2 A.M Inspiration

Real fast, for those who don't know, last year, almost exactly a year ago actually, I spiraled into horrific depression. I was hospitalized, had suicidal impulses, manias, and lost myself. The road to recovery has been slow, but I've expected as much. I'm growing so much from it, and there are so many cliches to throw around about it, but I genuinely feel that my life was on the wrong path, and to get it back to where it needed to be, things needed to shatter around me so I could pick up the pieces and put them back where they belong, and where they will always stay.

In a group my Dad and step-momz are taking to better learn about depression, and mental illness, they received a letter, which was written together by a group of people whose lives were destroyed by depression and mental illness. They put it together in a similar hospital setting to where I was. I cannot put into better words what's here, so I will flat-out plagiarize.

My Dear Family,

This letter is a plea for your compassion, understanding and patience. We have all just come through an episode of my mental illness. I have experienced it personally and you have tried to deal with its effects while continuing to take care of our family as a whole. It has not been easy, but I have done the best I know how, and so have you. For this, I thank you.

As a result of this episode I am now exhausted. Maybe I look alright on the outside, but on the inside I am incredibly wounded. Even the least stress, the least effort is overwhelming to me. I need to just sit and pull myself together. I need to sleep a lot and at times, not do much at all. This may go on for quite some time.

It may be hard for you to see me this way. You may feel it is your duty to help me "snap out of it." You may wonder if I am using this as an excuse to be lazy. Please be gentle with me, give me the benefit of the doubt, and let me heal.

If you want to do something for me, these are the things that I would appreciate:

1.) Learn about my illness. This is an illness of the brain and body, just like any illness. It also affects my ability to think, feel and behave. Those effects may have been difficult for you to deal with. I am sorry if the effect of my illness has made your life more difficult. Learning about my illness may help you put these difficulties into perspective.

2.) Help me find effective treatment. This makes patience and persistence (this is me now -- this could not be more true!!!). In my present state, I may not have the energy or ambition to follow through on my own. I may need you to advocate for me, until we find people and medicine that really help.

3.) The last, and most important thing you can do for me is listen with an open heart and an open mind. Don't try to advise me. Just listen while I work this out for myself. Your trust and understanding during this time of rest and recuperation will help me feel confident enough to decide when I am able to step (perhaps gradually) into life activities.

Thank you for your support and compassion. It will make my path to recovery that much more smooth and sure.

With thanks and hope.....

Most of the letter is a little late in my case, and not AS relevant to me as it was when I was going through hell, and came out of it reeling, and not knowing what was up and what was down. Over the past year I have given myself, and fate has given me incredible tests, and I have grown through all of them.

It's like Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill for eternity. I have been steadily getting higher and higher up the hill with my boulder, and sometimes I slip and the boulder starts rolling down the hill, but my biggest challenge is to never let that bitch get back down to the bottom.

The burden of judgment and bitterness isn't carried with me anymore, and it feels amazing. It isn't as simple as the macho facade of "I don't give a shit what people think." I do care what people think, so long as it's not based in judgment and hypocrisy. The key is noticing when you judge, and when you're short-sightedness is manifesting itself.

When you catch yourself judging, stop. Notice it, marinate on it, even if it's only a couple of seconds. That right there is amazing progress, and over time, that practice will open you to grow out of a lot of judgments and negative thinking processes.

Since the events of 2008, that's the biggest thing I have learned -- change isn't hard, but it also isn't going to happen over night, over a month or even over a year. It really is as simple as stopping in the moment and reflecting on the situation with what you were born with -- a loving heart and mind -- and not reacting as if each disagreement is a battle where you have to be the winner.