I guarantee nobody has this one...I don't belong anywhere. ANYWHERE. I've given it a chance, I even came home early for THIS? It's terrible. I don't feel like I am supposed to be here. I don't want to be here, and I don't need to be here. What the fuck am I doing?
A lot of where I am trying to get to is this place where I am comfortable with being in my own skin....being alive. I feel so incredibly stifled in Buffalo, like I've never felt before, even through the darkest times.
It's an amazing awakening though. I connect with my therapist on a very, very deep and profound level. I love going to talk to her....She gets "it." I don't want to lose that. SOME folks who I banked on coming back and focusing more on, people who helped me when I was at my lowest point -- there is nothing there. It's like it was a false positive. Distance made the heart grow fonder, but it never made the head grow stronger.
You can hope, pray and think that things will be amazing all you want. In the end it comes back to problem #1 since this all began -- I can't think and expect others to understand (but I do...and it hurts that nobody gets this)....But with that all said, there are five people in Florida who despite all of my warts, have never judged me. They've only embraced me and looked out for me...even when I was hesitant, frustrated and lonely. That hasn't fucking happened for even one day in Buffalo. Not one God damned single solitary time. That hurts more than I can ever explain in words.
But I beat the absolute shit out of myself because of everything else, and I fucking hate it -- mainly, leading myself to believe, magically I guess, that things would be different here after a year. Not one God damned thing has changed in anyone. The negativity still smothers me, the angst, and drama, and bullshit just wash over me every time a word comes out of mine or someone else's mouth. I don't get it, and can't do this.
I LOVE Buffalo. I played soccer tonight, and every last person I played with was amazing. I lingered and talked to a few guys who approached me and wanted to see if I cared to play on Sunday mornings, and at the very least be there next Wednesday to play. They wanted to grab a beer at some bar in East Aurora with me, but I sweat like a whore in the Vatican, so I wasn't about to go to a public place with a sweat-soaked white t-shirt. Anyways, there IS an amazing heart here, but, my mind is sick because of the people I can do nothing about. The heart in Buffalo, the thing that makes me love the 716, is non-existent in the cards of life that I have been dealt.
It's like this -- I will be horrible metaphor guy here: There's a bear right? Well, about a year ago he realized what a dumb fuck he was for continually entering a trap...the same trap that had always been there. He started to hate himself for how stupid he was for falling into it time and time again. Still -- he did it. Something broke in the bear though. He decided one day that he was going to try to avoid the area where the trap was at all costs. He did OK. Sometimes he would visit to see the trap was still there, but he didn't step in it...He just tip-toed around it from time to time. He observed its presence, but never let it destroy him. Never, ever, ever, ever will that trap be gone. As long as it's there, his best move is to avoid it at all costs. It may suck to not go near that area because there is a lot to be missed, but, that will all be long in the past sooner than later.
After a while the bear was saddened by his inability to avoid the trap on a daily basis. He thought enough time had passed....the trap can't still be there can it??? He was a bit ashamed that eventually the only answer was to avoid it completely...so he went back to the area for good, again. Nothing changed though. The same trap was there, only, it was larger, and nastier because he was used to life without the threat of the trap.
I looped myself into self-love which I will never be ashamed of. I like myself, and I love myself. I am proud of who and what I am for the first time in my life, but I am at the realization that I won't be able to live a life worth living (in my eyes) if things stay stagnant here.
I harbor a lot of hope in people, and that hope has been shot to shit since the plane landed.
Can I leave it all behind when it is all I know? And how hard is that going to be?
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