My Plight

I am sure you'd love to know what I am going through, but that's the bitch about depression. You can't see my pain, I don't have a cast on my leg, or a patch, or a burn or a scar. My pain is all in my head, all of it is just a tornado in my brain.

I constantly, and I mean CONSTANTLY, think in my head about a better life. I want "so and so's" life, or how come nobody is giving me a job, or why can't I just be fucking happy? I think about making Kristin happy, or my inability to in the future, I think about suicide (a lot), and I think that "yeah, it would suck for my loved ones to not have me around, but, they'd get over it soon enough, and eventually be better off."

I don't know what precipitated this to make it THIS bad. I started a job, lost it, went back to TK's. Same scenario has happened before right? Well, why this time is my pain so deep?

I hate myself, I have zero self-confidence and zero self-worth. I do prefer to die, but I won't kill myself. I just want you guys to hear from me what the problem is and what I am going through. You wouldn't know it by looking at me, or even talking to me, because I am fronting, I am putting up a facade when I am around others, but this is deep, and it hurts. I'd trade this for a broken leg any day of the week.