It's a funny relationship I have with traveling. I guess it's my vice, whereas, I love it more than anything, yet it comes with a cost. Obviously financial costs, but, I wouldn't trade-in my debts and take away experiencing sunset on the Pacific, a game at White Hart Lane, and shit, being in Kansas City on a Wednesday in May with my Dad watching the Royals play the flippin' Twins. Wouldn't think for half of a second about it. No regrets. Thursday afternoon roadies alone to see Detroit play in Cleveland -- my favorite shit on the planet.
The REAL cost is that it gets in me and stays in me and it can't get kicked. The hangover sucks. It's a big part of this whole shitty equation that I'm trying to figure out. I love the road, I hate what it does to me when life has to happen...and life does have to happen....I'm not delusional.
What it is, I know what it is. It's hard to say, and it's hard to think, only because it can be completely mis-interpreted. I'm happier alone. I don't mind being around people...I like people, but, I've never, ever found someone who I was completely drawn to that I felt the incredible urge or neediness to always want them around at all costs....but I don't think I ever will meet that person. And that's OK. I've put a lot of people off because of that, and by no means has it ever been intentional. I guess I'm flaky, whatever people would call it...but, how I identify with the world has nothing to do with any other person on the planet.
Only in this spot though can compassion truly make its way in...and true, real love. If you live for somebody else, even your kids, you stop living for yourself...you can't do that. Give me real deep thought on this for a second -- day to day, everything is the same for most folks. They claim to be happy, and yet, whenever I have come across anybody whose ever gone out of their way to tell me how great things are, an incredible sadness is in their eyes. To brag, to be a billboard of happiness is outright phony.
It's completely bi-polar living to think of yourself as happy. Because underneath that is always the opposite, waiting to bite you. It'll bite you when your car breaks down, and it'll break you when you get shit on at work, or if say, Leodis McKelvin fumbles....(I'm just sayin', relax Buffalo).
If you weren't happy, what would you be? Sad, angry, broken, depressed, fucked up, whatever.....Where is humility, silence, stillness and compassion? It's so simple, yet painfully rare. You're just setting yourself up happy folks. When I hear someone tell me how happy they are, I shudder, because that mental construct of happy is not ever, ever permanent.
Happiness is in your soul. You can't think of yourself as happy. The greatest words to articulate this have already been taken:
"There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.
There is no way to peace. Peace is the way.
There is no way to enlightenment. Enlightenment is the way." -- Thich Nhat Hanh
It's no THING, it's no BODY. It's nameless, faceless. I'm there at moments. In those moments, that's where I find true grace, and it can be in such simple things. You know where my latest memory of grace comes in? And I look forward to this every time I am home -- when my little niece, 8-year old female Jerry Seinfeld, sees me, she yells "Dee, Dee!!!" and sprints full speed, usually tripping on her flip flops, or dropping her backpack, and leaps right into my arms. It's so pure, and I can understand where parenting can be transcendent in moments like that.
2 comments:
Well stated. I see this a lot with other Christians. Gosh! I've been guilty of it myself at times (see my blog for the past 2-3 weeks)!
We're all human, and whether we like it or not, we all have the same feelings -- just to varying degrees -- from time to time. We must remember that at all times regardless of our differences because that's what helps us live compassionately and display empathy when needed. In a sense, it's what "being human" is all about, isn't it?
We can't simply shut them off either just because we (or others) label ourselves a certain way. What I mean to say is that where religion has failed is by those who have preached for decades that "life will be a joyous walk in the park if you'd only accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior..." Please. That's phony and an outright lie!
Yes, pure joy and happiness is a definite fruit of the spirit that emerges over time as we allow Him to enter into our lives and lead us in how we are to live, but to say that "life gets easier" when you become a Christian just doesn't cut it. If anything, it becomes harder in a sense because our common enemy (Satan) will use anything and everything he can to beat you down and defeat you because he sees that he's losing you to the "other team" so to speak. I write this from personal experiences that continue to this day.
Didn't intend to make this a sermon, but I think you get what I'm trying to say here.
Sure, as we go through life and grow from our experiences (in my case, as I grow in my faith and relationship w/Jesus Christ) it becomes easier to manage the "extremes" so that they don't ultimately paralyze me from enjoying this life that I have and all its blessings. That's what I try to focus on -- my own version of those "weeknight Royals-Twins games with dad" like you mentioned (that was great in capturing a particular sentiment!). At the end of the day (at the end of this life), that's what I'll look back on and remember with a fond memory and a smile -- and I'll wish I had enjoyed more of those precious moments when they were given to me.
Anyway, I've rambled for far too long. Keep up the great work here my friend and may God bless you richly!
Praying For You,
Jeff (JRed)
Look Up Fellowship
I mentioned I was praying for you.
I'll leave it up to you whether or not you publish this, but I felt compelled to say this prayer for you (and anyone else who might be drawn to it today):
"Heavenly Father, I come to you today and pray that you help my friend Kevin, and for that matter, that You help me (and others like us), to find our true place and purpose in this life. At times, we've been blessed with such clarity from You about what it is we should be doing, and where it is we should be going (even if we've never acknowledged You as the source of that wisdom). And yet, there are still times like now when we still feel lost and burdened by the weight of our feelings and uncertainty. Please help us to break free from that doubt and from any fears! I admit that I regularly charge off after my own desires before consulting You about which direction I should go. I guess that's why they say that human beings are the only creatures who speed up when lost. I don't want to be lost anymore. Dear Lord, I pray that you will not remember the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions. Please think of me according to Your mercy and for Your goodness' sake, O Lord. Lord I turn from all of those sins that I committed and I ask for Your help in washing the memory and thoughts of that sin completely from my mind. Please restore me to faithful obedience to Your Word, and fill me with Your Holy Spirit anew, so that I may keep Your commands all the days of my life. Lord Jesus, I invite you into my heart anew today, and I ask forgiveness for all of my sins. Jesus, thank you for dying for my sins and for forgiving me of them through your shed blood for me on the cross. Please take away all the sinful 'old things' in my heart that defile me, and replace them with the 'good things' that you desire to grow in to my life. Please wash away all the sinful crud and tendencies toward evil and replace them with a hunger and thirst for your righteousness. I need your help, Lord God, in living this new life in Christ. Please send your Holy Spirit afresh into my life to help me, heal me, lead me and transform me. I also pray that your shed blood washes over me, protects me, and that I am counted worthy to escape the things that are coming upon this world in the form of your righteous judgment. Lastly, I pray that you have mercy on this nation even though we deserve your fierce judgment for our blatant sins that are before you. Help us to see the error in our ways as individuals and as a nation, and lead us to repentance before it's too late for us. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen."
Praying For You,
Jeff (JRed)
Look Up Fellowship
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