Ever....

Did you ever think of a song that you haven't heard in forever, and then it's on the overhead speakers at Target the next day? For me it's always remembering an episode of "Fresh Prince" or "The Cosby Show" and a week later I'll see the episode on television.

Upon the heels of my last post, kind of talking about those moments of being, those transcendent moments in your life that stick with you long past the mundane moments in your life, I came across this in reading Broken Open: How Difficult Times Help Us Grow by Elizabeth Lesser. She discussed seeing a very old friend, and the feeling in her soul during that meeting. The important thing here is the feeling, not the specifics of the meeting.

What ensued will go down in the record of my heart as one of those rare times in life when you finally rest -- when you put down the burden of striving and a sense of well-being spreads like honey into every corner of your consciousness. There was nowhere else to go, no one to be -- just now, just this precious day, these shared breaths with a friend.

It's incredible timing on two counts. The NOW is touched upon, and also, "the burden of striving." In a way, the author capsulizes what I tried to in my last post. Those are the moments where you completely let go of ego, and fully live with presence.

The chapter (the whole book is great) ends with this:

The ego. The ego. It's like this wheelchair. It's a beautiful wheelchair. Use it. Enjoy it! Just don't think it's you. Don't take yourself so, so personally."

What you should enjoy about your ego is what your ego has developed in you. Ego is what makes you special and different, it's what separates you from anyone else in the world. Think of how that can be good, and concentrate on that. But realize that it's not you. YOU lies somewhere underneath all that. YOU lies where soul and grace lie.

Now, nobody on this planet can be fully present and ego-less at all times. It just isn't the case. Being ego-less requires being present at all times...present with a capital P. And unless you are meditating in the Himalayas all day, every day, day-to-day life wants your ego to flare up all day long.

There is a positive side to ego (it shapes your likes and dislikes), but it also can lead to taking everything so damn personally. Hurt is only going to hurt more if you let ego dominate or define you. That's where I was with the depression. It didn't come out of nowhere. My ego sat up at the buffet and just tore through my depression, feasting on all of the negative thoughts about myself or about life. It kept eating and getting bigger to where it was ALL I did, and all I thought about. The negative side of ego was all I was. I lost all appreciation for the good, and I took everything so personally.

Everything was a failure, even if it wasn't. Successful work, making good money and being
happy? Failure.

A job where I worked with kids, got paid to go to the movies and the park and the zoo, etc...? One of the kids told me he wanted to grow up to be just like me...My thought of course was "no you don't"...Apparently that was all somehow a failure too.....EGO.

The balance comes with self-awareness. Self-awareness comes from mindfulness. When the negative side kicks in, and it will, laugh at it...I had a counselor who told me to say "fuck you" to it.