Treatment

Part of my treatment and part of how I am going to change my life is I am going to write more. When I was at my happiest, college, I wrote a shitload. Exercise, meds, and writing is what's not only going to make me better, but it's going to improve me past the point where I was when I started being depressed.

I have low self-esteem. The low self-esteem is the kick start to my depression. I don't know how to deal with, or get over low self-esteem. I think I have the tools to get through the depression, and even make myself a stronger, better person from it all, but the low self-esteem has been hammered into me since my parents were divorced, and I don't know how to dig out of that hole.

This is harder than I can really let any of you know. I don't like myself right now. I cry because of it. I drive around and bash the shit out of myself mentally if I do something dumb, or say something stupid socially.

I'm going to keep this blog tight...If you're starting to follow this, you need to listen to the namesake song of this blog..."Keep it Loose, Keep it Tight" by Amos Lee. Actually, listen to every Amos Lee song ever recorded. He needs to be bigger, he's unbelievably talented as a song-writer, and you'll hear his voice...he's incredible.

I leave for Michigan tomorrow to just find whatever is missing. I don't know if that makes sense to a lot of people, but at 28, I feel incredibly incomplete, despite being engaged and seemingly happy from the outside. It might continue, alone, after that until I find myself...Something isn't whole with me. I just feel like you guys need to know what's going on, and I will from here on out try as hard as I can to write every day.

It's May 28, 2008, I am 6'0", 232 pounds. I will be under or at 210 by my birthday, 9/11.

I'll talk to you from either Kalamazoo, or Toledo. Peace...Keep it loose, keep it tight.