The most amazing thing about today's return to waking up and crying for two hours? The last two days have been good days if I had to classify them (Trent Edwards!!!!). I am sure with the days being weekend days, it helped a lot, but at the same time, I'm not working (in more ways than one!), so what the hell is the difference between weekends and weekdays,,,it all blends into one. The only obvious difference being the lack of NFL and College Football.
Is that really enough to make me good? Someone needs to get in touch with the NFL to change to more of an NBA schedule so those who are too severely depressed to even work a shit job don't feel so worthless.
That's what it is. The constant thought and image is that I see everyone I know, in my head, working right now....They don't work on the weekends, so in turn that is one thing that isn't feeding my sick head. It puts me at ease a little bit.
Depression comes with worthlessness like all cars come with steering wheels, On top of that, I am an over-thinker, so as my mind spins out of control, I think about everything, and it sinks me deeper. It worsens my worthlessness, and in turn, obliterates any sense of hope or self-esteem I have held.
Deeply, like profoundly, the over-thinking is positive sometimes, but that mother fucking "yeah but" creeps in and smashes the progress I think I am making in changing my thought patterns. Like today, I was crying, and that routine is curling up, bawling, and listening to my iPod. By now I forget what song it was, but it made me smile because I stopped and compartmentalized my thinking into one of the best moments of my life, and it was great. For s few seconds.
Amos Lee is my choice when I am iPodding and crying. His song "Better Days" drew tears out of me at the concert, and it still does. It came on this morning and while I cried, I had amazing, vivid memories of the past. And as much as I hurt right now, as much as I want to punch someone in the face when they say "just snap out of it.....stop thinking so much," I started to meditate on positive memories, and that's the answer.....Like he says in the lyric, "when the lights go out, all that I can think about is how we've seen better days."
The song goes on to his inner-battle, and if it's not a song about depression then I love Ohio State. Listen to it on that link, the last verse when he sings "well, I'm trying not to be suspicious of those I'm suspicious of; I'm trying to crack open this angry heart and find a little love; instead of worry, worry, worry."
That's where I am at right now. I resent myself for feeding into a lot of the negativity and judgment of those who surround me in Buffalo...The truth of it is that a lot of it is perceived and blown out of proportion in my ill brain.
Even with the only person in my life right now who really matters, I think of what a bastard I have been to her through the depression, because it truly makes you someone you are not, and I feel sick to my stomach. I can't eat because of it....It's all that's in my head. "I'm trying to crack open this angry heart and find a little love." That could not be more true, I could not have jammed those words together any more suitably to state my mindset.
How the fuck do you do that? "Just do it" some people will say, even more, some will say "what a fag" because my emotions are ruining me right now, and *gasp* I'm talking about it! If I've grown away from you in the past 5 months, then you're probably one of those people...figure it out, and stop battling each other. We're 29 fucking years old. We all have our problems, some more severe than others (see: my stay at Brylin), but the judgment, and to replace a word that just isn't coming to me right now, stop the dickery. P. Diddy says, stop the Bitch-ass-edness.....Never will I borrow from him again, ever (because killing 2pac is bitchassed)...but seriously...What good is faking a date on MySpace with someone else's ex-girlfriend doing? Just leave shit alone...if the person and you are growing apart, let it happen, don't exacerbate it with bitchassedness.
I've grown close to people emotionally (Team Kev!, Iz, Grizz and D) in the past 5 months that I was never THAT close to because in a time of extreme need, they are an ear, but also because they listen and communicate back without judgment or pre-tense...with an open heart and open-mind. They may not get what I am going through but they know, just by making an attempt and looking in my eyes as I pour my soul, that it's not something I can just "snap out" of...I can't "just do it."
It's like if someone was a total maniacal control freak in relationships. He or she can't just "snap out of it." It takes work, OR, it stays the same and you stay lonely forever. There is no magic wand that solves emotional and personality issues.
I've been told I don't like anybody, I hate everything. Granted this is by people who are more fucking cynical and negative than anyone I know in this world...But you know, a.) it's not true, b;) you travel to New York with someone you used to make fun of us for hanging out with, and c.) you unabashedly hate the NBA.....but that's OK right? You can gloss other people as hating everything, while you just judge the fuck out of everything and everyone.
It's SUCH AMAZING BULLSHIT too. See me in action back when I was healthy. Working with kids from the inner-city, and bonding with them and their parents to where they and I were in tears at times when I was having a depresed day...That sounds like a hateful person right? I jokingly hate Ohio State, I don't even, it's just sports hyperbole....I went to Columbus and LOVED their campus, kind of envied their athletic facilities. It was really nice in C-Bus. I do not state my opinion as fact, such as "the NBA is garbage." It's not, but, a logical debate cannot be had about it,,,and I'm fucking sick of it,
Carmelo Anthony is labelled a thug with the N-word thrown around about him because he threw ONE PUNCH. The NHL guys who get in fights are diefied in hockey communities....Rob Ray is a God in Buffalo for fighting...Carmelo threw ONE PUNCH, and proceeded to put his heart and soul into playing for your country, winning gold in the face of people who want to kill us for being American. Yet again though, the Olympic basketball tournament was garbage too right? Nobody cared, except for the over 500 million people who watched it.
Friends don't joke about their friends who have suicidal depression, and the soothe it over with an insincere apology. Friends don't tell their friends they're hateful when it's patently un-true. I've been called a nigger lover by people as ignorant as you, and I am fucking sick of it. It's what drove me out of there...and it's my fault, I have to rise above it and not let it bother me as deeply as it does. It's not your fault, It's who you are, but the natural pushing-away from you that I feel is there for a reason. Some people are stuck, and it's OK. They tear down other people to cover up their shortcomings or low self-esteem...It's Psychology 101.
No comments:
Post a Comment