Marinate

From The Power of Now:

"Only a surrendered person has spiritual power. Through surrender, you will be free internally of the situation. You may then find that the situation changes without any effort on your part. In any case, you are free."

If anyone close to me really knows the source of so much of my angst, especially my non-job related angst in Buffalo, well, this passage from the book, to borrow from the ever-so-enlightened Flavor Flav, "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW."

Fuck negativity.

Hint, Hint:

The Holland Where You Can't Smoke Weed...

...Well you probably COULD, but yeah. It's illegal. Ralph continued his tour today in Holland, Michigan where Russell Edward lives. We went to see his lacrosse hangs, ate at the brewery, which is REALLLY fun when you are on prescription drugs that strictly prohibit alcohol intake. I had some coffee, some Klonopin and many, many laughs, but no beer!!!! It's been since whatever the Saturday after the Super Bowl was since I have had a beer. With the scripts indefinite, who knows if I will ever have another. I am making a lot of progress with the self-therapy and self-discovery. I am journalling a lot, reading a ton in "The Power of Now" (more like studying it), and thinking. My Dad has been good for just bouncing ideas off of when something does strike me in the text, but I am on my own with this, but already in two days I feel better and I feel, GASP, a twinge of enlightenment.

This was my journalling song, today at least.

The Ro-ad

Many of you don't know the backstory of the famous Ralph. We all know my brother is a huge pussy. Well, 20 years ago we were here in Kalamazoo at Mervyn's (kind of like Kohl's). Russ wanted this stuffed white dog. I can't even remember the things name, but, little Russ got his stuffed animal and I was too cool for the room. I wanted no part of a stuffed animal, I'm in fifth grade man, what kind of action am I getting if girls know I like stuffed animals?? (If you've seen my pics from fifth grade you'll know stuffed animals were the least of my concerns with the opposite sex). I wasn't letting on that the big brown eyes of one of the stuffed gorillas was stuck in my head, We came home and I couldn't stop thinking about that stuffed gorilla at Mervyn's. Freud would probably link this to my love of black women if he were still alive....ANYWAYS, Mom took me back to Mervyn's and I got my gorilla. His name is Ralph, he's been my inatimate BFF for 20 years, has slept with more girls than I have, and he's probably seen more of the world than a lot of you guys have. I took these pics on the road today because I know Kristin misses Ralph, but also because the drive to Kalamazoo is as exciting as testical surgery.

Live for NOW,

Kev

Before I Go

Just wanted to post this. David Gray has a song that pretty nearly word-for-word sums up where I'm at in my life. Gathering Dust...

Treatment

Part of my treatment and part of how I am going to change my life is I am going to write more. When I was at my happiest, college, I wrote a shitload. Exercise, meds, and writing is what's not only going to make me better, but it's going to improve me past the point where I was when I started being depressed.

I have low self-esteem. The low self-esteem is the kick start to my depression. I don't know how to deal with, or get over low self-esteem. I think I have the tools to get through the depression, and even make myself a stronger, better person from it all, but the low self-esteem has been hammered into me since my parents were divorced, and I don't know how to dig out of that hole.

This is harder than I can really let any of you know. I don't like myself right now. I cry because of it. I drive around and bash the shit out of myself mentally if I do something dumb, or say something stupid socially.

I'm going to keep this blog tight...If you're starting to follow this, you need to listen to the namesake song of this blog..."Keep it Loose, Keep it Tight" by Amos Lee. Actually, listen to every Amos Lee song ever recorded. He needs to be bigger, he's unbelievably talented as a song-writer, and you'll hear his voice...he's incredible.

I leave for Michigan tomorrow to just find whatever is missing. I don't know if that makes sense to a lot of people, but at 28, I feel incredibly incomplete, despite being engaged and seemingly happy from the outside. It might continue, alone, after that until I find myself...Something isn't whole with me. I just feel like you guys need to know what's going on, and I will from here on out try as hard as I can to write every day.

It's May 28, 2008, I am 6'0", 232 pounds. I will be under or at 210 by my birthday, 9/11.

I'll talk to you from either Kalamazoo, or Toledo. Peace...Keep it loose, keep it tight.

My Plight

I am sure you'd love to know what I am going through, but that's the bitch about depression. You can't see my pain, I don't have a cast on my leg, or a patch, or a burn or a scar. My pain is all in my head, all of it is just a tornado in my brain.

I constantly, and I mean CONSTANTLY, think in my head about a better life. I want "so and so's" life, or how come nobody is giving me a job, or why can't I just be fucking happy? I think about making Kristin happy, or my inability to in the future, I think about suicide (a lot), and I think that "yeah, it would suck for my loved ones to not have me around, but, they'd get over it soon enough, and eventually be better off."

I don't know what precipitated this to make it THIS bad. I started a job, lost it, went back to TK's. Same scenario has happened before right? Well, why this time is my pain so deep?

I hate myself, I have zero self-confidence and zero self-worth. I do prefer to die, but I won't kill myself. I just want you guys to hear from me what the problem is and what I am going through. You wouldn't know it by looking at me, or even talking to me, because I am fronting, I am putting up a facade when I am around others, but this is deep, and it hurts. I'd trade this for a broken leg any day of the week.