Seize The Day

Today was the kind of day to just pray to God and say Thanks for such an amazing, heartening day. I feel tremendously restored. Hearing nice things about myself from other people....it feels good and I believe it all. It's amazing when the progress you feel like you are making is validated when other people see it in you, and articulate that to you.

Or if you'd like, just sit back, at a distance and judge me without ever getting to know me....I'll take the love and affirmation from people who I hold dear in my heart.

A lil' Mason Jennings for you:

guess where I was....

Super eerie being in the bedroom Lincoln died in

perhaps Biggie and P. Diddy shot him because Abe 'repped the West Coast though??? Or perhaps I'm an ass and make my 12 year old cousin do ridiculous things in gift shops?

Ford Theatre

oh those witty children

3 hours of traffic for a normally 45 mintue drive, boredom, and a digital camera = making a beautiful 8-year old girl pose like she's 50 Cent

Yikes

I just wanted to share this and drop and F-Bomb, saying that this is exactly FUCKING it. This drills where I am at at in recovery RIGHT NOW.

STAIND -- FADE

I try to breathe
Memories overtaking me
I try to face them but
the thought is too
Much to conceive

I only know that I can change
Everything else just stays the same
So now I step out of the darkness
That my life became 'cause

I just needed someone to talk to
You were just too busy with yourself
You were never there for me to
Express how I felt
I just stuffed it down
Now I'm older and I feel like
I could let some of this anger fade
But it seems the surface
I am scratching
Is the bed that I have made

So where were you
When all this I was going through
You never took the time to ask me
Just what you could do

I only know that I can change
Everything else just stays the same
So now I step out of the darkness
That my life became 'cause

I just needed someone to talk to
You were just too busy with yourself
You were never there for me to
Express how I felt
I just stuffed it down
Now I'm older and I feel like
I could let some of this anger fade
But it seems the surface
I am scratching
Is the bed that I have made

I'd especially like to thank (nts) any of y'all who would have come to see me if I was laid up with a physical illness but haven't shed a second of your time for me because it's mental. If you even have to ask if I mean you, then I do.

Y'all who I love and know have been there with me, heart and soul, thoughts, prayers and simple gestures like a text, phone call a visit, or whatever...I love you and appreciate you more than I can express into words -- I love you more than I love Curtis Granderson and PS3 COMBINED (a lot more...sorry Curtis and Sony).

"So if we love someone, we should train in being able to listen. By listening with calm and understanding, we can ease the suffering of another person." -- Thich Nhat Hanh

Little Battles

My head is awash with so many different things. From the ridiculously meaningless and goofy, to the profound and inspiring. Seriously, as I sit here, I am juggling two quotes in my mind...and also a touch of anxiety about the Orlando Magic point guard situation...but I digress -- One of the quotes tumbling around in my head is from one of the worst movies ever -- Heat, and one is from Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Buddhist monk. I think the first one is universally known for it's corny-ness, but it goes a lil' somethin' like this "don't let yourself get attached to anything you can't walk away from in 30 seconds flat...."

Attachment is something I'm pounding my head against the wall about, seemingly for the last couple of weeks. Why are bonds that have done more harm to you than anything in the world so sacred? It's an amazingly curious thing to keep getting burned by the fire because you feel drawn to it. We ALL do it. You feel obligated to be near it, even when you know the damage that will come. IT IS CALLED SELF-REALIZATION and/or SELF-ACTUALIZATION when you acknowledge this, IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU ARE BLAMING SOMEONE ELSE...Don't patronize me with your dime store psychology....This is where the second quote comes in, and it's much more profound, trust me...it's so profound, I'm going to block quote this bad boy:

"When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don't blame the lettuce. You look into the reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or our family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and arguments. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change." Thich Nhat Hanh

Now, what the hell ties this all together? There's a thread here somewhere.

The underlying problems I have aren't with Buffalo. I love the city. I think it's amazing. I'm not sure I've been to a city that has a cooler area than the Elmwood Village down to Albright-Knox and over to Delaware Park and the Zoo....So I really struggle when I say that I can't see staying here because it will stifle MY growth. I <3 Buffalo but MY growth is the most important thing in the world. Sadly, recent events have hammered home that it may not be in my best interests long-term to stay here -- and this is where good ol' Val Kilmer's quote from Heat comes in (I think????...good Lord is this convoluted).

I'm not running away from anything or anyone. There's no reason to hold on, or be attached to negative energies...it's not running away, it's just a natural drifting apart that happens when there is stagnation versus growth...The drifting needs to happen if I am to ever kick this thing...Fuck it, not only kick it, but be somebody who lives mindfully with grace and peace every day.

The fucked up thing is, the very people who scoff at the idea of negative energies, and call people, say, with an altar that has a Buddhist statue on it a "weird-o" are the ones who I am "supposed to" be attached to. Their narrow-mindedness should make the drifting apart LESS painless right?

As in the quote by Thich Nhat Hanh, if you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love. Well, right now I am on the opposite side of that -- I am surrounded by people who don't understand, and thus, don't show that they understand...so they can't love. I'm through with loving because I am "supposed to."

I've never blamed a single person on this planet for anything (other than Scott Norwood). It truly is what it is. I've accepted this totally and completely. I'm the lettuce and when I look into reasons that have led me into not doing well, not growing, I know what they are. They are painfully obvious, yet, I took that fertilizer, a fertilizer that I knew was doing more damage than good, and I kept using it, thinking eventually it would work (magic!!!).

I've done fucking awesome since all this has gone down (maybe the best two days of mindfulness I've had since coming home). I've hopped out of bed (at a time when most of you are closer to dinner than you are to breakfast) and I've mindfully affected the quality of my day. I have taken a walk when I wake up both days this week...I raked the balls out of the front yard, and then I raked the old lady next door's lawn yesterday. Today I did a walking meditation through the neighborhood once I got up ("Every path, every street in the world is your walking meditation path" -- Thich Nhat Hanh). I just take it in RIGHT THERE.

It saddens me that these profound moments motivate me or act as a catalyst. I wish I could do this on my own, find it inside of myself to be my own motivator. But I think that these are the little battles I need to keep winning in order to eventually, naturally, be my own motivator. The only thing I am battling right now is the depression. It's not one big fight, it's a million little battles. I see those around me who understand, or at the very least show that they CAN understand. Those are the people I want near me.

Kid

My man Amos:

I quit

Done

Heart-Breaking

When will people see that this isn't a joke -- it's not something you get over, like a cold, or the flu???

This shattered my heart this morning:

German goalkeeper who suffered with depression for years committs suicide

"Depression took its toll on 'keeper" - Enke's widow

Germany goalkeeper Robert Enke, who committed suicide on Tuesday, had been battling depression and was first treated for the illness in 2003.

His widow Teresa said he feared their adopted daughter Leila would be removed if his illness became public knowledge.

He had also struggled to overcome the death of their biological daughter Lara, who died at the age of two in 2006 of a rare heart condition.

Germany have called off their friendly with Chile in Cologne on Saturday.

Enke, 32, who had played for clubs in Germany, Spain, Portugal and Turkey before settling at Hannover 96 in 2004, walked into the path of a train near his home having left a suicide letter in which he apologised for hiding the condition of his mental state.

Teresa Enke said: "I tried to be there for him, said that football is not everything. There are many beautiful things in life. It is not hopeless. We had Lara, we have Leila.

"I always wanted to help him to get through it. He didn't want it to come out because of fear. He was scared of losing Leila.

"It is the fear of what people will think when you have a child and the father suffers from depression. I always said to him that that is not a problem."

The couple had adopted eight-month-old Leila in May, and Teresa said her husband had cared for the girl "with love - until the end."

She continued: "When he was acutely depressed, then that was a tough time. That is clear because he thought there was no hope of a recovery on the horizon for him.
"After Lara's death everything drew us closer together, we thought that we would achieve everything. I tried to tell him that there is always a solution.

"I drove to training with him. I wanted to help him to get through it. He didn't want to accept help any more. Football was everything. It was his life. The team gave him security."

Enke was hit by a train travelling at 100mph as it passed through a level crossing on its route between Hamburg and Bremen.

His wife Teresa, making a courageous appearance in front of the media, said the couple had tried to overcome years of depression through therapy.
Dressed in black and struggling to hold back tears, she said: "We thought we could do everything and we could do it with love but you can't always do it."

German Chancellor Angela Merkel contacted Enke's family.

"She communicated her shock and compassion to the widow of Robert Enke in a very personal letter," said government spokesman Christoph Steegmans.

Enke had won eight international caps and was expected by many to be the choice to play as goalkeeper for Germany in the the World Cup in South Africa in 2010.

His doctor said he had been treating Enke since 2003, during a turbulent time when the goalkeeper had several unsuccessful transfers to clubs.

"He suffered from depression and fear of failure," Valentin Markser told reporters.

Markser said the player refused to be treated on the day of his suicide, saying he was feeling well.

Enke had lived in the shadow of more illustrious goalkeepers Oliver Kahn and Jens Lehmann for almost a decade - and it was only after the latter's international retirement last year that he emerged as a leading contender for the position, despite earning his first squad call-up in 1999.

One of the two Spanish clubs he had represented, Barcelona, held a minute's silence before dedicating their King's Cup victory over Cultural Leonesa to Enke on Tuesday.

The other, Tenerife, said their players would wear black armbands in their La Liga match at the weekend. All teams in the top two tiers of Germany's Bundesliga will observe a minute's silence and wear black armbands in their next round of matches on 21-22 November.

Hundreds of fans gathered outside the Hanover stadium and offices on Wednesday, leaving flowers and lighting candles in Enke's memory.

"We loved him. He was our idol," one fan said. "We will never have someone like him. Not only for us but for the history of football this is a great tragedy."

Fin

It's funny...when this all started, I knew where the stigma would come from. I knew the people who'd joke about everything that's happened like a fucking high school kid making fun of the retarded kid in school. It ended up being true. I also knew the folks who'd take on my depression as if it was their own. I think it's called displacement theory. Yep, that happened.

I had blind faith in some people, but I also had faith that some people would be completely awful towards me, so I avoided them.

Sometimes you think of all of these things, yet, it doesn't go as planned. Our first inclination is to think negatively, and we're surprised. Sometimes, sadly, it goes exactly as you thought though....that's me.

My problem manifests itself in Buffalo because of other people. I'm NOT blaming anybody, but, these are triggers. Drop an alcoholic into a bar. Put somebody with lung cancer in a room full of smokers. Drop someone with zero self-esteem in a life where people constantly speak negatively to them and drop guilt on them -- not understanding that they have a life of their own now.

More and more I see that I need to be gone -- but please just put it in your head, think about what other people have to go through. I know when you're in your routine it's hard to see through other people's eyes. Imagine being in a place where you've lived for 26 years of the 30 years you spent on this earth....and having it not feel like home.

I thought I'd come back here and the love and peace I found in myself would be a shield. It's worked a little bit. There are parts of my life, triggers in Buffalo, that I've pushed as far away from me as I possibly could. But it's not enough. This is all fucked up. I can't cry every day. I can't have suicidal ideations and night terrors any more. One night I sat here and wanted to start a suicide note just to see what it would feel like, and what it would look like.

This is where it all starts up. This is the catalyst. The snowball is this big fucked up negative energy and discomfort in my own skin. It's rolling down the hill and getting bigger and picking up speed every day. This is getting worse. How is that possible? I feel so so devastated. I've given, and given and given without a single thank you. My family has given and given and given without a single thank you...and now I have nothing. My pride is non-existent. My self-worth is on the floor. I'm useless, and on the doorstep of Brylin again. I came here being told there would be people I could talk to if I needed to...they've magically evaporated -- but were they ever really there? Why should I stay? Why should I stay? I can't come up with one reason why.

K-K-K-K-Kerouac

I think of Dean Moriarty...and sometimes I hope he thinks of me.

There's a stirring in me that doesn't stop. It's funny to see how people react to my when I am in over-thinking mode. I get emotional, I cry, I think of suicide. Those are all things that I don't wish upon myself, but when the storm comes it's what happens.

It's not a psycho-babble book, or a technical, dry, boring read written by a psychiatrist. The most important book anybody could read to understand where I am at, and where a lot of people like me come from, is one of the greatest books of all time. I beg you to read On the Road by Jack Kerouac. I'll give you my copy. Download the audiobook, anything. It is it.

The rambling, manic impulses that Kerouac so brilliantly and beautifully illustrates are what make me me and what make depressives, and folks with bi-polar them. It's the timeless, vague and never-ending battle of looking for an identity -- a tale that goes back to the Bible. In this modern day what Keroac writes about is a lifestyle that isn't mainstream, and never really was. It's a very stigmatized way of thinking, much less a way of living.

But it's what stirs in me every minute of the day. I can't exist like this, stable, in a job, in a dull routine every day. It has clicked into place since everything happened in May of 2008. The chaos that goes with all of this...it's when I am most comfortable.

Recently, after going to Vergas with the boys, it hit me hard. The best day I had there was when I was alone, left to just do what I wanted to do -- and I had no plan. No itinerary. I just did.

How do I meet a middle? I know realistically that what I'm talking about isn't possible, short of being a vagrant.

Another, maybe a bit more mainstream example of what I mean is Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer. Not sure if it's a commonly known story, but Chris McCandless left it all behind. He was one of us. He was someone who felt deeper and hurt more than most. The world bothered him more than it bothers 99% of the world. He took the money he had saved, $24,000, and donated all of it. He was an idealist, and an introvert...but an introvert who, when needed, could flash the charm that drew people to him.

This is what I think about as I also contemplate how the first 15 minutes of the news tonight will be about a football game, while this country wages two wars under the threat of a potentially nuclear Iran (think Hitler, only Hitler with the power to nuke Israel in his hands). The resources that we spend on clothes, and cars, and iPods while people in other countries don't have running water and have a life expectancy of 45 years old. Countries where men rape women who have AIDS thinking that will cure them of AIDS (think of what this does to spread the growth of AIDS).

I'm not in a position financially to help this out, and that hurts me a lot. I do what I can. I donate monthly. I wear the "INAMTANM" shirt and explain what it means to people who ask. But it's like trying to put out a fire with a glass of water. There are amazing people over there trying to help as much as they can. I struggle with that. I'd love to go and help, but almost every opportunity is tied to Christian ministry -- and I'm not comfortable with that at all. Ministry seems to me to be so incredibly un-ethical, immoral and exploitative. These people have a desperate desire for basic human needs...it's not an opportunity for you to impose your beliefs on people who have nothing else to grasp onto. It just doesn't sit right with me. There has to be a way to help, and not push an agenda.