In an almost perfect example of what I am talking about, the delusional mind of "happiness" has struck.
Apparently the economy is in a crisis, that's the word on the streets. The worst financial crisis since the Great Depression or something like that? I wish they covered it on the news more than they do......Anyways, I'm reminded of Capriotto Auto Parts on Union Road in West Seneca. It used to have a huge storefront, but, in time the building was re-made and one of the millions of fly-by-night mortgage companies that sprung up in the mid 00's took up offices. Global Mortgage or something like that? Well, therein lies the problem, and therein lies what I was referring to in my previous ramblings.
The world is hurting right now and it's because a lot of folks are in houses they cannot afford. It's not all their fault. Places like Global Mortgage set up shop, brokered the shit out of adjustable rate mortgages, and when people couldn't pay back their mortgage, the bubble burst for not only small companies like theirs, but also monsters like Citibank, AIG, and Bank of America just to name a few. This is obviously common sense, I'm not stating anything most people aren't aware of. The happy allusion of the "American Dream," turned out to be a delusion for many, but, it's because a monkey could go in and get a mortgage.
Some people apparently took that as a shot at them when I used that as an example of unrealistic optimism, a fairly common philosophy on mental health......The unrealistic optimism is worldwide, as evidenced by the global financial crisis....relax, I wasn't talking about you.
Part 2 - I plucked the whole depressive realism theory from the book I am currently reading, which is maybe the best piece of historical non-fiction I have ever read. Lincoln's Melancholy by Joshua Wolf Shenk. Last night in my reading, the depressive realism theory was delved into, and it inspired me, as Shenk described Lincoln's well-documented depression. Where this came into play was in the slavery talk, and the subsuquent, and famous, Lincoln-Douglas debates.
Abraham Lincoln is a hero of many, including myself, and his stature is only growing through my readings. It's fascinating because I always remember the lessons about the Missouri Compromise, the Kansas-Nebraska act and the Lincoln-Douglas feud through the 1850's which eventually led to the historic Lincoln-Douglas debates, but never put it into context.
The Kansas-Nebraska act was the brain child of Stephen Douglas, who was incredibly bombastic and arrogant (not to mention a flaming racist). He loved his cigars, his scotch and his women...and by many accounts referred to himself as the smartest person in the room at parties, and even in legislature.
The depressive realism point of the book addressed these delusions of Douglas. The delusions that lead to the "American Dream," which was preyed upon by predatory lenders through the 90's and early 2000's and led us to where we are.
The contrast of an incredibly depressed and lifelong suffering Lincoln with the bombastic and wildly popular Douglas was the juxtaposition for Shenk's illustration of the depressed mind versus the non-depressed mind. Lincoln was aware of his intelligence, but was ashamed of it, and insecure about it...due to the profound depression he suffered through. As it is today, it wasn't "cool" or acceptable to be smart. On the other hand Douglas was a megalomaniac, much like many of today's celebrities and athletes. He had everything at his disposal, and was what clinicians would call mentally healthy.
The delusion that was eventually Douglas' downfall was that his arrogance, his proclamations that he knew nobody smarter, and that essentially he had a birthright to be president in 1860. Lincoln, depressed, and at times suicidal, came out of nowhere, equipped with a realistic (though pessimistic) view of the world, and gifted with the type of personna we see in Barack, one that the normal folks see hope in and connect with. He shocked the world in his debate drubbings of Douglas, though he would not defeat Douglas in the running for Illinois' Senate seat in 1858.
I guess that was read as me taking a shot at someone? I should have gone into more detail. I do have other things on my plate though, sorry to disappoint..
After the 1858 loss, Lincoln was devastated, and did, as I overly-simplified in my last post, ditch many of his obligations. He became solemn, and depressed and forsaked his wife and his legal practice because of the initial hurt of the loss to Douglas. But he also funnelled that sadness into a work that may have been the main reason for his election as Presindent in 1860. He went through and published the text of the debates with Douglas, in which he thrashed the veteran politician. Once the text of those speeches reached the masses in book form and word of this up and coming political star reached the masses (remember, this was an Illinois Senate race, so folks around the country had no idea), Abe was on his way to being one of the most important figures in the history of this world.
His aim, and what led him into such dark, and violent bouts of depression, was that he wanted to not only leave his mark on this world, but, he wanted to change it in some way. Alleviate the suffering of so many, even just a little bit. It took him more than 40 years of suffering before he finally funneled all of his angst and energy into making this come true.
It's why so many artists are usually victims of depression. They get a form of tunnel vision in their quest for meaning. Melville, Hemingway, Kerouac, into more modern examples like Cobain and David Foster Wallace. It's a whore, and even in winning, many lose. Reading Cobain's lyrics is to read a Hemingway piece of prose. I never want it to get that dark, but I swear to God I don't know that I can say that it won't. Right now is right now, and tomorrow is tomorrow.
Please separate yourself from what you read, it's not all about you. While you're working and raising your family, I'm not. I have a shitload of free time, and I fill it with thinking (too much thinking) and reading, and philosophizing. Don't flatter yourself and think it's all about you. If something negative is written and you identify it with yourself, then maybe you have some insecurities, but I promise you when I write, when I vent on here and in my journal, the last thing I am thinking about is anybody else. I'll send you the book when I am finished so you can see my scribblings and highlighting in the book (they aren't about you, don't worry), the pages look as if I am trying to figure out all of the worlds problems in the margins.
Educate yourself before running your fucking mouth.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Depressive Realism
My biggest inspiration, and my biggest find through all of this has been this phrase - Depressive Realism. The first real distinguishing trait in determining depression, or any mental disorder for that matter is "does the patient maintain close and accurate contact with reality?" While depressives, melancholics, or whatever "we" are would absolutely answer no to that question at the worst moments of what we go through.....can you really, as a non-depressed person answer that truthfully every day?
There is a school of thought that says when people are not depressed, they are vulnerable to highly irrational allusions, including unrealistic optimism (buying a house you can't afford for example), overestimation of themselves (calling yourself the smartest person you know), and an exaggerated sense of your capacity to control events (when that capacity to control is compromised, you simply ditch your obligations).
In an experiment two researchers of the depressive mind, Lyn Abramson AND Lauren Alloy, took one control group of non-depressives and one of depressives. Their study was like a game show in which there was a yellow light and a green light. You were to push a button to light the green light up and however many times it lit, you won that money. When the non-depressives had success with the game and won money, it was because they felt they had control. When they didn't win, or performed poorly, they thought they had no control over the game...that something must be wrong with their button.
The same experiment with the depressives warranted quite simpler results. No matter what the result of the game was, depressives felt they had no control in the game.
In the end, the depressives were correct, they had zero control whether they won or lost...that was just how the experiment was rigged up, but they felt that way because that is how the depressive mind works.
It's funny to think about, and it sounds funny to read, and granted it's just one experiment, but the depressive mind seems to be judging itself much more accurately than the non-depressive mind. Tie it in to what I first started talking about, the non-depressive mind in many, many instances is more delusional than the depressive mind. Within the non-depressive mind, there is ego, and grandiose, and that what we gather from the experiment -- "when things were going good, it's because I was the shit!!! and when I lost, it wasn't my fault!"
Again, "Depressive Realism." Depressive realism is the theory that depressive minds have a more accurate view of reality.
That's not to say "everything is fucked, and you're all stupid if you don't see that." I interpret it like this -- Me, Kevin, I have super low self-esteem. My low self-esteem has root causes in my childhood, and then as I grew older I let the things other people said and did to me impact that.
On the flip side, the person with high self-esteem is in a delusional state where he or she thinks these grandiose thoughts about themselves which are just as rooted in childhood, or other people helping you puff out your chest. They ignore the suffering in this world, because they are so absolutely entrenched in their own bubble that they see nothing.
What leads to my depression is my core connection to this world on a grander scale. I can always remember as a little kid, laying in bed, not being able to sleep, and wondering if some kid my age was in Liberia, worrying about the same things I was. It's why I try to travel so much, because I love to see hope where I go. It's here, a lot in Florida. It's there in Buffalo, but, I have a more global perspective of life and while it's great it takes so much fucking work! The suffering of others and the suffering of myself is too much to bare in mind at times.
I'll wrap it up with a perfect quote from writer Aldous Huxley, "If most of us remain ignorant of ourselves, it is because self-knowledge is painful and we prefer the pleasure of illusion."
I wish there was a stronger word for it then pain, but, whatever it is that I have lived through is indeed my quest for self-knowledge and it has been so profoundly painful. But I'd trade for being just one of the hive, one who prefers the pleasure of illusion, any day of the week.
There is a school of thought that says when people are not depressed, they are vulnerable to highly irrational allusions, including unrealistic optimism (buying a house you can't afford for example), overestimation of themselves (calling yourself the smartest person you know), and an exaggerated sense of your capacity to control events (when that capacity to control is compromised, you simply ditch your obligations).
In an experiment two researchers of the depressive mind, Lyn Abramson AND Lauren Alloy, took one control group of non-depressives and one of depressives. Their study was like a game show in which there was a yellow light and a green light. You were to push a button to light the green light up and however many times it lit, you won that money. When the non-depressives had success with the game and won money, it was because they felt they had control. When they didn't win, or performed poorly, they thought they had no control over the game...that something must be wrong with their button.
The same experiment with the depressives warranted quite simpler results. No matter what the result of the game was, depressives felt they had no control in the game.
In the end, the depressives were correct, they had zero control whether they won or lost...that was just how the experiment was rigged up, but they felt that way because that is how the depressive mind works.
It's funny to think about, and it sounds funny to read, and granted it's just one experiment, but the depressive mind seems to be judging itself much more accurately than the non-depressive mind. Tie it in to what I first started talking about, the non-depressive mind in many, many instances is more delusional than the depressive mind. Within the non-depressive mind, there is ego, and grandiose, and that what we gather from the experiment -- "when things were going good, it's because I was the shit!!! and when I lost, it wasn't my fault!"
Again, "Depressive Realism." Depressive realism is the theory that depressive minds have a more accurate view of reality.
That's not to say "everything is fucked, and you're all stupid if you don't see that." I interpret it like this -- Me, Kevin, I have super low self-esteem. My low self-esteem has root causes in my childhood, and then as I grew older I let the things other people said and did to me impact that.
On the flip side, the person with high self-esteem is in a delusional state where he or she thinks these grandiose thoughts about themselves which are just as rooted in childhood, or other people helping you puff out your chest. They ignore the suffering in this world, because they are so absolutely entrenched in their own bubble that they see nothing.
What leads to my depression is my core connection to this world on a grander scale. I can always remember as a little kid, laying in bed, not being able to sleep, and wondering if some kid my age was in Liberia, worrying about the same things I was. It's why I try to travel so much, because I love to see hope where I go. It's here, a lot in Florida. It's there in Buffalo, but, I have a more global perspective of life and while it's great it takes so much fucking work! The suffering of others and the suffering of myself is too much to bare in mind at times.
I'll wrap it up with a perfect quote from writer Aldous Huxley, "If most of us remain ignorant of ourselves, it is because self-knowledge is painful and we prefer the pleasure of illusion."
I wish there was a stronger word for it then pain, but, whatever it is that I have lived through is indeed my quest for self-knowledge and it has been so profoundly painful. But I'd trade for being just one of the hive, one who prefers the pleasure of illusion, any day of the week.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Says It All
Tao Te Ching - Lao Tzu - chapter 49
The sage has no mind of his own.
He is aware of the need of others.
I am good to people who are good.
I am also good to people who are not good.
Because Virtue is goodness.
I have faith in people who are faithful.
I also have faith in people who are not faithful.
Because Virtue is faithfulness.
The sage is shy and humble - to the world he seems confusing.
Men look to him and listen.
He behaves like a little child.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
It's Hard to See
This speaks volumes, but, I came home to Florida today (last night), and I don't feel that down. I don't miss home because the way I left it, on September 12th 2008, is the same way I found it this past week, a half a year later.
I don't mean structurally. Yeah, the Aud is getting torn down, but, there is such a negative pain body that is so pervasive in so many people in Buffalo that it gets to be really hard to be around, even in very small doses. That's why I tried to surround myself with the kids when I was back, and got the fuck out of town for as many days as I could.
Kids are amazing, because they force mindfulness on you, if you're alive enough to register it. For 45 minutes we went over every team in the NCAA bracket, what colors the teams had, what cities they were in and what their mascot was. For those 45 minutes, my nephew and niece's minds weren't wandering to "what am I going to have for dinner? did I pack everything for the plane tomorrow? shit, I forgot to get my oil changed?, etc..." They were fully engaged in the moment, right then and there. That's presence. That's beautiful.
It's so easy to blame the world, and just let it defeat you. The answer a lot of times is "you can't be like that as an adult in this world," but when you come back and ask why not all you get is "I don't know, you just can't." You totally can...Really there is no other way. Otherwise, you get yourself trapped in the dressings of buying a house because that's what you're "supposed to do," and getting married because that's what you're "supposed to do." What about seeing the world, what about making an impact on someone else's life that will benefit them and not just you? Life and work is not just a means to an end, and that's where I was, that's what killed me at 28 years old.
It's hard as hell, but then I think that it's only really eight months of work. I know for a fact that I treat people better than I used to....that was a goal of mine coming out of the hospital. What hurts is when you are that overly caring person and you try too hard to accept everybody. It's like having a problem that you think you can keep throwing money at or drink to make it go away. In the end, the problem is going to be staring in the face after you've spent your last dime, or drank your last drink, and you're just going to be broke or hungover, sitting there even more hurt than you were when it all started, and the problem is just sitting there waving at you.
Some people aren't fixable, and that's fine and it's not a judgment...It is what it is. People who throw away friendship for no reason, people who say they're not racist, but will tell a black joke the minute they're sure no black folks are around. That's auto-pilot mode, and there's not shit you can do, or should do to help. It's pretentious and insincere to project the changes that you've made onto other people....
But it scares the fuck out of me when I think about coming back whenever I do come back. I know, down here, I am alone a lot, and that's not a problem at all. I use those times to read, write and reflect...so why can't that be when I am back in Buffalo? Cut the old strings, scrap the external fix-it remedies that never worked (only one person reading this gets that, and I love that), like being a workaholic, set on a path that other people have carved out for me. Let your conscience be your guide...leave it to ol' Jiminy Cricket (again meant for only one person)...My biggest test is in front of me, and it's going to take dumping a lot of old baggage before I can ace that bad boy.
I don't mean structurally. Yeah, the Aud is getting torn down, but, there is such a negative pain body that is so pervasive in so many people in Buffalo that it gets to be really hard to be around, even in very small doses. That's why I tried to surround myself with the kids when I was back, and got the fuck out of town for as many days as I could.
Kids are amazing, because they force mindfulness on you, if you're alive enough to register it. For 45 minutes we went over every team in the NCAA bracket, what colors the teams had, what cities they were in and what their mascot was. For those 45 minutes, my nephew and niece's minds weren't wandering to "what am I going to have for dinner? did I pack everything for the plane tomorrow? shit, I forgot to get my oil changed?, etc..." They were fully engaged in the moment, right then and there. That's presence. That's beautiful.
It's so easy to blame the world, and just let it defeat you. The answer a lot of times is "you can't be like that as an adult in this world," but when you come back and ask why not all you get is "I don't know, you just can't." You totally can...Really there is no other way. Otherwise, you get yourself trapped in the dressings of buying a house because that's what you're "supposed to do," and getting married because that's what you're "supposed to do." What about seeing the world, what about making an impact on someone else's life that will benefit them and not just you? Life and work is not just a means to an end, and that's where I was, that's what killed me at 28 years old.
It's hard as hell, but then I think that it's only really eight months of work. I know for a fact that I treat people better than I used to....that was a goal of mine coming out of the hospital. What hurts is when you are that overly caring person and you try too hard to accept everybody. It's like having a problem that you think you can keep throwing money at or drink to make it go away. In the end, the problem is going to be staring in the face after you've spent your last dime, or drank your last drink, and you're just going to be broke or hungover, sitting there even more hurt than you were when it all started, and the problem is just sitting there waving at you.
Some people aren't fixable, and that's fine and it's not a judgment...It is what it is. People who throw away friendship for no reason, people who say they're not racist, but will tell a black joke the minute they're sure no black folks are around. That's auto-pilot mode, and there's not shit you can do, or should do to help. It's pretentious and insincere to project the changes that you've made onto other people....
But it scares the fuck out of me when I think about coming back whenever I do come back. I know, down here, I am alone a lot, and that's not a problem at all. I use those times to read, write and reflect...so why can't that be when I am back in Buffalo? Cut the old strings, scrap the external fix-it remedies that never worked (only one person reading this gets that, and I love that), like being a workaholic, set on a path that other people have carved out for me. Let your conscience be your guide...leave it to ol' Jiminy Cricket (again meant for only one person)...My biggest test is in front of me, and it's going to take dumping a lot of old baggage before I can ace that bad boy.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
2 A.M Inspiration
Real fast, for those who don't know, last year, almost exactly a year ago actually, I spiraled into horrific depression. I was hospitalized, had suicidal impulses, manias, and lost myself. The road to recovery has been slow, but I've expected as much. I'm growing so much from it, and there are so many cliches to throw around about it, but I genuinely feel that my life was on the wrong path, and to get it back to where it needed to be, things needed to shatter around me so I could pick up the pieces and put them back where they belong, and where they will always stay.
In a group my Dad and step-momz are taking to better learn about depression, and mental illness, they received a letter, which was written together by a group of people whose lives were destroyed by depression and mental illness. They put it together in a similar hospital setting to where I was. I cannot put into better words what's here, so I will flat-out plagiarize.
Most of the letter is a little late in my case, and not AS relevant to me as it was when I was going through hell, and came out of it reeling, and not knowing what was up and what was down. Over the past year I have given myself, and fate has given me incredible tests, and I have grown through all of them.
It's like Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill for eternity. I have been steadily getting higher and higher up the hill with my boulder, and sometimes I slip and the boulder starts rolling down the hill, but my biggest challenge is to never let that bitch get back down to the bottom.
The burden of judgment and bitterness isn't carried with me anymore, and it feels amazing. It isn't as simple as the macho facade of "I don't give a shit what people think." I do care what people think, so long as it's not based in judgment and hypocrisy. The key is noticing when you judge, and when you're short-sightedness is manifesting itself.
When you catch yourself judging, stop. Notice it, marinate on it, even if it's only a couple of seconds. That right there is amazing progress, and over time, that practice will open you to grow out of a lot of judgments and negative thinking processes.
Since the events of 2008, that's the biggest thing I have learned -- change isn't hard, but it also isn't going to happen over night, over a month or even over a year. It really is as simple as stopping in the moment and reflecting on the situation with what you were born with -- a loving heart and mind -- and not reacting as if each disagreement is a battle where you have to be the winner.
In a group my Dad and step-momz are taking to better learn about depression, and mental illness, they received a letter, which was written together by a group of people whose lives were destroyed by depression and mental illness. They put it together in a similar hospital setting to where I was. I cannot put into better words what's here, so I will flat-out plagiarize.
My Dear Family,
This letter is a plea for your compassion, understanding and patience. We have all just come through an episode of my mental illness. I have experienced it personally and you have tried to deal with its effects while continuing to take care of our family as a whole. It has not been easy, but I have done the best I know how, and so have you. For this, I thank you.
As a result of this episode I am now exhausted. Maybe I look alright on the outside, but on the inside I am incredibly wounded. Even the least stress, the least effort is overwhelming to me. I need to just sit and pull myself together. I need to sleep a lot and at times, not do much at all. This may go on for quite some time.
It may be hard for you to see me this way. You may feel it is your duty to help me "snap out of it." You may wonder if I am using this as an excuse to be lazy. Please be gentle with me, give me the benefit of the doubt, and let me heal.
If you want to do something for me, these are the things that I would appreciate:
1.) Learn about my illness. This is an illness of the brain and body, just like any illness. It also affects my ability to think, feel and behave. Those effects may have been difficult for you to deal with. I am sorry if the effect of my illness has made your life more difficult. Learning about my illness may help you put these difficulties into perspective.
2.) Help me find effective treatment. This makes patience and persistence (this is me now -- this could not be more true!!!). In my present state, I may not have the energy or ambition to follow through on my own. I may need you to advocate for me, until we find people and medicine that really help.
3.) The last, and most important thing you can do for me is listen with an open heart and an open mind. Don't try to advise me. Just listen while I work this out for myself. Your trust and understanding during this time of rest and recuperation will help me feel confident enough to decide when I am able to step (perhaps gradually) into life activities.
Thank you for your support and compassion. It will make my path to recovery that much more smooth and sure.
With thanks and hope.....
Most of the letter is a little late in my case, and not AS relevant to me as it was when I was going through hell, and came out of it reeling, and not knowing what was up and what was down. Over the past year I have given myself, and fate has given me incredible tests, and I have grown through all of them.
It's like Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill for eternity. I have been steadily getting higher and higher up the hill with my boulder, and sometimes I slip and the boulder starts rolling down the hill, but my biggest challenge is to never let that bitch get back down to the bottom.
The burden of judgment and bitterness isn't carried with me anymore, and it feels amazing. It isn't as simple as the macho facade of "I don't give a shit what people think." I do care what people think, so long as it's not based in judgment and hypocrisy. The key is noticing when you judge, and when you're short-sightedness is manifesting itself.
When you catch yourself judging, stop. Notice it, marinate on it, even if it's only a couple of seconds. That right there is amazing progress, and over time, that practice will open you to grow out of a lot of judgments and negative thinking processes.
Since the events of 2008, that's the biggest thing I have learned -- change isn't hard, but it also isn't going to happen over night, over a month or even over a year. It really is as simple as stopping in the moment and reflecting on the situation with what you were born with -- a loving heart and mind -- and not reacting as if each disagreement is a battle where you have to be the winner.
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