It's Hard to See

This speaks volumes, but, I came home to Florida today (last night), and I don't feel that down. I don't miss home because the way I left it, on September 12th 2008, is the same way I found it this past week, a half a year later.

I don't mean structurally. Yeah, the Aud is getting torn down, but, there is such a negative pain body that is so pervasive in so many people in Buffalo that it gets to be really hard to be around, even in very small doses. That's why I tried to surround myself with the kids when I was back, and got the fuck out of town for as many days as I could.

Kids are amazing, because they force mindfulness on you, if you're alive enough to register it. For 45 minutes we went over every team in the NCAA bracket, what colors the teams had, what cities they were in and what their mascot was. For those 45 minutes, my nephew and niece's minds weren't wandering to "what am I going to have for dinner? did I pack everything for the plane tomorrow? shit, I forgot to get my oil changed?, etc..." They were fully engaged in the moment, right then and there. That's presence. That's beautiful.

It's so easy to blame the world, and just let it defeat you. The answer a lot of times is "you can't be like that as an adult in this world," but when you come back and ask why not all you get is "I don't know, you just can't." You totally can...Really there is no other way. Otherwise, you get yourself trapped in the dressings of buying a house because that's what you're "supposed to do," and getting married because that's what you're "supposed to do." What about seeing the world, what about making an impact on someone else's life that will benefit them and not just you? Life and work is not just a means to an end, and that's where I was, that's what killed me at 28 years old.

It's hard as hell, but then I think that it's only really eight months of work. I know for a fact that I treat people better than I used to....that was a goal of mine coming out of the hospital. What hurts is when you are that overly caring person and you try too hard to accept everybody. It's like having a problem that you think you can keep throwing money at or drink to make it go away. In the end, the problem is going to be staring in the face after you've spent your last dime, or drank your last drink, and you're just going to be broke or hungover, sitting there even more hurt than you were when it all started, and the problem is just sitting there waving at you.

Some people aren't fixable, and that's fine and it's not a judgment...It is what it is. People who throw away friendship for no reason, people who say they're not racist, but will tell a black joke the minute they're sure no black folks are around. That's auto-pilot mode, and there's not shit you can do, or should do to help. It's pretentious and insincere to project the changes that you've made onto other people....

But it scares the fuck out of me when I think about coming back whenever I do come back. I know, down here, I am alone a lot, and that's not a problem at all. I use those times to read, write and reflect...so why can't that be when I am back in Buffalo? Cut the old strings, scrap the external fix-it remedies that never worked (only one person reading this gets that, and I love that), like being a workaholic, set on a path that other people have carved out for me. Let your conscience be your guide...leave it to ol' Jiminy Cricket (again meant for only one person)...My biggest test is in front of me, and it's going to take dumping a lot of old baggage before I can ace that bad boy.