Death

I feel so blessed to be reading Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser. I am through the parenting things, and I know I will get there one day to have as a reference, in-between bullpen sessions with my 3-year old left hander.

I am proud that I can reflect on the events of a year ago now and almost smile. Being suicidal, I would appear to be ready for death. That's not the case though. Suicide, or suicidal thoughts in the way that I had them were to kill myself....but I didn't ever want to leave the world. It was a horrific way to live, for months and months I said I did want to leave this world -- it would ease the burden on everybody close to me. Outwardly those feelings and thoughts drove me into the hospital, thank God.

The death I wanted was the death to my life in Buffalo. That doesn't mean everything was bad, but, I think I've established what was bad in my life, how I had lost ME, and the sadness and self-hatred I had in myself. I wanted that killed, and I wanted it immediately.

The immediacy was a delusion, but obviously I was not in my right mind. The process turned slowly, and I am proud of the way I passed the time before leaving for Michigan in September. I re-discovered what I love about myself. I found that parts of me that I loved that had gone into the abyss as I worked 60 hours a week and fought the "supposed-tos."

I traveled a ton, I wrote, I read relentlessly, I played soccer, went to sporting events and great cities, and most importantly I surrounded myself with amazing people. I also found new people who I am so proud to have in my life now. You have made more of a difference in my life than you can imagine (one of you is related to Joey Liberta, and the other lives with mini-Janis Joplin). If we've grown closer in the past year, it's because I have been drawn to your soul. THAT in you that makes you human, and that in me that makes me human....soul.

I believe that we are all lost in one way or another. I am so proud of Danielle and Greg, two of my favorite people in the world, for having such an amazing baby, and Greg being such a great father. I joked about bringing the baby back down to Florida with me in January and Greg said "nooo, I would miss him too much!" and little D's reaction was exactly the same. To know Gnomey is to love him. The words "I don't like Gnome (or Griz)" have never, and will never be spoken. And the spirit of little D, I love that little kid. Best couple ever, and you don't have to look far past their parents to see why.

D&G seem the least lost, and most connected people I know. Connected to what? It's hard to quantify, but Elizabeth Lesser calls it "soul" and I think that's good.

At our core we all want to connect, we all want to love, and we all want those transcendent life experiences. The people I look up to, and strive to be, can make the mundane transcendent, and that lies in soul. We don't want to talk to someone on the subway, or in line at the bank and just say "hello, how are you" and have the conversation die two seconds after the words are said. In our core -- our soul -- we want to connect with our fellow person, our fellow soul well beyond the standard pleasantries.

You can prepare now for that scary death, the big D. Look at the way you deal with simple, less profound deaths in this world. A show you love finally runs out and it sucks, but, you get over it, you have the memories, and even sometimes the video (DVD) of that show and it's a celebration.

Profoundly a job loss can be seen as a death. Another in the line of many mini-deaths we all experience in life. You cope with it, and don't let it ruin you like it did me. Even if you have an incredibly hard time, don't forget the power of "this too shall pass."

These little death tests set us up to make us not have this horrifying relationship with ultimate death that many, many of us do.

Grief is totally and utterly acceptable, and it's beautiful to run with it. Flow in the water of the grief, don't swim against it. Grieve together, tell stories, and remember the love that was passed back and forth between yourself and whoever passed while they were alive. Imagine someone who dies as Jane or John Doe, and then think about how blessed you were and how blessed the deceased was to have been so loved in their time on this planet.

Your personal death is a different story, but the same ideas can apply. It all comes down to Love. Love breeds acceptance, full and whole-hearted acceptance. Why not wait for death as if it's a the eve of a trip that you'll be making abroad. We're all going somewhere, the miracle of this life (just think about the miracle of your heart), has to mean there is a higher power out there somewhere.

When you can get to realize that the negative conceptions we have about death, in all facets of our life, can be worked on, accepted and changed.....think about how much better life, day-to-day and second-to-second is going to be.

I hate country music, or as a famous 12-year old once said, "I dislike it greatly." Tim McGraw's song "Live Like you Were Dying" is close, but trite.

I propose living like you've already died. Imagine that! Imagine how great your life could be when you think that it's all gone. Meditate on it if you can...Meditation, I don't want to get into, but is simpler than it sounds. Driving to work early one morning, roll the windows down and feel the cold air rush in and think about what would be if you died yesterday.

What would you miss? What open issues would have been left raw and unopen? Did you want that anger that's in your heart to always be there? Don't you wish you would have been proactive and brought more love into your heart? Do you wish that you were nicer to everyone? Whatever it is, it's such a beautiful and motivating thought. Picture your life energy, and again, soul, just gone and your body being a cold blue vessel with no life in it any longer.

How empowering is this?

I have begun in the last week to try to think of this when I get up, pouring my cereal in the morning. It's made a change in my life. I'm hitting the elliptical a lot, I'm going to the pool, I am reading my face off, I am reaching out to people I love and care about just to see what's going on. I try to make sure I let them know I love them or I appreciate them as much as possible. I have had a hard time staying busy, and now I am barely employed, but busy as shit.

The shift is new to me. A month ago I flaked out on going to see my Aunt and Uncle because I was having a shitty day. I've been flaking on J-Wags recently because my self-loathing has taken a stronger stance. The thought of "shit, what if I was dead....what if I died yesterday?" has motivated me a lot.

Sorry to sound preachy, but, I am trying to bring my fully loaded arsenal up to Buffalo with me in June so I can have the tools for whatever is thrown at me right away. I died. And now I am on this planet to be a loving, compassionate, and fun soul. There is not enough time post-death to go back and be un-mad at someone, so don't let it even get to that point while we're still here, we're all Bozos on the same fucked-up Bus.

Inspired Late

I've stalled in my reading. Not that I'm not reading, but the subject matter in the book isn't exactly pertinent to me at this moment. It's getting into parenting with mindfulness. Ralph really doesn't have a brain, or free-will, so, I have nothing in the parenting department.

While I love the image and idea behind the Phoenix (the spirit gets burnt into the fire only to gather up ashes and begin anew, fresh, and hopefully more clear), it seems like a really long way to go to say, a lot of times shit falls apart for good reasons. Eventhough at the time, it hurts like hell, in the end - a month, a year, years, whatever, the whole beautifully put back together piece makes it so worth the hell. Believe me, there are too many stories of meaningful life changes coming from utter and horrendus tragedy and depression.

This gets me to relationships. YEAH. I spun out of control last year, more specifically, last summer. I took the pennant of selfishness, and the psycho-babble of "ya gotta be selfish" to mean, "fuck everybody else." Sadly that really, really hurt the person who is the most important part of my world (no, not Curtis Granderson).

I want to get this out, all before I get back home. There really isn't trepidation in me coming home for good in June, because it's on my terms, and OUR terms. That first day marks the last day before I went off on the deep end -- BUT, that's a dangerous way to look at it. If I view our first day together and settled in as that last day of happiness in February last year, I'm not going to wake up depressed, and if I do, I have so many tools and weapons ready and waiting to not let it devour me.

Please understand the importance of all I have gone through in the past year, and how it has shaped who you are going to know when I come home. If you judge me, we're done. If you want to take the time out and get to know what I am doing, and have a frank discussion with me about the past year -- awesome. There is NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING better for me then to talk it out with as many people as I can. It serves me so, so well, but it also, God forbid, provides a chance that if someone now hears what I dealt with, or how I dealt with it -- then maybe their suffering can be less because of it if they ever get that dark.

The WORST thing that can happen when I come home is to pretend it's day one and move on from there, June 1st. The past year cannot be ignored, but it can totally be embraced. Embrace it with me, because it's still going to be a work in progress.

I've had a lot of life experiences since leaving in September. I've grinded my way into a better understanding of myself, and what I value and who I want to be....but by no means is the game all done.

Hmmmmmmm......

Ever....

Did you ever think of a song that you haven't heard in forever, and then it's on the overhead speakers at Target the next day? For me it's always remembering an episode of "Fresh Prince" or "The Cosby Show" and a week later I'll see the episode on television.

Upon the heels of my last post, kind of talking about those moments of being, those transcendent moments in your life that stick with you long past the mundane moments in your life, I came across this in reading Broken Open: How Difficult Times Help Us Grow by Elizabeth Lesser. She discussed seeing a very old friend, and the feeling in her soul during that meeting. The important thing here is the feeling, not the specifics of the meeting.

What ensued will go down in the record of my heart as one of those rare times in life when you finally rest -- when you put down the burden of striving and a sense of well-being spreads like honey into every corner of your consciousness. There was nowhere else to go, no one to be -- just now, just this precious day, these shared breaths with a friend.

It's incredible timing on two counts. The NOW is touched upon, and also, "the burden of striving." In a way, the author capsulizes what I tried to in my last post. Those are the moments where you completely let go of ego, and fully live with presence.

The chapter (the whole book is great) ends with this:

The ego. The ego. It's like this wheelchair. It's a beautiful wheelchair. Use it. Enjoy it! Just don't think it's you. Don't take yourself so, so personally."

What you should enjoy about your ego is what your ego has developed in you. Ego is what makes you special and different, it's what separates you from anyone else in the world. Think of how that can be good, and concentrate on that. But realize that it's not you. YOU lies somewhere underneath all that. YOU lies where soul and grace lie.

Now, nobody on this planet can be fully present and ego-less at all times. It just isn't the case. Being ego-less requires being present at all times...present with a capital P. And unless you are meditating in the Himalayas all day, every day, day-to-day life wants your ego to flare up all day long.

There is a positive side to ego (it shapes your likes and dislikes), but it also can lead to taking everything so damn personally. Hurt is only going to hurt more if you let ego dominate or define you. That's where I was with the depression. It didn't come out of nowhere. My ego sat up at the buffet and just tore through my depression, feasting on all of the negative thoughts about myself or about life. It kept eating and getting bigger to where it was ALL I did, and all I thought about. The negative side of ego was all I was. I lost all appreciation for the good, and I took everything so personally.

Everything was a failure, even if it wasn't. Successful work, making good money and being
happy? Failure.

A job where I worked with kids, got paid to go to the movies and the park and the zoo, etc...? One of the kids told me he wanted to grow up to be just like me...My thought of course was "no you don't"...Apparently that was all somehow a failure too.....EGO.

The balance comes with self-awareness. Self-awareness comes from mindfulness. When the negative side kicks in, and it will, laugh at it...I had a counselor who told me to say "fuck you" to it.

Nick Adenhart

The tragedy of Angels pitcher Nick Adnehart's death is known by now (or you are clueless)....but the most chilling part of this is that the 22-year old felon who drunkenly drove through the red light and ended up killing Adenhart, along with two others, had his license suspended for a previous DUI conviction in California.

Adenhart could have been rookie of the year, Cy Young, All-Star, Hall of Famer...who knows? He had everything to live for and it was taken from him.

And I'm suicidal...or at least was? For what?

I think about how shattered everyone touched by this is and can see now, with clearer vision, what I would have done if I made the decision to go through with, ya know....I hate that I personalize a tragedy like this, but that's human nature.

Thoughts and prayers go out to SoCal, and Maryland, where Adenhart was from. Baseball people are the best people on the planet, and the Angels organization is one of the most well-run franchises in all of sports.

It makes me think of "supposed to" living though also...

You know what makes me happiest? Remembering what it felt like to come up the stairs of the London Underground and see what Harrod's and the west end of London looked like for the first time.

Driving into New York in July while the sun set in the rear view, leaving a purple sky as the back drop to the Manhattan skyline. There is that bend in the New Jersey turnpike when you come around and finally see it, and it's an amazing feeling. And then on top of it "New York State of Mind" by Billy Joel was on the radio. It was one of the best moments of my life.

The ferry back from Alcatraz after the sun had set. Seeing San Francisco at night, from the water, from the island.....Riding bikes across the Golden Gate bridge (seriously!). And knowing first-hand how amazing Sausalito is, let alone knowing what it is.

Sunday morning drives to Toronto to see random Blue Jays games with 107.1 (maybe 102.1?) psychedelic Sundays on the radio, or maybe a Teddy Pendergrass CD on in the car.

Dave Matthews Band at The Greek.

Magglio.

Rod Allen at Fenway, and the game when Pudge played second base at Fenway.

Our Lady Peace on the radio in the middle-nowhere, Missouri.

Getting kicked out of KU basketball practice at the Phog.

There's so much more.......I did all of this when I was "supposed to" be settling down and having kids, getting the career, etc....Not for a single fucking second would I even consider trading any one of those things in for the sedentary life....and when I did, briefly, it got me nowhere fast.