Tuesday, December 29, 2009
More Amos
I could post this every damn day...this is what my previous post says, much more eloquently...especially from 1:30 into the clip on to the end.
Every Day
Even when I was golden and riding high last week, I had bad moments. I can look back and see how it was a false positive. A lot was going well for me. I was getting actual positive reinforcement from people (one person I have to pay to talk to, and the other person *SHOCK* doesn't live in the area) and yeah, I probably also fed into the general good mood that goes with the Christmas season. I didn't bite on the commercialism of it all for the first time in my life, and I am really proud of that. It almost made me feel numb to "Christ"mas, but, it's better than letting the frustration of the greed that devours folks this time of year affect me.
Those bad moments, when the mind races, when the dark, irrational thoughts come in are the times that are really hard to make other people understand. It shatters me to have this indescribable pain that can't be seen by others. And on top of it, a lot of time when you talk about it you're only making the pain worse. People put up such false facades when I talk about it. You don't even want to know how many people I've gone in-depth with that I don't even talk to any more. The turnaround isn't that long either -- a couple weeks at best. Does it scare them because they see my fears inside themselves, or do they think I'm fucked up? Regardless, I am so tired of reaching out and finding nobody making the same effort and reaching for me. There is one person on the Earth who I know gets it, and who I know genuinely cares in their soul. And I left that. Talking to that person and being around that person is the only time in my life when I feel the grace of unconditional love.
I envision what it would be like to not have a tomorrow a lot. And I feel nothing. It doesn't make me sad or horrified. It doesn't scare me to think of darkness, or loved ones being hurt by my exit. See, in the mind of the depressive, we can't grasp that people genuinely care enough about us that anyone would REALLY care. Read that again please, and let it sink in. Try to step outside of your head and grasp how profoundly hopeless that has to feel -- irrational as it may be -- that's the how we think and feel. The thought of living in pain every day for another 40 years scares me so much more than not having a tomorrow.
Why sit through 40 years of pain, and hurt, and self-hatred? It's been long enough that those things should be gone, but they persist every day, and I've worked hard as hell to get over that hump. They're less frequent, but more intense - what is that??????
I keep finding that my initial instinct to like people when I meet them is far from a positive attribute...I only set myself up to get burned. More and more I see that nobody really cares about their friends and acquaintances on a real human level. For real, "how's work? how are the kids?" Nobody CARES. Everything is an act. I do nice things for people, like I go over and above, and I hear people's surprised reaction and it makes me profoundly sad. How -- Why live in a world where people jump and judge you when you do bad AND when you do good?
I was gone for a year and saw people I care about more in the six weeks being home during that time than I have seen them in the 15 weeks since I've been "home." That says everything right there. People feel obligated to come see you so they can show you their insincerity when you're living out of town -- but their insincerity is just a secret understanding that you have when you know you don't have to make an effort to see someone. "Tell ya what, you live ten minutes away now, so really, it's not as special to see you anymore...let's just save the hour or two of pretense, OK?"
It's too much work to maintain (or God forbid grow) a friendship or a relationship, so it's just easier to do your own stale shit and never expand your mind apparently. Do you know how many times I've heard people complain about their lives since I've been home? It's atrocious, only because the same people have been doing the same thing, expecting different results. When that doesn't happen they rant and rave. People are perceptive enough to acknowledge the things about themselves that make them unhappy -- but they don't have the will to go ahead and change those things. I should talk right? At the very least I've taken the leap and gotten out. I followed that pull that was always in me to leave Buffalo, but I came back...I came back for everybody but me. I came back because I saw the insincere love that I was getting while I was away and thought it was genuine.
Those bad moments, when the mind races, when the dark, irrational thoughts come in are the times that are really hard to make other people understand. It shatters me to have this indescribable pain that can't be seen by others. And on top of it, a lot of time when you talk about it you're only making the pain worse. People put up such false facades when I talk about it. You don't even want to know how many people I've gone in-depth with that I don't even talk to any more. The turnaround isn't that long either -- a couple weeks at best. Does it scare them because they see my fears inside themselves, or do they think I'm fucked up? Regardless, I am so tired of reaching out and finding nobody making the same effort and reaching for me. There is one person on the Earth who I know gets it, and who I know genuinely cares in their soul. And I left that. Talking to that person and being around that person is the only time in my life when I feel the grace of unconditional love.
I envision what it would be like to not have a tomorrow a lot. And I feel nothing. It doesn't make me sad or horrified. It doesn't scare me to think of darkness, or loved ones being hurt by my exit. See, in the mind of the depressive, we can't grasp that people genuinely care enough about us that anyone would REALLY care. Read that again please, and let it sink in. Try to step outside of your head and grasp how profoundly hopeless that has to feel -- irrational as it may be -- that's the how we think and feel. The thought of living in pain every day for another 40 years scares me so much more than not having a tomorrow.
Why sit through 40 years of pain, and hurt, and self-hatred? It's been long enough that those things should be gone, but they persist every day, and I've worked hard as hell to get over that hump. They're less frequent, but more intense - what is that??????
I keep finding that my initial instinct to like people when I meet them is far from a positive attribute...I only set myself up to get burned. More and more I see that nobody really cares about their friends and acquaintances on a real human level. For real, "how's work? how are the kids?" Nobody CARES. Everything is an act. I do nice things for people, like I go over and above, and I hear people's surprised reaction and it makes me profoundly sad. How -- Why live in a world where people jump and judge you when you do bad AND when you do good?
I was gone for a year and saw people I care about more in the six weeks being home during that time than I have seen them in the 15 weeks since I've been "home." That says everything right there. People feel obligated to come see you so they can show you their insincerity when you're living out of town -- but their insincerity is just a secret understanding that you have when you know you don't have to make an effort to see someone. "Tell ya what, you live ten minutes away now, so really, it's not as special to see you anymore...let's just save the hour or two of pretense, OK?"
It's too much work to maintain (or God forbid grow) a friendship or a relationship, so it's just easier to do your own stale shit and never expand your mind apparently. Do you know how many times I've heard people complain about their lives since I've been home? It's atrocious, only because the same people have been doing the same thing, expecting different results. When that doesn't happen they rant and rave. People are perceptive enough to acknowledge the things about themselves that make them unhappy -- but they don't have the will to go ahead and change those things. I should talk right? At the very least I've taken the leap and gotten out. I followed that pull that was always in me to leave Buffalo, but I came back...I came back for everybody but me. I came back because I saw the insincere love that I was getting while I was away and thought it was genuine.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Well, it lasted a week
I was riding high for a week, and amazingly it's crashed to an all-time low just as quickly. The absolute lack of a support system that I have here is staggeringm especially on days like this. Not only is there not a support system, it's the fucking farthest thing from it. I've said it before, but being home is like throwing an alcoholic into a bar with a pocket full of money.
It's why I escape. It's why I travel all the time -- even though some cowards anonymously call me a piece of shit for doing so. In the end, my desire to not ever be stagnant here in the 716 says it all, I just don't ever listen to it. It's fucked, because in a lot of facets of my recovery, relapse, recovery cycle, I feel like I've made incredible strides personally and cut the relapses to almost, ALMOST, non-existent.
I still have a monumentally large problem with giving the power to others. It is not a self-esteem thing or anything like that. I love myself, and feel better about myself right now than I ever have. I think I'm a great person, I treat people with respect and love. The problem is that I naively expect it in return.
The perfect example I guess would be this -- when I meet someone new, anyone, I like 'em. Anybody. Not a single judgmental thought passes through my head. Even in life right now, I'm trying to repair the burnt bridges that are worth repairing. I am just having a hard time walking away from lost causes...Regardless, I love pepole, and I have a really tough time when it comes to seeing other people struggle, and other people who have no empathy for those who struggle.
Again, cliches, but "walk a mile in someone else's shoes." Nobody can begin to imagine the pain I am in and the pain I experience on a daily basis, much like the way they can't understand how it is for those who don't have anything. It's people who tell a homeless person to get a job, or people who don't think everyone in this country is entitled to health care. It's people who say suicide is selfish and cowardly. They don't get it, and it's really hard for me to accept that people like that not only exist, but, people like that usually flourish. It's an asset to be as selfish and greedy as you can be in this culture. That shit doesn't work for me. I can't be around people who don't know what it's like to feel compassion outside of themselves and their own bubble.
I could die tomorrow and not give a fuck. And it's Christmas. I know people would be hurt, but how can I walk through this life on a daily basis feeling like I don't fit?
It's why I escape. It's why I travel all the time -- even though some cowards anonymously call me a piece of shit for doing so. In the end, my desire to not ever be stagnant here in the 716 says it all, I just don't ever listen to it. It's fucked, because in a lot of facets of my recovery, relapse, recovery cycle, I feel like I've made incredible strides personally and cut the relapses to almost, ALMOST, non-existent.
I still have a monumentally large problem with giving the power to others. It is not a self-esteem thing or anything like that. I love myself, and feel better about myself right now than I ever have. I think I'm a great person, I treat people with respect and love. The problem is that I naively expect it in return.
The perfect example I guess would be this -- when I meet someone new, anyone, I like 'em. Anybody. Not a single judgmental thought passes through my head. Even in life right now, I'm trying to repair the burnt bridges that are worth repairing. I am just having a hard time walking away from lost causes...Regardless, I love pepole, and I have a really tough time when it comes to seeing other people struggle, and other people who have no empathy for those who struggle.
Again, cliches, but "walk a mile in someone else's shoes." Nobody can begin to imagine the pain I am in and the pain I experience on a daily basis, much like the way they can't understand how it is for those who don't have anything. It's people who tell a homeless person to get a job, or people who don't think everyone in this country is entitled to health care. It's people who say suicide is selfish and cowardly. They don't get it, and it's really hard for me to accept that people like that not only exist, but, people like that usually flourish. It's an asset to be as selfish and greedy as you can be in this culture. That shit doesn't work for me. I can't be around people who don't know what it's like to feel compassion outside of themselves and their own bubble.
I could die tomorrow and not give a fuck. And it's Christmas. I know people would be hurt, but how can I walk through this life on a daily basis feeling like I don't fit?
Monday, December 21, 2009
Corny Cliche Time
This quote has been attributed to a ton of different people, so whatever:
"The very definition of insanity is doing the same exact thing over and over and expecting a different result."
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Cleveland
When you're used to Filet Mignon, it's kinda hard to go back to Hamburger Helper.
C-Town all dolled up for Christmas -- looked pretty great
What up 13th row, 45-yard line seats -- BTW, Brady Quinn is for real
My man and yours, L.T after passing Jim Brown on the all-time touchdown list
THHHIIIISSSSSSSSS close to getting Brady's autograph!!!
The motto of the city of Cleveland "we build great stadiums so shitty teams at least have a nice place to call home."
C-Town all dolled up for Christmas -- looked pretty great
What up 13th row, 45-yard line seats -- BTW, Brady Quinn is for real
My man and yours, L.T after passing Jim Brown on the all-time touchdown list
THHHIIIISSSSSSSSS close to getting Brady's autograph!!!
The motto of the city of Cleveland "we build great stadiums so shitty teams at least have a nice place to call home."
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