I'm so tired of being this way

Dissociation

Even on a good day, I think about killing myself at least once.

Relapse

It's hard to get this into words. It's impossible. I think about not being alive more often than I don't think about it. Things are back to where they were before Brylin in 2008. I'm absolutely numb all day, with those thoughts of not having to deal with this world perpetually in my head.

I am tired of being a burden to people. I sat in my car, in tears on Monday night, writing what I thought my suicide note would look like. But, I don't care that I feel like this. Before when this all happened, I cared a lot more. This time, I'm resigned to my worthlessness.

I go through EVERY SINGLE DAY feeling outside of the day-to-day society. I feel like a passenger, just staring out the window as everything passes by -- I just am. There's a separation. They always say "go exercise, get out of the house, do something." I've tried all of that shit since Monday, and it makes things worse. I walked to the store yesterday and I cried the entire time. I went to the Post Office, did my business, and when I got in the car I hyperventilated and cried.

I read that people in a depressive episode don't have low self-esteem, their self-esteem is completely non-existent. I guess that's the best way for me to say it. If someone says that the love me I think they're lying. If someone says something nice about me, it goes right over my head because it's just not true. I'm an empty shell.

The thought of someone, anyone else in this world having to feel the way I have felt this past week makes me profoundly sad. I never, ever want anyone I love to even come close to how this feels. I don't want someone I don't like to ever feel this way. It's absolutely devastating. I thought I had come so far. It's all a sham. I'm non-existent. Let me just go away.

Em

I can't stop listening to the second track on Eminem's new album:

I went away I guess to open up some lanes
But there was no one who even knew what I was going through- growing pains
Hatred was flowing through my veins
On the verge of going insane

then...

All I know is I'm wallowin self-loathing and hollow
Bottoms up on the pill bottle maybe I'll hit my bottom tomorrow
My sorrow right goes in this hall though
But I must be talkin to the wall though
I don't see nobody else

and...

So I pick myself off the ground and fuckin slam before I drown
Hit my bottom so hard I bounce twice suffice this time around