Attachment is something I'm pounding my head against the wall about, seemingly for the last couple of weeks. Why are bonds that have done more harm to you than anything in the world so sacred? It's an amazingly curious thing to keep getting burned by the fire because you feel drawn to it. We ALL do it. You feel obligated to be near it, even when you know the damage that will come. IT IS CALLED SELF-REALIZATION and/or SELF-ACTUALIZATION when you acknowledge this, IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU ARE BLAMING SOMEONE ELSE...Don't patronize me with your dime store psychology....This is where the second quote comes in, and it's much more profound, trust me...it's so profound, I'm going to block quote this bad boy:
"When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don't blame the lettuce. You look into the reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or our family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and arguments. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change." Thich Nhat Hanh
Now, what the hell ties this all together? There's a thread here somewhere.
The underlying problems I have aren't with Buffalo. I love the city. I think it's amazing. I'm not sure I've been to a city that has a cooler area than the Elmwood Village down to Albright-Knox and over to Delaware Park and the Zoo....So I really struggle when I say that I can't see staying here because it will stifle MY growth. I <3 Buffalo but MY growth is the most important thing in the world. Sadly, recent events have hammered home that it may not be in my best interests long-term to stay here -- and this is where good ol' Val Kilmer's quote from Heat comes in (I think????...good Lord is this convoluted).
I'm not running away from anything or anyone. There's no reason to hold on, or be attached to negative energies...it's not running away, it's just a natural drifting apart that happens when there is stagnation versus growth...The drifting needs to happen if I am to ever kick this thing...Fuck it, not only kick it, but be somebody who lives mindfully with grace and peace every day.
The fucked up thing is, the very people who scoff at the idea of negative energies, and call people, say, with an altar that has a Buddhist statue on it a "weird-o" are the ones who I am "supposed to" be attached to. Their narrow-mindedness should make the drifting apart LESS painless right?
As in the quote by Thich Nhat Hanh, if you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love. Well, right now I am on the opposite side of that -- I am surrounded by people who don't understand, and thus, don't show that they understand...so they can't love. I'm through with loving because I am "supposed to."
I've never blamed a single person on this planet for anything (other than Scott Norwood). It truly is what it is. I've accepted this totally and completely. I'm the lettuce and when I look into reasons that have led me into not doing well, not growing, I know what they are. They are painfully obvious, yet, I took that fertilizer, a fertilizer that I knew was doing more damage than good, and I kept using it, thinking eventually it would work (magic!!!).
I've done fucking awesome since all this has gone down (maybe the best two days of mindfulness I've had since coming home). I've hopped out of bed (at a time when most of you are closer to dinner than you are to breakfast) and I've mindfully affected the quality of my day. I have taken a walk when I wake up both days this week...I raked the balls out of the front yard, and then I raked the old lady next door's lawn yesterday. Today I did a walking meditation through the neighborhood once I got up ("Every path, every street in the world is your walking meditation path" -- Thich Nhat Hanh). I just take it in RIGHT THERE.
It saddens me that these profound moments motivate me or act as a catalyst. I wish I could do this on my own, find it inside of myself to be my own motivator. But I think that these are the little battles I need to keep winning in order to eventually, naturally, be my own motivator. The only thing I am battling right now is the depression. It's not one big fight, it's a million little battles. I see those around me who understand, or at the very least show that they CAN understand. Those are the people I want near me.
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