Fin

It's funny...when this all started, I knew where the stigma would come from. I knew the people who'd joke about everything that's happened like a fucking high school kid making fun of the retarded kid in school. It ended up being true. I also knew the folks who'd take on my depression as if it was their own. I think it's called displacement theory. Yep, that happened.

I had blind faith in some people, but I also had faith that some people would be completely awful towards me, so I avoided them.

Sometimes you think of all of these things, yet, it doesn't go as planned. Our first inclination is to think negatively, and we're surprised. Sometimes, sadly, it goes exactly as you thought though....that's me.

My problem manifests itself in Buffalo because of other people. I'm NOT blaming anybody, but, these are triggers. Drop an alcoholic into a bar. Put somebody with lung cancer in a room full of smokers. Drop someone with zero self-esteem in a life where people constantly speak negatively to them and drop guilt on them -- not understanding that they have a life of their own now.

More and more I see that I need to be gone -- but please just put it in your head, think about what other people have to go through. I know when you're in your routine it's hard to see through other people's eyes. Imagine being in a place where you've lived for 26 years of the 30 years you spent on this earth....and having it not feel like home.

I thought I'd come back here and the love and peace I found in myself would be a shield. It's worked a little bit. There are parts of my life, triggers in Buffalo, that I've pushed as far away from me as I possibly could. But it's not enough. This is all fucked up. I can't cry every day. I can't have suicidal ideations and night terrors any more. One night I sat here and wanted to start a suicide note just to see what it would feel like, and what it would look like.

This is where it all starts up. This is the catalyst. The snowball is this big fucked up negative energy and discomfort in my own skin. It's rolling down the hill and getting bigger and picking up speed every day. This is getting worse. How is that possible? I feel so so devastated. I've given, and given and given without a single thank you. My family has given and given and given without a single thank you...and now I have nothing. My pride is non-existent. My self-worth is on the floor. I'm useless, and on the doorstep of Brylin again. I came here being told there would be people I could talk to if I needed to...they've magically evaporated -- but were they ever really there? Why should I stay? Why should I stay? I can't come up with one reason why.