It's so funny to see people who are always on the go, doing nothing substantial or meaningful, yet, always being busy. They are so obviously out of love with themselves that they have to fill every moment of awake time doing SOMETHING. If, God forbid, they have a moment in their day to themselves, they start to shake like a smoker who needs a cigarette.
That was totally me, without a doubt, and I think that's why it affects me so much when I am around people who are like that now. It's frustrating because it ends in a crash almost a million times out of a million. It happened down here with my Dad getting sick. Between Dad and his wife they both move at a thousand miles an hour, yet neither of them go anywhere, and nothing they do changes anything.
I'm not talking about work, or sports, or anything like that -- anything recreational. I mean those moments when you're home, and the options are to go out and shop, buying things you don't need, or cleaning something that really doesn't need to be cleaned. The other option is to just sit, and breathe, and take everything in. Be mindful of the things around you. Live and love life. Enjoy yourself. That sounds so simple, yet, it seems like it's so rare.
Spiritually, I believe that my Dad getting sick was a sign that things need to slow down, but it is breaking my heart that the lesson has gone right over their heads. Briefly, it all came crashing down, and that could have been permanent. What would have been left? Remembering those amazing moments that you've had together, or obsessing that there are a couple empty fucking glasses in the sink and that the vacuum needs to be run?
There can be so many more of those moments of being...presence...and it really is that easy -- you just have to let them happen. This is doing by non-doing. I will guarantee one thing to anybody -- constantly going, going, going is not the way to live.
I love traveling more than anything on the planet. I traveled like a mother all the way through my early twenties, but, that slowed to a halt. What started to happen was I began working so much that when I wasn't working, I felt a subtle guilt stirring underneath me. When I was involved in something I loved doing, the joy was not what it used to be because of that underlying guilt. "I could be getting this set up right now...I could pick up a shift and have that much more money to put into savings, or to pay off the couch, etc..." It's a vicious cycle of racing thoughts that rob you of your essential self.
I stop myself a lot now when I start doing that stuff and I ask myself the simplest question ever, and answering it is supremely easy. "Would 12-year old me think what I am doing now is awesome?" The answer to that was always a resounding yes in my early 20's, but the answer has been no for a really, really long time. The easiest way to stifle that question is to keep busy -- doing.
You can't change other people, it's not your job, and it's usually not welcomed (even though those same folks have NO FUCKING PROBLEM telling you what you need to change or what you're doing wrong). What you can do is shut them out, and I'm getting good at doing that. Hell, if I'm the only one that pulled something out of the horror that has been the last two months, that's great, but it makes me sad because I'm not the one that the lesson was intended for.
July 15th....that's how it gets fixed permanently. For now, it's work, Amos Lee, reading, writing, the gym and Netflix on Demand for me. Resistance is futile -- to say anything would be to dump gallons of water into the ocean.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
The Past
I don't know how to cope with what's been pounding around in my head lately. There is a lot for me to focus on at the present moment -- moving back home, my Dad's health, work, and just riding the waves day-to-day -- yet, I am killing myself over the fact that I flat out can't shake the past year off of me completely.
I read an article about Joey Votto of the Cincinnati Reds yesterday, and it brought back so many nightmares from when the depression was eating my life away last year. And I think I have said it before, but, my darkest days now are when those thoughts flood back into my head. It's a living nightmare....Perfect example is when my Dad was in the hospital. He had apple juice on his breakfast tray, and, the cup looked identical to the apple juices that were at the hospital I was admitted to. It triggered me, and I had to go to the waiting room and cry it out, breathe, and try to clear my head. Just visualizing that now still makes me sick.
Anyways, in the article Votto talks about how he couldn't be alone during his depression, and that he always had the phone ready when he was alone, so he could call the hospital or friends and family. It is an absolute impossibility to describe what that feels like to anyone that has never been there. I am in tears now just thinking about the suffering of Votto, myself, and others who I have been blessed to meet in the past year that have suffered with depression.
You need the phone on your nightstand for a few horrific reasons. 1.) in those depressive episodes, getting out of bed seems like the hardest thing anybody in the world could possibly ask you to do in that moment and 2.) that phone, that damn phone, needs to be there so you can call the hospital, the suicide hotline, and anyone close that could save you when the darkness dominates your thinking and you're just ready to end the game.
It would be amazing to just want the phone close because you're watching a movie and don't want to have to get up and get the phone if it rings in the middle of the movie. Nope, the phone becomes a suicide prevention device in those moments. I tried to call those moments scary moments, but, scary is an absolute injustice to the writhing around in tears, screaming, racing thoughts, zero self-worth and lack of desire to keep living. What boils inside of you can literally not be described in words...I wish I could...
People-wise, I've washed my hands (or have I?) of caring about the people who've not understood me, judged me, and talked shit about me behind my back through all of this. As every day ticks down to me coming home, I worry that those other people have the power to fuck up everything I want to do when I do get back though. It baffles me how anybody who has never taken a minute to get to know what I've been through can tell people I love and care about that I'm not worth it. It happens in every facet of life, on a much more small and insignificant scale (like when I get mad at Brandon Inge striking out yet again, but don't consider that Brandon is a loving, caring husband and father with a lot on his plate off of the field).
But the common thread is there. We only truly know those who we are completely intimate and open with, yet people judge so clearly from the outside when in fact they have no fucking idea what it truly going on. I have a lot of friends, and I love the hell out of all of them, but for me I could count the people who I feel truly know me and understand me on one hand. Still, some folks who I haven't seen or spoken to in months upon months are what I am worried about? Why am I letting this happen?
And that's why I - the apparent "selfish asshole" - have to just make it about me, my ideals, what I want and to go from there....but I worry that I'm flat not wired that way. I still identify that idea as being selfish, but I know it's the only way to be if I want to not relapse, and ultimately lead a good life and achieve personal happiness.
I'd love to come home in July, and just worry about finding consistent work, and starting a life. If those were the only things on my plate I'd be loving life, but I know there are so many mini-battles waiting for me, that I wonder if it's even fucking worth coming back. I'm blindly, and maybe foolishly, optimistic that my inner-strength has solidified enough that fights prompted by the words of ignorant others won't take the toll they've taken in the past. I just don't know if that's true.
I read an article about Joey Votto of the Cincinnati Reds yesterday, and it brought back so many nightmares from when the depression was eating my life away last year. And I think I have said it before, but, my darkest days now are when those thoughts flood back into my head. It's a living nightmare....Perfect example is when my Dad was in the hospital. He had apple juice on his breakfast tray, and, the cup looked identical to the apple juices that were at the hospital I was admitted to. It triggered me, and I had to go to the waiting room and cry it out, breathe, and try to clear my head. Just visualizing that now still makes me sick.
Anyways, in the article Votto talks about how he couldn't be alone during his depression, and that he always had the phone ready when he was alone, so he could call the hospital or friends and family. It is an absolute impossibility to describe what that feels like to anyone that has never been there. I am in tears now just thinking about the suffering of Votto, myself, and others who I have been blessed to meet in the past year that have suffered with depression.
You need the phone on your nightstand for a few horrific reasons. 1.) in those depressive episodes, getting out of bed seems like the hardest thing anybody in the world could possibly ask you to do in that moment and 2.) that phone, that damn phone, needs to be there so you can call the hospital, the suicide hotline, and anyone close that could save you when the darkness dominates your thinking and you're just ready to end the game.
It would be amazing to just want the phone close because you're watching a movie and don't want to have to get up and get the phone if it rings in the middle of the movie. Nope, the phone becomes a suicide prevention device in those moments. I tried to call those moments scary moments, but, scary is an absolute injustice to the writhing around in tears, screaming, racing thoughts, zero self-worth and lack of desire to keep living. What boils inside of you can literally not be described in words...I wish I could...
People-wise, I've washed my hands (or have I?) of caring about the people who've not understood me, judged me, and talked shit about me behind my back through all of this. As every day ticks down to me coming home, I worry that those other people have the power to fuck up everything I want to do when I do get back though. It baffles me how anybody who has never taken a minute to get to know what I've been through can tell people I love and care about that I'm not worth it. It happens in every facet of life, on a much more small and insignificant scale (like when I get mad at Brandon Inge striking out yet again, but don't consider that Brandon is a loving, caring husband and father with a lot on his plate off of the field).
But the common thread is there. We only truly know those who we are completely intimate and open with, yet people judge so clearly from the outside when in fact they have no fucking idea what it truly going on. I have a lot of friends, and I love the hell out of all of them, but for me I could count the people who I feel truly know me and understand me on one hand. Still, some folks who I haven't seen or spoken to in months upon months are what I am worried about? Why am I letting this happen?
And that's why I - the apparent "selfish asshole" - have to just make it about me, my ideals, what I want and to go from there....but I worry that I'm flat not wired that way. I still identify that idea as being selfish, but I know it's the only way to be if I want to not relapse, and ultimately lead a good life and achieve personal happiness.
I'd love to come home in July, and just worry about finding consistent work, and starting a life. If those were the only things on my plate I'd be loving life, but I know there are so many mini-battles waiting for me, that I wonder if it's even fucking worth coming back. I'm blindly, and maybe foolishly, optimistic that my inner-strength has solidified enough that fights prompted by the words of ignorant others won't take the toll they've taken in the past. I just don't know if that's true.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Inspired and Untired
As it always does, my writing is prompted by song and verse. A lot of what I read today was just incredibly prescient to the past year of my life...and then I start to think about the light I find in music.
No reset button, where I stand now is where I stand, the past is over. I'm in Florida, a place where I genuinely like the people I've met....I'd put it at 90%. Everyone down here is so sweet, like in the service industry and anyone you interact with daily. I'm not sure if it really is a Florida thing (southern hospitality and all), or if my new perspective has subconsciously set in and I enjoy the moment, the now, more. I've always wanted to, and tried to see people for their good, and I'm so lucky because so many people in my life are amazing human beings.
I feel blessed to have all of you guys around me, just a phone call or text away. I knew you guys were amazing before, but, now it means so much more to me than you'll ever know. I can only hope you guys feel the same way about me, but ya know, the most important thing for me is that I love myself. I'm not there yet, I still defeat myself when I get a compliment, and hurt about things, but, I AM getting there. When I can fully love myself, I can fully love Y'ALL (I can't get y'all out of my system...it's there forever now).
My openness could be startling when I come back though. It probably has cost me down here, but I don't care, because it makes me feel good. At an interview they ask me why I'm in Lakeland, and my cheeky answer is usually (I ask myself that ALLLL the time), but when it gets going I explain, unabashedly raw, what happened that lead me down here. I guarantee that's why I didn't get the job, but, with the way things happened with Dad, it's a blessing.
But when I come back, I want to be more than just how we were. A perfect example of this is Joe Liberta's sister-in-law, Pammy. When I see Pam, I'm happy, but, in her presence I feel happy....don't overlook that word, because believe me, there's plenty of folks in Buffalo who I would never say I am just plain happy when I am around them. There's nowhere I'd rather be in those moments where Pammy is there, Izzy's being Izzy behind the bar, and Joey L is hugging me telling me how much he loves me. It can be a little better though, because I know we all have fears like a mother fucker, and pain beyond "oh, the Mets lost" or "oh, that guy fucked me over." I know firsthand that talking those out with someone you completely vibe with is the greatest feeling in the world, because a lot of our low self-esteem and self-worth comes from our unspoken fears. What I've found is, when you find someone, or a group of someones to talk to about that stuff, an incredibly large boulder comes off of your back...and VOILA, you have new friendships based on some pretty deep connections as a nice parting gift for that rock being lifted off your back.
I wish people could come on out and let it all down and be who they really are, because everyone has their guard up, even if it's just a little bit. My guard is down completely, and I'm an open book when I come home. I am just gonna flat love the hell out of y'all, tell you I think the world of you, and you're just going to have to deal with it....How amazing would it be if people genuinely told you they think you're amazing a couple times a day? There's no need to curse people down, or say something if you don't like them, ignoring, walking away, and subtracting yourself from the environment is so simple, and so necessary.
I'll start -- Gnome, I look up to you as a big brother because you're such an unbelievably caring and sincere guy, who has at times (the Charles Rogers dance) made me laugh hard as I ever have in my life....and Danielle, Little D, could not be more perfect for you because her spirit, her love of living, and sense of humor shines from the minute her head hits my lower rib-cage and she hugs me (had to make a short joke -- my bad). And if Evan's first words are "Michigan", then he'll officially be the greatest baby since baby Jesus.
James Morrison: "Sometimes I feel so full of love it just comes spilling out. It's uncomfortable to see, I give it away so easily!"
With everything that has happened in the past month, I think a step back was probably to be expected, but other than crying a lot when the news "you're Dad may not make it" came out of the doctor's mouth, I haven't stepped back. I'm ready to come home, I miss ALMOST everyone up there, and can't wait to be who I am now around people I love more than anything --- plus IKEA bedroom furniture isn't going to hurt!
No reset button, where I stand now is where I stand, the past is over. I'm in Florida, a place where I genuinely like the people I've met....I'd put it at 90%. Everyone down here is so sweet, like in the service industry and anyone you interact with daily. I'm not sure if it really is a Florida thing (southern hospitality and all), or if my new perspective has subconsciously set in and I enjoy the moment, the now, more. I've always wanted to, and tried to see people for their good, and I'm so lucky because so many people in my life are amazing human beings.
I feel blessed to have all of you guys around me, just a phone call or text away. I knew you guys were amazing before, but, now it means so much more to me than you'll ever know. I can only hope you guys feel the same way about me, but ya know, the most important thing for me is that I love myself. I'm not there yet, I still defeat myself when I get a compliment, and hurt about things, but, I AM getting there. When I can fully love myself, I can fully love Y'ALL (I can't get y'all out of my system...it's there forever now).
My openness could be startling when I come back though. It probably has cost me down here, but I don't care, because it makes me feel good. At an interview they ask me why I'm in Lakeland, and my cheeky answer is usually (I ask myself that ALLLL the time), but when it gets going I explain, unabashedly raw, what happened that lead me down here. I guarantee that's why I didn't get the job, but, with the way things happened with Dad, it's a blessing.
But when I come back, I want to be more than just how we were. A perfect example of this is Joe Liberta's sister-in-law, Pammy. When I see Pam, I'm happy, but, in her presence I feel happy....don't overlook that word, because believe me, there's plenty of folks in Buffalo who I would never say I am just plain happy when I am around them. There's nowhere I'd rather be in those moments where Pammy is there, Izzy's being Izzy behind the bar, and Joey L is hugging me telling me how much he loves me. It can be a little better though, because I know we all have fears like a mother fucker, and pain beyond "oh, the Mets lost" or "oh, that guy fucked me over." I know firsthand that talking those out with someone you completely vibe with is the greatest feeling in the world, because a lot of our low self-esteem and self-worth comes from our unspoken fears. What I've found is, when you find someone, or a group of someones to talk to about that stuff, an incredibly large boulder comes off of your back...and VOILA, you have new friendships based on some pretty deep connections as a nice parting gift for that rock being lifted off your back.
I wish people could come on out and let it all down and be who they really are, because everyone has their guard up, even if it's just a little bit. My guard is down completely, and I'm an open book when I come home. I am just gonna flat love the hell out of y'all, tell you I think the world of you, and you're just going to have to deal with it....How amazing would it be if people genuinely told you they think you're amazing a couple times a day? There's no need to curse people down, or say something if you don't like them, ignoring, walking away, and subtracting yourself from the environment is so simple, and so necessary.
I'll start -- Gnome, I look up to you as a big brother because you're such an unbelievably caring and sincere guy, who has at times (the Charles Rogers dance) made me laugh hard as I ever have in my life....and Danielle, Little D, could not be more perfect for you because her spirit, her love of living, and sense of humor shines from the minute her head hits my lower rib-cage and she hugs me (had to make a short joke -- my bad). And if Evan's first words are "Michigan", then he'll officially be the greatest baby since baby Jesus.
James Morrison: "Sometimes I feel so full of love it just comes spilling out. It's uncomfortable to see, I give it away so easily!"
With everything that has happened in the past month, I think a step back was probably to be expected, but other than crying a lot when the news "you're Dad may not make it" came out of the doctor's mouth, I haven't stepped back. I'm ready to come home, I miss ALMOST everyone up there, and can't wait to be who I am now around people I love more than anything --- plus IKEA bedroom furniture isn't going to hurt!
Friday, June 12, 2009
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