Kindergarten Philosophy

That word -- PHILOSOPHY -- has such odd, and varied connotations. You think of Aristotle and Socrates, to Freud's philosophies, down to good old baseball, and different pitching coaches having different pitching "philosophies." I think I have a sneaker "philosophy" -- green and gold track shoes look really cool, but they serve no functional purpose, unless you are in fact on the track team at a school whose colors are green and gold. NOT PRACTICAL OTHERWISE.

<---- yep, worn 'em once

To a lot of folks, philosophy is a heady word, tied to arrogance, or the literati. To many, philosophy is an ancient study of "what's the secret of life?" and is archaic, pointless thinking. It can be very profound and heady, getting into scientific philosophy, string theory, alternate universes, the concept that there has always been someTHING...

It can also be so simple, and fun, and easily applied to your life if you just practice -- yeah, that's right "we're talking about practice." For me it's simple lines that I have up around my living space. "Be a light unto yourself," "You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf," or "Affecting the quality of the day is the highest of the arts." Non-philosophically, if I find myself judging, or just in a shitty mood, having a shitty day, I sit and focus on my breathing for a little bit. It works, and it's easy. It's like a chance to sit alone for three minutes, close your eyes, breathe and wake up to a day that is nothing like the one you were having before you closed your eyes.

I read something today in Martha Beck's Finding Your Own North Star, that, like an old professor always told me that I did in my papers, brought it all back down to earth (as Dr. Harrington pointed her palms towards the ground and brought them down together...ya know, the old, alright, slow it down, bring it down a little sign). My papers never got t0o scholarly, I always tried to apply Proust or Flaubert to modern situations...the hard part was finding scholarly material when my papers always ran along something like "Madame Bovery in 20th Century America." ANYWAYS, yeah, Martha Beck (channeling Dr. Harrington) "brings it down to here."

The hang-up with me coming home (the 716) and getting through this all in general (suicidal depression and self-hatred -- good times) has remained "other people." It just is my Waterloo, as much as I don't want it to be...and I kind of found such a simple answer to that in Mrs. Beck's words (the book needs to be read by any literate person on the planet btw) she says:

You never hear about truly self-actualized people, like Buddha or Christ, telling other people they're stupid losers. It goes against the nature of enlightenment. On the contrary, people who exemplify truth are always turning up in the lives of "stupid losers" and telling them that they're priceless and beloved, that their essential nature is literally divine and that they are destined to joy and fulfillment.

It's so true, and even without the book, I have grown into loving people who I feel incredibly at ease with, and flushed out people who are so attached to their negative pain bodies...but this shines it in such a common sense light. I have had so many people who I love, probably anyone who is reading this, step up and say such amazing things to me in the past year, and my inner response is ("yeah, OK...if you only knew what a piece of shit I am" or the lovely "you don't even mean that.")

I am the "stupid loser" (as Beck uses it, I don't think I am a stupid loser -- anymore), and you guys have been the exemplifiers of truth and love, popping up and telling me I am loved...but through the fog of depression, I never saw or appreciated it. Well, I am slowly rubbing my eyes and seeing it so much clearer now. I love you all for saying any of those things to me, they do mean so much, though I am terrible at accepting your love and belief in me -- but I'll get there....soon I hope.

It's great too, because I love writing in books, and highlighting (so does Jennifer Love Hewitt by the way -- just in case you were wondering) -- so how good is a book that actually questions you and makes you take quizzes and self-inventories? It's like Mr. Riccardi asking us to take out our workbooks in seventh grade.

The lists are amazing little tools to kind of circle around your core, and make you look in at yourself doing an "aha!" moment when you say "ohhhhhhh, I see what you're doing here lady!" It's put a lot of what has happened in the past into a much more understanding context, and helped me re-think some things and judgments I have made about some people who are very, very close to me. And -- I get to use my pen on the inside of a book -- soooo naughty.

I don't love everybody, even if other people want me to. I'll end with this from her:

That feeling of choked hostility, or numb depression, or nauseated helplessness is a sure sign you're steering away from your North Star, toward a life you were not meant to live. When you feel it, you must change course. You must say to the people around you what your essential self is saying inside: "Nope. Not going there. Not doing that. Sorry, but the answer is no."Or I guess

I could just continue to say yes, and let them beat me down so I can ebb and flow through depression for the rest of my life.......HMMMMM, that's a really tough decision....