Inspired Late

I've stalled in my reading. Not that I'm not reading, but the subject matter in the book isn't exactly pertinent to me at this moment. It's getting into parenting with mindfulness. Ralph really doesn't have a brain, or free-will, so, I have nothing in the parenting department.

While I love the image and idea behind the Phoenix (the spirit gets burnt into the fire only to gather up ashes and begin anew, fresh, and hopefully more clear), it seems like a really long way to go to say, a lot of times shit falls apart for good reasons. Eventhough at the time, it hurts like hell, in the end - a month, a year, years, whatever, the whole beautifully put back together piece makes it so worth the hell. Believe me, there are too many stories of meaningful life changes coming from utter and horrendus tragedy and depression.

This gets me to relationships. YEAH. I spun out of control last year, more specifically, last summer. I took the pennant of selfishness, and the psycho-babble of "ya gotta be selfish" to mean, "fuck everybody else." Sadly that really, really hurt the person who is the most important part of my world (no, not Curtis Granderson).

I want to get this out, all before I get back home. There really isn't trepidation in me coming home for good in June, because it's on my terms, and OUR terms. That first day marks the last day before I went off on the deep end -- BUT, that's a dangerous way to look at it. If I view our first day together and settled in as that last day of happiness in February last year, I'm not going to wake up depressed, and if I do, I have so many tools and weapons ready and waiting to not let it devour me.

Please understand the importance of all I have gone through in the past year, and how it has shaped who you are going to know when I come home. If you judge me, we're done. If you want to take the time out and get to know what I am doing, and have a frank discussion with me about the past year -- awesome. There is NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING better for me then to talk it out with as many people as I can. It serves me so, so well, but it also, God forbid, provides a chance that if someone now hears what I dealt with, or how I dealt with it -- then maybe their suffering can be less because of it if they ever get that dark.

The WORST thing that can happen when I come home is to pretend it's day one and move on from there, June 1st. The past year cannot be ignored, but it can totally be embraced. Embrace it with me, because it's still going to be a work in progress.

I've had a lot of life experiences since leaving in September. I've grinded my way into a better understanding of myself, and what I value and who I want to be....but by no means is the game all done.