Death

I feel so blessed to be reading Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser. I am through the parenting things, and I know I will get there one day to have as a reference, in-between bullpen sessions with my 3-year old left hander.

I am proud that I can reflect on the events of a year ago now and almost smile. Being suicidal, I would appear to be ready for death. That's not the case though. Suicide, or suicidal thoughts in the way that I had them were to kill myself....but I didn't ever want to leave the world. It was a horrific way to live, for months and months I said I did want to leave this world -- it would ease the burden on everybody close to me. Outwardly those feelings and thoughts drove me into the hospital, thank God.

The death I wanted was the death to my life in Buffalo. That doesn't mean everything was bad, but, I think I've established what was bad in my life, how I had lost ME, and the sadness and self-hatred I had in myself. I wanted that killed, and I wanted it immediately.

The immediacy was a delusion, but obviously I was not in my right mind. The process turned slowly, and I am proud of the way I passed the time before leaving for Michigan in September. I re-discovered what I love about myself. I found that parts of me that I loved that had gone into the abyss as I worked 60 hours a week and fought the "supposed-tos."

I traveled a ton, I wrote, I read relentlessly, I played soccer, went to sporting events and great cities, and most importantly I surrounded myself with amazing people. I also found new people who I am so proud to have in my life now. You have made more of a difference in my life than you can imagine (one of you is related to Joey Liberta, and the other lives with mini-Janis Joplin). If we've grown closer in the past year, it's because I have been drawn to your soul. THAT in you that makes you human, and that in me that makes me human....soul.

I believe that we are all lost in one way or another. I am so proud of Danielle and Greg, two of my favorite people in the world, for having such an amazing baby, and Greg being such a great father. I joked about bringing the baby back down to Florida with me in January and Greg said "nooo, I would miss him too much!" and little D's reaction was exactly the same. To know Gnomey is to love him. The words "I don't like Gnome (or Griz)" have never, and will never be spoken. And the spirit of little D, I love that little kid. Best couple ever, and you don't have to look far past their parents to see why.

D&G seem the least lost, and most connected people I know. Connected to what? It's hard to quantify, but Elizabeth Lesser calls it "soul" and I think that's good.

At our core we all want to connect, we all want to love, and we all want those transcendent life experiences. The people I look up to, and strive to be, can make the mundane transcendent, and that lies in soul. We don't want to talk to someone on the subway, or in line at the bank and just say "hello, how are you" and have the conversation die two seconds after the words are said. In our core -- our soul -- we want to connect with our fellow person, our fellow soul well beyond the standard pleasantries.

You can prepare now for that scary death, the big D. Look at the way you deal with simple, less profound deaths in this world. A show you love finally runs out and it sucks, but, you get over it, you have the memories, and even sometimes the video (DVD) of that show and it's a celebration.

Profoundly a job loss can be seen as a death. Another in the line of many mini-deaths we all experience in life. You cope with it, and don't let it ruin you like it did me. Even if you have an incredibly hard time, don't forget the power of "this too shall pass."

These little death tests set us up to make us not have this horrifying relationship with ultimate death that many, many of us do.

Grief is totally and utterly acceptable, and it's beautiful to run with it. Flow in the water of the grief, don't swim against it. Grieve together, tell stories, and remember the love that was passed back and forth between yourself and whoever passed while they were alive. Imagine someone who dies as Jane or John Doe, and then think about how blessed you were and how blessed the deceased was to have been so loved in their time on this planet.

Your personal death is a different story, but the same ideas can apply. It all comes down to Love. Love breeds acceptance, full and whole-hearted acceptance. Why not wait for death as if it's a the eve of a trip that you'll be making abroad. We're all going somewhere, the miracle of this life (just think about the miracle of your heart), has to mean there is a higher power out there somewhere.

When you can get to realize that the negative conceptions we have about death, in all facets of our life, can be worked on, accepted and changed.....think about how much better life, day-to-day and second-to-second is going to be.

I hate country music, or as a famous 12-year old once said, "I dislike it greatly." Tim McGraw's song "Live Like you Were Dying" is close, but trite.

I propose living like you've already died. Imagine that! Imagine how great your life could be when you think that it's all gone. Meditate on it if you can...Meditation, I don't want to get into, but is simpler than it sounds. Driving to work early one morning, roll the windows down and feel the cold air rush in and think about what would be if you died yesterday.

What would you miss? What open issues would have been left raw and unopen? Did you want that anger that's in your heart to always be there? Don't you wish you would have been proactive and brought more love into your heart? Do you wish that you were nicer to everyone? Whatever it is, it's such a beautiful and motivating thought. Picture your life energy, and again, soul, just gone and your body being a cold blue vessel with no life in it any longer.

How empowering is this?

I have begun in the last week to try to think of this when I get up, pouring my cereal in the morning. It's made a change in my life. I'm hitting the elliptical a lot, I'm going to the pool, I am reading my face off, I am reaching out to people I love and care about just to see what's going on. I try to make sure I let them know I love them or I appreciate them as much as possible. I have had a hard time staying busy, and now I am barely employed, but busy as shit.

The shift is new to me. A month ago I flaked out on going to see my Aunt and Uncle because I was having a shitty day. I've been flaking on J-Wags recently because my self-loathing has taken a stronger stance. The thought of "shit, what if I was dead....what if I died yesterday?" has motivated me a lot.

Sorry to sound preachy, but, I am trying to bring my fully loaded arsenal up to Buffalo with me in June so I can have the tools for whatever is thrown at me right away. I died. And now I am on this planet to be a loving, compassionate, and fun soul. There is not enough time post-death to go back and be un-mad at someone, so don't let it even get to that point while we're still here, we're all Bozos on the same fucked-up Bus.