Well, it lasted a week

I was riding high for a week, and amazingly it's crashed to an all-time low just as quickly. The absolute lack of a support system that I have here is staggeringm especially on days like this. Not only is there not a support system, it's the fucking farthest thing from it. I've said it before, but being home is like throwing an alcoholic into a bar with a pocket full of money.

It's why I escape. It's why I travel all the time -- even though some cowards anonymously call me a piece of shit for doing so. In the end, my desire to not ever be stagnant here in the 716 says it all, I just don't ever listen to it. It's fucked, because in a lot of facets of my recovery, relapse, recovery cycle, I feel like I've made incredible strides personally and cut the relapses to almost, ALMOST, non-existent.

I still have a monumentally large problem with giving the power to others. It is not a self-esteem thing or anything like that. I love myself, and feel better about myself right now than I ever have. I think I'm a great person, I treat people with respect and love. The problem is that I naively expect it in return.

The perfect example I guess would be this -- when I meet someone new, anyone, I like 'em. Anybody. Not a single judgmental thought passes through my head. Even in life right now, I'm trying to repair the burnt bridges that are worth repairing. I am just having a hard time walking away from lost causes...Regardless, I love pepole, and I have a really tough time when it comes to seeing other people struggle, and other people who have no empathy for those who struggle.

Again, cliches, but "walk a mile in someone else's shoes." Nobody can begin to imagine the pain I am in and the pain I experience on a daily basis, much like the way they can't understand how it is for those who don't have anything. It's people who tell a homeless person to get a job, or people who don't think everyone in this country is entitled to health care. It's people who say suicide is selfish and cowardly. They don't get it, and it's really hard for me to accept that people like that not only exist, but, people like that usually flourish. It's an asset to be as selfish and greedy as you can be in this culture. That shit doesn't work for me. I can't be around people who don't know what it's like to feel compassion outside of themselves and their own bubble.

I could die tomorrow and not give a fuck. And it's Christmas. I know people would be hurt, but how can I walk through this life on a daily basis feeling like I don't fit?