Motivation

Doing so much better lately...SO much better. Along with the inner change and emotional maturing that I've been doing, I'm so incredibly inspired since February (when it all kind of started to come together) to do so much. I've read a ton, and understanding the importance of diet and exercise, I've started to lose mad weight...The Wellbutrin helps curb the appetite (but seriously, Hostess Cinnamon Rolls are still a huge problem), but there are still days, like today, where I don't feel motivated.

A fundamental change has set in there also. That "thing" that for months and months killed my drive...it's been sleeping for a while. I do appreciate, understand and fully take advantage of stillness and do-nothingness, and understand that it's not laziness. I am so relaxed in those moments, because I am present in those moments. Worry doesn't rule my head and hate doesn't stay in my heart. In turn, I can be at peace in stillness.

More of the problem is when I tell myself that I am doing such and such today, then end up not doing it because my self-esteem is bottomed out again, and my drive is gone -- it happens so infrequently now.

Today was a hard one so far Or has been. Noon used to be the A.M for me, but, I am back to waking up at 9 or so. But yeah, I haven't felt like much so far today, HOWEVA, more vitriol, hate, and bitterness that I came across today has motivated the fuck out of me. I am still marinating on it, but, it's not consuming me. I had to sit and write this out before running to the gym, only because I am waiting for the dryer to stop. Writing does help, and I would be stewing a little bit right now, but this is venting. Y'all (yeah, y'all is in my vernacular now, and I fear it's there to stay) should write your shit out...it helps immensely.

It got me to think about motivation, and the gym, and just the randomness that ties all of this together. Negative energy and positive energy at times can be harnessed the same way. Horribly trite metaphor coming -- but it is fuel for me. A lot of times, when I am feeling good, I feel the drive to go to the gym because my Team Kev teammate has done so well to transform herself at the gym, or because I hear about some folks back home who are becoming better people, or because I am inspired by the thought of someone sitting up in a hospital, or someone who has passed too soon, who would love the chance to just get on an elliptical. Those are the days I listen to Dave on the elliptical, or Third Eye Blind.

Today when I get there...yeah, it's a Jay-Z day. To me though, that is enormous progress. I would have fed the fight, I would have fed the negativity, and then felt like today was another battle in the long shitty suffering that is life -- but I don't feel that way.

I'm letting it ignite a fire that had some spark in it still, but needed to be stirred up. Four days in a row, nothing wrong with that, take the fifth day off and just play PS3 all day...Not happening...Thank you to the person who doesn't even know they fueled me today.

It's called the "push back." There used to be nowhere to go when I pushed. Think about the term - push BACK. You're getting pushed, and when you push back, that force is just going to push you back after you're done. It's a never ending, sisyphean battle that does no good for anyone in the end. I'm not pushing anymore. If you swing, I'm going to duck, and harness the energy from that punch into my fuel to get better.