Sunday, December 26, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Relapse
It's hard to get this into words. It's impossible. I think about not being alive more often than I don't think about it. Things are back to where they were before Brylin in 2008. I'm absolutely numb all day, with those thoughts of not having to deal with this world perpetually in my head.
I am tired of being a burden to people. I sat in my car, in tears on Monday night, writing what I thought my suicide note would look like. But, I don't care that I feel like this. Before when this all happened, I cared a lot more. This time, I'm resigned to my worthlessness.
I go through EVERY SINGLE DAY feeling outside of the day-to-day society. I feel like a passenger, just staring out the window as everything passes by -- I just am. There's a separation. They always say "go exercise, get out of the house, do something." I've tried all of that shit since Monday, and it makes things worse. I walked to the store yesterday and I cried the entire time. I went to the Post Office, did my business, and when I got in the car I hyperventilated and cried.
I read that people in a depressive episode don't have low self-esteem, their self-esteem is completely non-existent. I guess that's the best way for me to say it. If someone says that the love me I think they're lying. If someone says something nice about me, it goes right over my head because it's just not true. I'm an empty shell.
The thought of someone, anyone else in this world having to feel the way I have felt this past week makes me profoundly sad. I never, ever want anyone I love to even come close to how this feels. I don't want someone I don't like to ever feel this way. It's absolutely devastating. I thought I had come so far. It's all a sham. I'm non-existent. Let me just go away.
I am tired of being a burden to people. I sat in my car, in tears on Monday night, writing what I thought my suicide note would look like. But, I don't care that I feel like this. Before when this all happened, I cared a lot more. This time, I'm resigned to my worthlessness.
I go through EVERY SINGLE DAY feeling outside of the day-to-day society. I feel like a passenger, just staring out the window as everything passes by -- I just am. There's a separation. They always say "go exercise, get out of the house, do something." I've tried all of that shit since Monday, and it makes things worse. I walked to the store yesterday and I cried the entire time. I went to the Post Office, did my business, and when I got in the car I hyperventilated and cried.
I read that people in a depressive episode don't have low self-esteem, their self-esteem is completely non-existent. I guess that's the best way for me to say it. If someone says that the love me I think they're lying. If someone says something nice about me, it goes right over my head because it's just not true. I'm an empty shell.
The thought of someone, anyone else in this world having to feel the way I have felt this past week makes me profoundly sad. I never, ever want anyone I love to even come close to how this feels. I don't want someone I don't like to ever feel this way. It's absolutely devastating. I thought I had come so far. It's all a sham. I'm non-existent. Let me just go away.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Em
I can't stop listening to the second track on Eminem's new album:
I went away I guess to open up some lanes
But there was no one who even knew what I was going through- growing pains
Hatred was flowing through my veins
On the verge of going insane
then...
All I know is I'm wallowin self-loathing and hollow
Bottoms up on the pill bottle maybe I'll hit my bottom tomorrow
My sorrow right goes in this hall though
But I must be talkin to the wall though
I don't see nobody else
I went away I guess to open up some lanes
But there was no one who even knew what I was going through- growing pains
Hatred was flowing through my veins
On the verge of going insane
then...
All I know is I'm wallowin self-loathing and hollow
Bottoms up on the pill bottle maybe I'll hit my bottom tomorrow
My sorrow right goes in this hall though
But I must be talkin to the wall though
I don't see nobody else
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Inspired and Pensive
I stumbled upon this today:
The nature of reality exists so far outside of the realm that many people can grasp. Most people can't fathom a world outside of their relationships, their job, and themselves. It's strange, because the obvious nature of reality isn't rooted in the things that so many people center their realities around -- money, popularity, "supposed-to" living and things....surface.
That's where my disconnect lies. It's really hard for me to see the pomp and circumstance that go along with things that do nothing but massage the ego. Ultimately, what good is an expensive wedding? I've had more fun at small weddings, better stories from crazy weddings in the backwoods of Western Massachusetts. It's all vanilla. The wall decor is different. The dresses and ties are different, but it's all ultimately the same. It's a plug and play society where most people have to structure their fun and have a regimented idea of (for example) when to be spiritual (Sunday morning, but Saturday night if the Bills have a 1:00 game right?).
Bliss is not something that can be scheduled. Joy is not something you plan. Happiness is not a dot on the map. Yet, the grasping...the yearning I see from people to get to these non-existent destinations suffocates me.
The pervasive suffering of conditioning -- we're built this way. Enlightenment is fighting like hell to break the cycle of pervasive conditioning. The unenlightened existence is suffering, because a life filled with chasing something that cannot be caught (joy...happiness) ends nowhere.
The third level of suffering is the most significant -- the pervasive suffering of conditioning. This refers to the very fact of our unenlightened existence, the fact that we are ruled by our negative emotions and their underlying root cause, namely our own fundamental ignorance of the nature of reality. Buddhism asserts that as long as we are under the control of this fundamental ignorance, we are suffering; this unenlightened existence is suffering by its very nature. -- Dalai Lama
The nature of reality exists so far outside of the realm that many people can grasp. Most people can't fathom a world outside of their relationships, their job, and themselves. It's strange, because the obvious nature of reality isn't rooted in the things that so many people center their realities around -- money, popularity, "supposed-to" living and things....surface.
That's where my disconnect lies. It's really hard for me to see the pomp and circumstance that go along with things that do nothing but massage the ego. Ultimately, what good is an expensive wedding? I've had more fun at small weddings, better stories from crazy weddings in the backwoods of Western Massachusetts. It's all vanilla. The wall decor is different. The dresses and ties are different, but it's all ultimately the same. It's a plug and play society where most people have to structure their fun and have a regimented idea of (for example) when to be spiritual (Sunday morning, but Saturday night if the Bills have a 1:00 game right?).
Bliss is not something that can be scheduled. Joy is not something you plan. Happiness is not a dot on the map. Yet, the grasping...the yearning I see from people to get to these non-existent destinations suffocates me.
The pervasive suffering of conditioning -- we're built this way. Enlightenment is fighting like hell to break the cycle of pervasive conditioning. The unenlightened existence is suffering, because a life filled with chasing something that cannot be caught (joy...happiness) ends nowhere.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Dear Baseball.....I love you
Plus defender, good arm, speed, hits for average, and also hits 400 foot BOMBS (and oh yeah, he can hit lefties)
Magglio -- whoever said we should sit him so his option wouldn't vest....shutup
Stephen Strasburg vs. Miggy Cabrera -- winner: Strasburg
The Lord and savior
The Stras
MY BOY Austin Jackson......Curtis who?
Monday, March 8, 2010
MO FLOrida
Miggy
I think this is my Tiger for 2010 -- Don Kelly
Sizemore catching a pop-up at second -- Polanco who?
Cy Young 2010?
Stephen Strasburg in Viera tomorrow to take on the Tigers. Excited to see "the greatest pitching prospect in the history of baseball."
Thursday, March 4, 2010
All I got
This is all I got from Thursday's game against Toronto. It's hard to take pictures when your hands are in your sleeves because it's 54 degrees with 30 MPH winds....But I had to get a pic of my man Dontrelle.
"When one realizes that his life is worthless, he either commits suicide or travels." -- Edward Dahlberg
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
What I guess...
I've been back in a groove with reading, and it's hard to not fall in-step with what you're reading at the moment. Kinda like the guy you meet out who just parrots everything that he just learned in class that day. One day he is Freudian, until next week in Psych class when they learn about Jung.
Although, there are a ton of common themes in everything I am reading (mostly depression/minduflness/Buddhism books), things do differ, even if just slightly.
But where I'm at lately, like A LOT lately, comes from nowhere but it comes from everywhere too. I'm not parroting, but I'm coming to a pretty profound self-actualization -- I don't know that there's any person on this planet that I love.
It's really hard to type that, and it's really hard to read it, but let me explain:
The conventional "love" is something that nobody really knows. As a child, I didn't see one ounce of love, or even an ounce of liking each other, between my parents. It's carried through me throughout my life. I'm now fully understanding what IT IS to love, and be loved. And to love, you have to have been loved, or maybe more importantly, to love, you have to have FELT loved at some point in your childhood.
I felt loved by my Dad, but, at every turn, I was beaten down for that by my Mother. I resent that, and I do to this day. I mean, on top of never feeling loved by my mother over my entire childhood, I was turned away and told I was wrong when I exhibited unconditional love and appreciation. It was always a confrontation. Love is never wrong, but for my entire life, into my 20's, I was made to feel wrong every time I loved anybody or anything.
It has created a ton of my sadness because I don't know if I'm missing something, or if I'm right...but I don't feel that over-powering, "I'd die for you" love about a single person, place or thing on Earth.
A lot of it comes from my lack of self-love. I don't even like myself 90% of the time. I still have memories, and things I won't even delve into in counseling. Things that nobody outside of my head knows. I don't really feel the need to share those things. I've accepted them, and I do realize how they've molded me into this 30-year old loveless, unloveable person.
The best time of my life since my early 20's was last year when I was in Florida....or at least the tale end of my time in Florida. I was never more alone during that time. My Dad was in the hospital for a month. His wife was with him every night, I'd go to see him every day, and he slept while I read.
Through that time, when I could have very well gone back into a spiral of depression, I was never more alive. I worked out hard, almost daily. I shed a lot of weight. So much of what motivated me were the memories I have inside of me.
Shouldn't I have been lonely and sad and grief-stricken? I ate dinner alone most nights, I didn't see anybody beyond a friendly "hi, how are you" from the gas station clerk or person at the gym. And that was as genuinely happy as I have been for a protracted period of time.
Don't get me wrong -- the traveling I have done and all that surface stuff has been great and it made me really, really happy in those moments....But something was different for that short time down here (I'm here now visiting). It was my time in exile, yet, it was the closest I have been to self-acceptance and "liking" myself.
Everyone I "loved" by the conventional definition of the word, family, etc...they were all 1,200 miles away. I had nobody, I left them all behind and yet didn't miss them during that time.
This is all on me. I'm fucked up completely. I'm not depressed, I think I am just numb. I think the sum of my "love" has been given and given, and I've done so much surface shit to show people that I care, and again, it gets disregarded without a thought.
I profoundly care about a lot of people, but I don't know that I'm hard-wired to love. I think whatever wiring we are born with in our brains...those synapses that make you love with all you are -- those wires were shorted out before I had the chance to even stand up to the forces that were killing them.
On one hand I'm glad that I don't have attachments with "things" that replace what I feel is my incapacity to LOVE. But at the same time, it's really scary to think of a life where that doesn't turn around.
I have been blessed with so much good in my life....so why do I still come back to the bad? My compass is just broken. It's nobody's fault but my own. I keep hoping something snaps and magically I wake up tomorrow and it's like everything looks and feels different. That realization, to me, is progress though. I can identify that life is suffering. I'm turning the corner and identifying what's making me suffer. Now I need to act on some of the things that have been calling out to me, the things I keep turning the volume down on. I've left acceptance at the side of the road throughout my entire adult life. I've got to "fix this." Sometimes, shit's just broken and it needs to be thrown out.
Although, there are a ton of common themes in everything I am reading (mostly depression/minduflness/Buddhism books), things do differ, even if just slightly.
But where I'm at lately, like A LOT lately, comes from nowhere but it comes from everywhere too. I'm not parroting, but I'm coming to a pretty profound self-actualization -- I don't know that there's any person on this planet that I love.
It's really hard to type that, and it's really hard to read it, but let me explain:
The conventional "love" is something that nobody really knows. As a child, I didn't see one ounce of love, or even an ounce of liking each other, between my parents. It's carried through me throughout my life. I'm now fully understanding what IT IS to love, and be loved. And to love, you have to have been loved, or maybe more importantly, to love, you have to have FELT loved at some point in your childhood.
I felt loved by my Dad, but, at every turn, I was beaten down for that by my Mother. I resent that, and I do to this day. I mean, on top of never feeling loved by my mother over my entire childhood, I was turned away and told I was wrong when I exhibited unconditional love and appreciation. It was always a confrontation. Love is never wrong, but for my entire life, into my 20's, I was made to feel wrong every time I loved anybody or anything.
It has created a ton of my sadness because I don't know if I'm missing something, or if I'm right...but I don't feel that over-powering, "I'd die for you" love about a single person, place or thing on Earth.
A lot of it comes from my lack of self-love. I don't even like myself 90% of the time. I still have memories, and things I won't even delve into in counseling. Things that nobody outside of my head knows. I don't really feel the need to share those things. I've accepted them, and I do realize how they've molded me into this 30-year old loveless, unloveable person.
The best time of my life since my early 20's was last year when I was in Florida....or at least the tale end of my time in Florida. I was never more alone during that time. My Dad was in the hospital for a month. His wife was with him every night, I'd go to see him every day, and he slept while I read.
Through that time, when I could have very well gone back into a spiral of depression, I was never more alive. I worked out hard, almost daily. I shed a lot of weight. So much of what motivated me were the memories I have inside of me.
Shouldn't I have been lonely and sad and grief-stricken? I ate dinner alone most nights, I didn't see anybody beyond a friendly "hi, how are you" from the gas station clerk or person at the gym. And that was as genuinely happy as I have been for a protracted period of time.
Don't get me wrong -- the traveling I have done and all that surface stuff has been great and it made me really, really happy in those moments....But something was different for that short time down here (I'm here now visiting). It was my time in exile, yet, it was the closest I have been to self-acceptance and "liking" myself.
Everyone I "loved" by the conventional definition of the word, family, etc...they were all 1,200 miles away. I had nobody, I left them all behind and yet didn't miss them during that time.
This is all on me. I'm fucked up completely. I'm not depressed, I think I am just numb. I think the sum of my "love" has been given and given, and I've done so much surface shit to show people that I care, and again, it gets disregarded without a thought.
I profoundly care about a lot of people, but I don't know that I'm hard-wired to love. I think whatever wiring we are born with in our brains...those synapses that make you love with all you are -- those wires were shorted out before I had the chance to even stand up to the forces that were killing them.
On one hand I'm glad that I don't have attachments with "things" that replace what I feel is my incapacity to LOVE. But at the same time, it's really scary to think of a life where that doesn't turn around.
I have been blessed with so much good in my life....so why do I still come back to the bad? My compass is just broken. It's nobody's fault but my own. I keep hoping something snaps and magically I wake up tomorrow and it's like everything looks and feels different. That realization, to me, is progress though. I can identify that life is suffering. I'm turning the corner and identifying what's making me suffer. Now I need to act on some of the things that have been calling out to me, the things I keep turning the volume down on. I've left acceptance at the side of the road throughout my entire adult life. I've got to "fix this." Sometimes, shit's just broken and it needs to be thrown out.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Inspiration through boredom
i exist in the depths of solitude
pondering my true goal
trying 2 find peace of mind
and still preserve my soul
constantly yearning 2 be acceptedand from all
receive respect
never comprising but sometimes risking
and that is my only regret
a young heart with an old soul
how can there be peace
how can i be in the depths of solitude
when there r 2 inside of me
this duo within me causes
the perfect oppurtunity2 learn
and live twice as fastas those who
accept simplicity. -- T.A.S
pondering my true goal
trying 2 find peace of mind
and still preserve my soul
constantly yearning 2 be acceptedand from all
receive respect
never comprising but sometimes risking
and that is my only regret
a young heart with an old soul
how can there be peace
how can i be in the depths of solitude
when there r 2 inside of me
this duo within me causes
the perfect oppurtunity2 learn
and live twice as fastas those who
accept simplicity. -- T.A.S
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Perfect
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.". --Washington Irving
L.H
STILL HERE
been scared and battered.
My hopes the wind done scattered.
Snow has friz me,
Sun has baked me,
Looks like between 'em they done
Tried to make me
Stop laughin', stop lovin', stop livin'--
But I don't care!
I'm still here!
-- Langston Hughes
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