There's so much strength and beauty in art. It's fairly ridiculous. So, I unabashedly love Amos Lee. Amos has a song, "What's Been Going On?" Tremendous. Youtube it, iTunes it, steal it, whatever. It's just incredible, and incredibly on with everything I have gone through in this enormous process. A process that still is far from completed...I don't know that it'll ever be completed.
Again, I foolishly expected things to be different after being gone so long. The fucked up thing is that I know in my heart things aren't going to be different. Nothing is the same, but nobody has changed. I want to believe in people. I want to think that as I've grown, that others have grown. It just isn't the case, and that hurts like hell. I'm not depressed, but fuck man, I've cried more since coming home two weeks ago then I cried in three months in Florida. Those three months in Florida, aside from the occasional trip to Seffner or guest appearance from great friends, were pretty solemn, and isolated. I had my Dad. I had Joyce. I had me. I had books. I had group on Saturdays.
The world here, in Buffalo, kept spinning on the same axis, and for some reason I thought that wouldn't be the case. WHY? Less than four days here what am I getting? The same shit, hearing the same shit talk being filtered through the same channels....Directed blindly towards people.
Play this game for a second. Think of all the people in your life who you feel close to. I mean people you know intimately (and if you take that to mean sexually, just stop reading this). Do you really know them? I hope you do, I really do.
All I know of them, those who I know intimately; it's all surface. There aren't three people on this planet at this instant who know how vulnerable I feel...even on my best day. There is one -- MAYBE two.
Think about the next time you sit in judgment of someone. Think about that next time you hear a second-hand story about what so-and-so did the other day. How the fuck can you sit there and judge what and who they are based on actions that you have no background to the circumstances of?
I have no idea how else to say it man. Don't take this literally, please. I'm not a musician. I'm not from Philadelphia....Aside from that, this is exactly fucking right on. It hurts me to listen to Amos articulate all of this word-for-word. I've thrown this up here more than once, but now that I am home, it's never, ever been more painful yet relevant. Self-acceptance, radical acceptance -- "What you did...it's alright. You gotta move on. Seasons change." Fuck yes:
"It's a human thing man." Why are people so fucking voided?
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