Hmmmmmmm......

Ever....

Did you ever think of a song that you haven't heard in forever, and then it's on the overhead speakers at Target the next day? For me it's always remembering an episode of "Fresh Prince" or "The Cosby Show" and a week later I'll see the episode on television.

Upon the heels of my last post, kind of talking about those moments of being, those transcendent moments in your life that stick with you long past the mundane moments in your life, I came across this in reading Broken Open: How Difficult Times Help Us Grow by Elizabeth Lesser. She discussed seeing a very old friend, and the feeling in her soul during that meeting. The important thing here is the feeling, not the specifics of the meeting.

What ensued will go down in the record of my heart as one of those rare times in life when you finally rest -- when you put down the burden of striving and a sense of well-being spreads like honey into every corner of your consciousness. There was nowhere else to go, no one to be -- just now, just this precious day, these shared breaths with a friend.

It's incredible timing on two counts. The NOW is touched upon, and also, "the burden of striving." In a way, the author capsulizes what I tried to in my last post. Those are the moments where you completely let go of ego, and fully live with presence.

The chapter (the whole book is great) ends with this:

The ego. The ego. It's like this wheelchair. It's a beautiful wheelchair. Use it. Enjoy it! Just don't think it's you. Don't take yourself so, so personally."

What you should enjoy about your ego is what your ego has developed in you. Ego is what makes you special and different, it's what separates you from anyone else in the world. Think of how that can be good, and concentrate on that. But realize that it's not you. YOU lies somewhere underneath all that. YOU lies where soul and grace lie.

Now, nobody on this planet can be fully present and ego-less at all times. It just isn't the case. Being ego-less requires being present at all times...present with a capital P. And unless you are meditating in the Himalayas all day, every day, day-to-day life wants your ego to flare up all day long.

There is a positive side to ego (it shapes your likes and dislikes), but it also can lead to taking everything so damn personally. Hurt is only going to hurt more if you let ego dominate or define you. That's where I was with the depression. It didn't come out of nowhere. My ego sat up at the buffet and just tore through my depression, feasting on all of the negative thoughts about myself or about life. It kept eating and getting bigger to where it was ALL I did, and all I thought about. The negative side of ego was all I was. I lost all appreciation for the good, and I took everything so personally.

Everything was a failure, even if it wasn't. Successful work, making good money and being
happy? Failure.

A job where I worked with kids, got paid to go to the movies and the park and the zoo, etc...? One of the kids told me he wanted to grow up to be just like me...My thought of course was "no you don't"...Apparently that was all somehow a failure too.....EGO.

The balance comes with self-awareness. Self-awareness comes from mindfulness. When the negative side kicks in, and it will, laugh at it...I had a counselor who told me to say "fuck you" to it.

Nick Adenhart

The tragedy of Angels pitcher Nick Adnehart's death is known by now (or you are clueless)....but the most chilling part of this is that the 22-year old felon who drunkenly drove through the red light and ended up killing Adenhart, along with two others, had his license suspended for a previous DUI conviction in California.

Adenhart could have been rookie of the year, Cy Young, All-Star, Hall of Famer...who knows? He had everything to live for and it was taken from him.

And I'm suicidal...or at least was? For what?

I think about how shattered everyone touched by this is and can see now, with clearer vision, what I would have done if I made the decision to go through with, ya know....I hate that I personalize a tragedy like this, but that's human nature.

Thoughts and prayers go out to SoCal, and Maryland, where Adenhart was from. Baseball people are the best people on the planet, and the Angels organization is one of the most well-run franchises in all of sports.

It makes me think of "supposed to" living though also...

You know what makes me happiest? Remembering what it felt like to come up the stairs of the London Underground and see what Harrod's and the west end of London looked like for the first time.

Driving into New York in July while the sun set in the rear view, leaving a purple sky as the back drop to the Manhattan skyline. There is that bend in the New Jersey turnpike when you come around and finally see it, and it's an amazing feeling. And then on top of it "New York State of Mind" by Billy Joel was on the radio. It was one of the best moments of my life.

The ferry back from Alcatraz after the sun had set. Seeing San Francisco at night, from the water, from the island.....Riding bikes across the Golden Gate bridge (seriously!). And knowing first-hand how amazing Sausalito is, let alone knowing what it is.

Sunday morning drives to Toronto to see random Blue Jays games with 107.1 (maybe 102.1?) psychedelic Sundays on the radio, or maybe a Teddy Pendergrass CD on in the car.

Dave Matthews Band at The Greek.

Magglio.

Rod Allen at Fenway, and the game when Pudge played second base at Fenway.

Our Lady Peace on the radio in the middle-nowhere, Missouri.

Getting kicked out of KU basketball practice at the Phog.

There's so much more.......I did all of this when I was "supposed to" be settling down and having kids, getting the career, etc....Not for a single fucking second would I even consider trading any one of those things in for the sedentary life....and when I did, briefly, it got me nowhere fast.

The Final Fo'

I dislike Michigan State greatly, HOWEVA, this stat is ridiculous...it doesn't even sound like it could be true.

Anybody who has ever played under coach Tom Izzo, and stayed for four years has played in a Final Four.

Ron Burgundy interviews coach Izzo:

Ron Burgundy Interviews Tom Izzo from Ron Burgundy

Not Making Shit Up

So, the chasing goals, and buying a house because it's what you're "supposed to do" and getting married because it's what you're "supposed to do" was NOT a shot at anybody. If anything it was a shot at myself, because I think that's what fed a lot of the depression. I wasn't using my degree like I was "supposed to" or buying a house like I was "supposed to."

I stumbled upon this on facebook:

We are the richest country in the world, but studies have shown we are the saddest, and most depressed. We are lonely with our riches, following the American Dream. Go to school, get a job, get married, have kids, and repeat. The illusion that our lives have limits cause our massive dependency on drugs, on materialism, and lusts. We are a society with nothing new to give. This trek, this adventure to Alaska is to prove that humans don't have limits. You can do anything you set your mind to. Who says you need to go to college to be happy, who made it the law that you need to be rich. He was telling us that he had nothing to live for, so we gave him something to live for. So keep us in your prayers, and be ALIVE.

Now, how the hell do I implement this???????????????? I was happy when I was 23, 24, 25.....traveling like a fool and living life. The trappings of "supposed tos" has killed me.