My Worry

Relapse.

It happens to a lot. Just over the majority of people who have had a depressive episode in their lives will have another. And while it's a lot like when someone gets a DWI or arrested for say, umm, throwing an ashtray, where they (I) behave(d) for a while, but eventually fell into their (my) normal routines again...That's where I am at. It has nothing to do with Buffalo. It has everything to do with me. I can work hard at it every day, but, it's absolutely beyond my control. That's a really weird place to be. I think of The Benjy Davis Project song "The Rain" here, when I think about how you can try to have all the control in the world, but in the end none of us really have any....

The cognition that it could happen despite my best work does oddly help a lot though. Like recalling the scenes of the depression, I will do whatever it takes, anything that is within my control, to reign things in so what happened never happens again. It's like, again, my experience getting arrested. It scared the crap out of me. Wake up in a jail cell...not fun. Since then, 2003, I can count on one hand how many times I have been drunk at a bar, because in the end, the risk of having what happened happen again, waking up at the Erie County Holding Center, isn't worth it.

That's what makes the sacrifice down here worth it all in the end. It's the hardest thing imaginable to say good-bye repeatedly, for months on end, to people I love. I know to most people on the outside looking in, working on me seems like this convenient excuse to be lazy and have a six month vacation. Yeah, it's not. It's lonely down here for me, but the loneliness has afforded me such a phenomenal chance to get things right from afar. It feels like a really, really long (and sunny and hot) study hall for me, and as long as I keep in mind the work, the "study" part of it, then I'll be fine.

A lot of the fun things I have done, like the ridiculous past week of two Amos Lee concerts, the Magic/Celtics game, Cocoa Beach, etc...it's incredible, but, it is work, and a huge signifier of progress made for me. One of the first criteria they look for in diagnosing depression is loss of joy in things that usually bring you joy. If that lasts longer than two weeks, than you've taken a huge step in figuring out what's wrong with you....congratulations I guess?

Anyways, that was me. I sat at a Bisons game on a Thursday afternoon (and if you know anything about me, I love baseball, and Bisons games, more than anything). I was with my Dad and Kristin, and I cried the entire game. I sat in my seat with my arms crossed and my hat down over my eyes, speechless, with tears running down my face all nine innings. I could have been anywhere in the world right then and there, and it would not have mattered.

So, at the Magic game, and at the beach, and at the concerts, I was me again, only moreso. I had a phenomenal time, but also, I used a lot of what I have taken in through this process to further my experiences. Mindfulness goes a long way into bringing you back down, and calming you when things do get heavy. It's also an amazingly beautiful thing that, if you can practice and do well in, can make everything good in life just that much more enjoyable. Mindfulness really does escalate the joyful moments in your life.

You all do it too, and just don't know it. There are moments in every single one of you out there's days when mindfulness is fully engaged. Rolling to (or more likely, from) work just totally engaged in a song, rocking out on your steering wheel at 8:15 AM...you are there at that very moment. Let me not judge the music here -- if you're going hard to Toby Keith on your way into work, or fully lost in watching the Mets blow another lead....that's IT.

Where we need to get (yeah, I am taking on all of the world's ills right now) is to a point where most people on this planet can realize and appreciate those moments...and live in them a lot more frequently. When you have a person-to-person interaction during the day with someone who you genuinely like -- bang -- there's mindfulness again. I think a lot about great weekends, and great memories, and how truly in the moment I was at those times. It can be that simple.

Look at kids and you'll find it all. My little niece (no offense if you have a funny niece) is flat out the funniest seven year old on the entire planet...If they had "Last Comic Standing" for second graders, they'd stop the show once she auditioned and just hand her the gig. For me, it's amazing now to go home and put myself in a place where I can watch her at her best, and even at her worst. No matter what (but she is a lot more awesome in the good moments), she is in the now, in the current moment.

When she is jumping rope, do you know what she's thinking about at that moment? JUMPING ROPE. When she's doing her homework, guess what; she's only thinking about doing her homework (or, goofing around with me while doing her homework). Regardless, she is as in the moment as anybody could ever want to be.

Where and when do we lose that? I understand practical matters are relevant, but, they are only as relevant as our egos let them be. Your ego feeds off of judgment, pressure and negativity from others in the form of that ambiguous label of "cultural norms." Simply said, fuck "cultural norms." Do what makes you happy, be present in each moment, and you're there. It sounds so simple, and I know it is truth, so why is it so damn hard?