As it always does, my writing is prompted by song and verse. A lot of what I read today was just incredibly prescient to the past year of my life...and then I start to think about the light I find in music.
No reset button, where I stand now is where I stand, the past is over. I'm in Florida, a place where I genuinely like the people I've met....I'd put it at 90%. Everyone down here is so sweet, like in the service industry and anyone you interact with daily. I'm not sure if it really is a Florida thing (southern hospitality and all), or if my new perspective has subconsciously set in and I enjoy the moment, the now, more. I've always wanted to, and tried to see people for their good, and I'm so lucky because so many people in my life are amazing human beings.
I feel blessed to have all of you guys around me, just a phone call or text away. I knew you guys were amazing before, but, now it means so much more to me than you'll ever know. I can only hope you guys feel the same way about me, but ya know, the most important thing for me is that I love myself. I'm not there yet, I still defeat myself when I get a compliment, and hurt about things, but, I AM getting there. When I can fully love myself, I can fully love Y'ALL (I can't get y'all out of my system...it's there forever now).
My openness could be startling when I come back though. It probably has cost me down here, but I don't care, because it makes me feel good. At an interview they ask me why I'm in Lakeland, and my cheeky answer is usually (I ask myself that ALLLL the time), but when it gets going I explain, unabashedly raw, what happened that lead me down here. I guarantee that's why I didn't get the job, but, with the way things happened with Dad, it's a blessing.
But when I come back, I want to be more than just how we were. A perfect example of this is Joe Liberta's sister-in-law, Pammy. When I see Pam, I'm happy, but, in her presence I feel happy....don't overlook that word, because believe me, there's plenty of folks in Buffalo who I would never say I am just plain happy when I am around them. There's nowhere I'd rather be in those moments where Pammy is there, Izzy's being Izzy behind the bar, and Joey L is hugging me telling me how much he loves me. It can be a little better though, because I know we all have fears like a mother fucker, and pain beyond "oh, the Mets lost" or "oh, that guy fucked me over." I know firsthand that talking those out with someone you completely vibe with is the greatest feeling in the world, because a lot of our low self-esteem and self-worth comes from our unspoken fears. What I've found is, when you find someone, or a group of someones to talk to about that stuff, an incredibly large boulder comes off of your back...and VOILA, you have new friendships based on some pretty deep connections as a nice parting gift for that rock being lifted off your back.
I wish people could come on out and let it all down and be who they really are, because everyone has their guard up, even if it's just a little bit. My guard is down completely, and I'm an open book when I come home. I am just gonna flat love the hell out of y'all, tell you I think the world of you, and you're just going to have to deal with it....How amazing would it be if people genuinely told you they think you're amazing a couple times a day? There's no need to curse people down, or say something if you don't like them, ignoring, walking away, and subtracting yourself from the environment is so simple, and so necessary.
I'll start -- Gnome, I look up to you as a big brother because you're such an unbelievably caring and sincere guy, who has at times (the Charles Rogers dance) made me laugh hard as I ever have in my life....and Danielle, Little D, could not be more perfect for you because her spirit, her love of living, and sense of humor shines from the minute her head hits my lower rib-cage and she hugs me (had to make a short joke -- my bad). And if Evan's first words are "Michigan", then he'll officially be the greatest baby since baby Jesus.
James Morrison: "Sometimes I feel so full of love it just comes spilling out. It's uncomfortable to see, I give it away so easily!"
With everything that has happened in the past month, I think a step back was probably to be expected, but other than crying a lot when the news "you're Dad may not make it" came out of the doctor's mouth, I haven't stepped back. I'm ready to come home, I miss ALMOST everyone up there, and can't wait to be who I am now around people I love more than anything --- plus IKEA bedroom furniture isn't going to hurt!
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