It's funny...when this all started, I knew where the stigma would come from. I knew the people who'd joke about everything that's happened like a fucking high school kid making fun of the retarded kid in school. It ended up being true. I also knew the folks who'd take on my depression as if it was their own. I think it's called displacement theory. Yep, that happened.
I had blind faith in some people, but I also had faith that some people would be completely awful towards me, so I avoided them.
Sometimes you think of all of these things, yet, it doesn't go as planned. Our first inclination is to think negatively, and we're surprised. Sometimes, sadly, it goes exactly as you thought though....that's me.
My problem manifests itself in Buffalo because of other people. I'm NOT blaming anybody, but, these are triggers. Drop an alcoholic into a bar. Put somebody with lung cancer in a room full of smokers. Drop someone with zero self-esteem in a life where people constantly speak negatively to them and drop guilt on them -- not understanding that they have a life of their own now.
More and more I see that I need to be gone -- but please just put it in your head, think about what other people have to go through. I know when you're in your routine it's hard to see through other people's eyes. Imagine being in a place where you've lived for 26 years of the 30 years you spent on this earth....and having it not feel like home.
I thought I'd come back here and the love and peace I found in myself would be a shield. It's worked a little bit. There are parts of my life, triggers in Buffalo, that I've pushed as far away from me as I possibly could. But it's not enough. This is all fucked up. I can't cry every day. I can't have suicidal ideations and night terrors any more. One night I sat here and wanted to start a suicide note just to see what it would feel like, and what it would look like.
This is where it all starts up. This is the catalyst. The snowball is this big fucked up negative energy and discomfort in my own skin. It's rolling down the hill and getting bigger and picking up speed every day. This is getting worse. How is that possible? I feel so so devastated. I've given, and given and given without a single thank you. My family has given and given and given without a single thank you...and now I have nothing. My pride is non-existent. My self-worth is on the floor. I'm useless, and on the doorstep of Brylin again. I came here being told there would be people I could talk to if I needed to...they've magically evaporated -- but were they ever really there? Why should I stay? Why should I stay? I can't come up with one reason why.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
K-K-K-K-Kerouac
I think of Dean Moriarty...and sometimes I hope he thinks of me.
There's a stirring in me that doesn't stop. It's funny to see how people react to my when I am in over-thinking mode. I get emotional, I cry, I think of suicide. Those are all things that I don't wish upon myself, but when the storm comes it's what happens.
It's not a psycho-babble book, or a technical, dry, boring read written by a psychiatrist. The most important book anybody could read to understand where I am at, and where a lot of people like me come from, is one of the greatest books of all time. I beg you to read On the Road by Jack Kerouac. I'll give you my copy. Download the audiobook, anything. It is it.
The rambling, manic impulses that Kerouac so brilliantly and beautifully illustrates are what make me me and what make depressives, and folks with bi-polar them. It's the timeless, vague and never-ending battle of looking for an identity -- a tale that goes back to the Bible. In this modern day what Keroac writes about is a lifestyle that isn't mainstream, and never really was. It's a very stigmatized way of thinking, much less a way of living.
But it's what stirs in me every minute of the day. I can't exist like this, stable, in a job, in a dull routine every day. It has clicked into place since everything happened in May of 2008. The chaos that goes with all of this...it's when I am most comfortable.
Recently, after going to Vergas with the boys, it hit me hard. The best day I had there was when I was alone, left to just do what I wanted to do -- and I had no plan. No itinerary. I just did.
How do I meet a middle? I know realistically that what I'm talking about isn't possible, short of being a vagrant.
Another, maybe a bit more mainstream example of what I mean is Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer. Not sure if it's a commonly known story, but Chris McCandless left it all behind. He was one of us. He was someone who felt deeper and hurt more than most. The world bothered him more than it bothers 99% of the world. He took the money he had saved, $24,000, and donated all of it. He was an idealist, and an introvert...but an introvert who, when needed, could flash the charm that drew people to him.
This is what I think about as I also contemplate how the first 15 minutes of the news tonight will be about a football game, while this country wages two wars under the threat of a potentially nuclear Iran (think Hitler, only Hitler with the power to nuke Israel in his hands). The resources that we spend on clothes, and cars, and iPods while people in other countries don't have running water and have a life expectancy of 45 years old. Countries where men rape women who have AIDS thinking that will cure them of AIDS (think of what this does to spread the growth of AIDS).
I'm not in a position financially to help this out, and that hurts me a lot. I do what I can. I donate monthly. I wear the "INAMTANM" shirt and explain what it means to people who ask. But it's like trying to put out a fire with a glass of water. There are amazing people over there trying to help as much as they can. I struggle with that. I'd love to go and help, but almost every opportunity is tied to Christian ministry -- and I'm not comfortable with that at all. Ministry seems to me to be so incredibly un-ethical, immoral and exploitative. These people have a desperate desire for basic human needs...it's not an opportunity for you to impose your beliefs on people who have nothing else to grasp onto. It just doesn't sit right with me. There has to be a way to help, and not push an agenda.
There's a stirring in me that doesn't stop. It's funny to see how people react to my when I am in over-thinking mode. I get emotional, I cry, I think of suicide. Those are all things that I don't wish upon myself, but when the storm comes it's what happens.
It's not a psycho-babble book, or a technical, dry, boring read written by a psychiatrist. The most important book anybody could read to understand where I am at, and where a lot of people like me come from, is one of the greatest books of all time. I beg you to read On the Road by Jack Kerouac. I'll give you my copy. Download the audiobook, anything. It is it.
The rambling, manic impulses that Kerouac so brilliantly and beautifully illustrates are what make me me and what make depressives, and folks with bi-polar them. It's the timeless, vague and never-ending battle of looking for an identity -- a tale that goes back to the Bible. In this modern day what Keroac writes about is a lifestyle that isn't mainstream, and never really was. It's a very stigmatized way of thinking, much less a way of living.
But it's what stirs in me every minute of the day. I can't exist like this, stable, in a job, in a dull routine every day. It has clicked into place since everything happened in May of 2008. The chaos that goes with all of this...it's when I am most comfortable.
Recently, after going to Vergas with the boys, it hit me hard. The best day I had there was when I was alone, left to just do what I wanted to do -- and I had no plan. No itinerary. I just did.
How do I meet a middle? I know realistically that what I'm talking about isn't possible, short of being a vagrant.
Another, maybe a bit more mainstream example of what I mean is Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer. Not sure if it's a commonly known story, but Chris McCandless left it all behind. He was one of us. He was someone who felt deeper and hurt more than most. The world bothered him more than it bothers 99% of the world. He took the money he had saved, $24,000, and donated all of it. He was an idealist, and an introvert...but an introvert who, when needed, could flash the charm that drew people to him.
This is what I think about as I also contemplate how the first 15 minutes of the news tonight will be about a football game, while this country wages two wars under the threat of a potentially nuclear Iran (think Hitler, only Hitler with the power to nuke Israel in his hands). The resources that we spend on clothes, and cars, and iPods while people in other countries don't have running water and have a life expectancy of 45 years old. Countries where men rape women who have AIDS thinking that will cure them of AIDS (think of what this does to spread the growth of AIDS).
I'm not in a position financially to help this out, and that hurts me a lot. I do what I can. I donate monthly. I wear the "INAMTANM" shirt and explain what it means to people who ask. But it's like trying to put out a fire with a glass of water. There are amazing people over there trying to help as much as they can. I struggle with that. I'd love to go and help, but almost every opportunity is tied to Christian ministry -- and I'm not comfortable with that at all. Ministry seems to me to be so incredibly un-ethical, immoral and exploitative. These people have a desperate desire for basic human needs...it's not an opportunity for you to impose your beliefs on people who have nothing else to grasp onto. It just doesn't sit right with me. There has to be a way to help, and not push an agenda.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Thanks Jeff
Thanks Jeff for this. Sorry it was so late, people don't ever comment and I just read your comments to my post a few weeks ago. Made me cry man! Thanks!
I look forward to the scorn and stigma...
"Heavenly Father, I come to you today and pray that you help my friend Kevin, and for that matter, that You help me (and others like us), to find our true place and purpose in this life. At times, we've been blessed with such clarity from You about what it is we should be doing, and where it is we should be going (even if we've never acknowledged You as the source of that wisdom). And yet, there are still times like now when we still feel lost and burdened by the weight of our feelings and uncertainty. Please help us to break free from that doubt and from any fears! I admit that I regularly charge off after my own desires before consulting You about which direction I should go. I guess that's why they say that human beings are the only creatures who speed up when lost. I don't want to be lost anymore. Dear Lord, I pray that you will not remember the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions. Please think of me according to Your mercy and for Your goodness' sake, O Lord. Lord I turn from all of those sins that I committed and I ask for Your help in washing the memory and thoughts of that sin completely from my mind. Please restore me to faithful obedience to Your Word, and fill me with Your Holy Spirit anew, so that I may keep Your commands all the days of my life. Lord Jesus, I invite you into my heart anew today, and I ask forgiveness for all of my sins. Jesus, thank you for dying for my sins and for forgiving me of them through your shed blood for me on the cross. Please take away all the sinful 'old things' in my heart that defile me, and replace them with the 'good things' that you desire to grow in to my life. Please wash away all the sinful crud and tendencies toward evil and replace them with a hunger and thirst for your righteousness. I need your help, Lord God, in living this new life in Christ. Please send your Holy Spirit afresh into my life to help me, heal me, lead me and transform me. I also pray that your shed blood washes over me, protects me, and that I am counted worthy to escape the things that are coming upon this world in the form of your righteous judgment. Lastly, I pray that you have mercy on this nation even though we deserve your fierce judgment for our blatant sins that are before you. Help us to see the error in our ways as individuals and as a nation, and lead us to repentance before it's too late for us. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen."
I look forward to the scorn and stigma...
Every Day
It's hard to explain what it means, but every day I am here my soul feels tortured. I exist, and I don't want to just exist. I'm in a waiting room, waiting for the next piece of drama, the next piece of negativity, to hit me. It feels like I'm suffocating.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
I get it...
You're arrogant...we get it. With so many people in REAL need in this world, and you're the charity case? Is there any end to your ego? Shake yourself.
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