive
And seems i’m gettin’ further away

Oh well all my superstitions and my crazy suspicions
Of the people that I care about
I been doin’ more screamin’ than i been doin’ dreamin’
And I think it’s time I figured it out

Yeah baby I need a plan to understand
That life ain’t only supply and demand

I been goin’ joggin’ in the park after dark
Draggin’ ’round with me my ball and chain
Took southern skies to make me realize
That I’m causin’ myself this pain

The woman that I’m lovin’ yeah I’m pushin’ and shovin’
Getting further on by the day
And I can’t understand how the heart of this man
Ever let it end up this way

Yeah baby I need a plan to understand
That life ain’t only supply and demand

When the road gest dark and lonesome dear
You can find me here
But honey you don’t know where I am
You need a friend yeeaahh

Life ain’t easy in fact I know it’s kinda sleazy
When you’re the big man in town
Shakin’ religions and makin’ decisions
You never get to slow on down

Well your wife and your baby you tell them yeah well maybe
I’ll meet y’all at a weekend resort
Put your eyes on the prize and you can realize
Your little girl’s life’s so short

Brother you need a plan to understand
That life ain’t only supply and demand
Yeah sister you need a plan to understand
That life ain’t only supply and demand

Hey, you better figure it out now
You know you ain’t comin’ back down, yeah
You better figure it out now
You know you ain’t comin’ back down

Amazing stuff right? That's where I was when I was working 50-60 hour weeks and money obsessed. I lost me. My eyes were "on the prize" I thought. The prize though was so mis-guided and un-genuine. My prize was to live how everyone else thought I should. Fitting into the construct of life that it seems is way too set up for depression and loss of self. "Life ain't always supply and demand."

The real prize, like my boy says, is when you realize how short your little girl's life is. I see it so clearly now. I used to go a month or close to two even without seeing my niece and nephew and it stuns me how fast they grow up. I was busy working, chasing dollars, and all of a sudden my nephew is the smartest 12 year old I think I have ever met, and my niece seriously could make the finals of "Last Comic Standing." She is the funniest freaking little girl I have ever met. She is seriously funnier than a lot, probably the majority of, adults that I know.

I walked into the room on Tuesday to see her and she says "what's up big pimpin'?" to me. Ridiculous. (I did teach her it, months ago, but she still remembers it and greeted me with it...silly). Yeah, and at my nephew's soccer games, she sings "Glory Glory Man United" or West Ham United's "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles."

I was working every day, sometimes without a day off for more than 5 or 6 weeks. Money was fantastic, but I wasn't living...that's the best part...When you ask my niece "what's up big pimpin'?" her reply is "nothing baby, just livin'." She has the answer...She's Amos Lee...Just live. She's my little "biku" (Buddhist word for seeker of enlightenment).

That's why my trips are so great. I am just living...on my terms and NOBODY else's. If I want to go to the hotel bar after check-in, I will. If I just stay in my room, take Seroquel and sleep for 11 hours, fine. It's on my terms. That's what I've lost. Living life, day-to-day life, on my terms. I love the road trips more than anything. There were summers where we probably hit close to 20 major league baseball games. Last two seasons (before this season) I think we MAYBE went to 3 or 4. I stopped writing, I stopped doing what I enjoyed...I lost myself and that's nobody else's fault. I have to take a step back and fight the fuck out of this. I wish it was as simple as something physical, I'd just go Brett Favre and take pain-killers. I have to fight myself mentally though.

Maybe my crescendo is Edward Norton in "Fight Club." I have to just go into my parking lot hammered and beat the shit out of the insane part of me. Beat it to death, physically. That would have been me early this morning, at 7am, in the parking lot punching myself in the head, breaking my own nose...Expelling the demons physically, because the drugs aren't working.