Stigma

It's a funny thing man, to live alternate to the norm. But who amongst us doesn't have something they do or enjoy that wouldn't fit a social stigma? The truest test is to ask yourself if you stifle what you are and who you are because of your fear of stigma.

It's insidious to watch the news when the inevitable stories arise about gay Senators or gay evangelists stifling who they are, even when they are caught in moments of weakness. They are so afraid to let their true selves be shown. It saddens me so much to see it, because these are grown men, in their 50's and 60's who are so away from self-actualization, and so afraid of stigma that they will ruin lives of other people just to save face and maintain a facade.

My stigma is obvious on the surface. Most of y'all have talked about it, and I know you've even joked about it. It's pathetic, because anyone who has said a negative word about what I have gone through is so off course in their own lives that I take some empowerment from them.

The depression, and subsequent events that have followed in the last 14 months have been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I shudder to think of where I would be if I, like those poor souls who keep it stifled underneath a hollow outside, were to have never gone through this and just continued on a path of false happiness.

I've learned that the judgment of others will always be there...No matter what you do, someone will be there to knock you down. But my foundation was weak and those people who just thrive off of defeating others won time and time again.

What I thought was a foundation of who I am was ultimately built on nothing, and I crumbled. Now I have a rock solid foundation, based on things that I know, things I've come to learn about myself and the world and most importantly things that I share with people who matter to me, and things they've shared with me. I was rocked to the core, and in reflecting, it didn't take much to break everything in my life open...But it was only so that everything could be built better in the end. Thank God it happened.

The world is a cruel place...It's horrible sometimes, but, life truly is suffering. Take that how you will. If you know me, you know how I understand that and interpret that. If you don't, or you think that's a fucked up philosophy, or a that's a cold way to look at life...then you just don't get it, and you should probably keep looking for ways to fill the void. We're never going to get on the same page...and that's OK.