Even on a good day, I think about killing myself at least once.

Relapse

It's hard to get this into words. It's impossible. I think about not being alive more often than I don't think about it. Things are back to where they were before Brylin in 2008. I'm absolutely numb all day, with those thoughts of not having to deal with this world perpetually in my head.

I am tired of being a burden to people. I sat in my car, in tears on Monday night, writing what I thought my suicide note would look like. But, I don't care that I feel like this. Before when this all happened, I cared a lot more. This time, I'm resigned to my worthlessness.

I go through EVERY SINGLE DAY feeling outside of the day-to-day society. I feel like a passenger, just staring out the window as everything passes by -- I just am. There's a separation. They always say "go exercise, get out of the house, do something." I've tried all of that shit since Monday, and it makes things worse. I walked to the store yesterday and I cried the entire time. I went to the Post Office, did my business, and when I got in the car I hyperventilated and cried.

I read that people in a depressive episode don't have low self-esteem, their self-esteem is completely non-existent. I guess that's the best way for me to say it. If someone says that the love me I think they're lying. If someone says something nice about me, it goes right over my head because it's just not true. I'm an empty shell.

The thought of someone, anyone else in this world having to feel the way I have felt this past week makes me profoundly sad. I never, ever want anyone I love to even come close to how this feels. I don't want someone I don't like to ever feel this way. It's absolutely devastating. I thought I had come so far. It's all a sham. I'm non-existent. Let me just go away.

Em

I can't stop listening to the second track on Eminem's new album:

I went away I guess to open up some lanes
But there was no one who even knew what I was going through- growing pains
Hatred was flowing through my veins
On the verge of going insane

then...

All I know is I'm wallowin self-loathing and hollow
Bottoms up on the pill bottle maybe I'll hit my bottom tomorrow
My sorrow right goes in this hall though
But I must be talkin to the wall though
I don't see nobody else

and...

So I pick myself off the ground and fuckin slam before I drown
Hit my bottom so hard I bounce twice suffice this time around

Inspired and Pensive

I stumbled upon this today:

The third level of suffering is the most significant -- the pervasive suffering of conditioning. This refers to the very fact of our unenlightened existence, the fact that we are ruled by our negative emotions and their underlying root cause, namely our own fundamental ignorance of the nature of reality. Buddhism asserts that as long as we are under the control of this fundamental ignorance, we are suffering; this unenlightened existence is suffering by its very nature. -- Dalai Lama

The nature of reality exists so far outside of the realm that many people can grasp. Most people can't fathom a world outside of their relationships, their job, and themselves. It's strange, because the obvious nature of reality isn't rooted in the things that so many people center their realities around -- money, popularity, "supposed-to" living and things....surface.

That's where my disconnect lies. It's really hard for me to see the pomp and circumstance that go along with things that do nothing but massage the ego. Ultimately, what good is an expensive wedding? I've had more fun at small weddings, better stories from crazy weddings in the backwoods of Western Massachusetts. It's all vanilla. The wall decor is different. The dresses and ties are different, but it's all ultimately the same. It's a plug and play society where most people have to structure their fun and have a regimented idea of (for example) when to be spiritual (Sunday morning, but Saturday night if the Bills have a 1:00 game right?).

Bliss is not something that can be scheduled. Joy is not something you plan. Happiness is not a dot on the map. Yet, the grasping...the yearning I see from people to get to these non-existent destinations suffocates me.

The pervasive suffering of conditioning -- we're built this way. Enlightenment is fighting like hell to break the cycle of pervasive conditioning. The unenlightened existence is suffering, because a life filled with chasing something that cannot be caught (joy...happiness) ends nowhere.

My disconnect from this shit is only growing